I saw these lads on scooters

One Easter as a child

I fell in love with the chrome and mirrors    

I adored their clothes and style

Carrying eggs for poorly kids

In a mile long convoy

So charitable and chic

Made an impression upon this boy      

 

All my mates wanted to be famous

My aspirations seemed rather odd

... I knew from that day forward

I wanted to be a Mod

 

I left school and got a job

And earned my first pay packet

I decided to treat myself

To a Baracuta jacket

I bought a tailored suit

It was a little too tight a fit

Bought some drainpipe trousers

When I bent over they split

I owned some Chelsea Boots

And a pair of winklepickers

I purchased an old Vespa

Which played havoc with my old man’s ticker

I couldn’t sit quite right

Overbalanced, I wobbled

Lost control, clipped the kerb

Came crashing down on the cobbles

Eventually I came to

Was breathalysed by the Plod

‘Ok son, you’ve not been drinking

Just too fat to be a Mod’

 

I couldn’t believe what he said

This copper was talking shit

Yes I was packing a bit of timber

But I considered myself pretty fit

I played a bit of football

I made the first team squad

With muscular thighs and powerful calves

I didn’t think I was a slob

Over and above my S-belt

Was a completely different matter

A big beer gut and love handles

I realised I was getting fatter

 

I tried to diet and exercise

But I couldn’t pull it off

Faced with an addiction to chips and pies

I was too fat to be a Mod

I tried this, that and the other

Some methods I dare not mention

And when nothing else seemed to work

I sought divine intervention

 

I found myself in church

A different one each day

Kneeling before the altar

I prayed and prayed and prayed

Not one sin was committed

Each commandment was obeyed

With my spiritual enlightenment

I went to get myself weighed

 

At Fat Club in anticipation

The group didn’t make sound

Stood on the scales butt naked

I’d still put on two pounds

So now I am an atheist

And I swear there is no God

For all my graft and worship

I’m still too fat to be a Mod