Daily horrors

Open fighting broke out today between Pepsi-Co and Nabisco brands as bystanders looked helplessly on while victims of all ages succumbed to sudden attacks of hunger mixed with diabetes.

Billboards plastered entire blocks as the relentless march of vending machines, advertisements, and viral memes inundated the population.

Vegetable therapy proved ineffective for 90 percent of the population as mouths rejected any homeopathic approach derided as "healthy" by the corrupt media while top scientists in hidden laboratories poured their best efforts into synthesizing a new kind of cheese salsa with superior mouthfeel impervious to refrigeration.

The outlook for today is grim but satisfying.