( the First poem performed -)

Reflection:

How is it possible to hate yourself this much
But love yourself so much, too,
I asked.

Because you’re a narcissist,
He said.
I don’t know if I agree with this.

What I do know
I say inside of my own head,
Is that too often I wake up screaming
Because of the Things I left unsaid
The things I wantonly said
The sutures I didn’t receive, did receive
Said I didn’t need
That I did need
The shame of living
In a body half-here and half-there
Wherever a better there, there might be

I misspoke, I say
I’ll wash my mouth out with soap, I say
I fell down the stairs, I say
Every time an amen
To every part of me I wished never to expose again

And again and again and again
A night terror that never ends
Paralysed in my own persona

That isn’t even a persona, I call it that to dissociate
From the fact I am the closest known associate
To my own downfall

The terrorist stripping me of my autonomy
Lives within my own body
Enthralled to trauma
Anxiety, depression, insomnia, PTSD

I need another warm body close to me
To tell me it isn’t really me

To tell me:
I’m supple and I’m strong,
Tell me the cracks in me aren’t a sign of breaking
So that, finally, my body can stop shaking

While I still play snakes and ladders inside my head
Recounting each subjective misdemeanour
A lash an inch-long
For each thing I do
Wrong

I play the histrionic
I indulge a woman hysteric
I want to be the victim
Curdled from too much strength for far too long
I want to be like the men I’ve coddled
Swept up in a swaddle
Whispered ‘I love you’ to
While I stitched up their superficial wounds
Twining my soul into medical glue

I want to know
How it feels to feel safe
In arms that aren’t my own.

Most all of I want to be like you
Listening from afar
Because for some here
This doesn’t happen to you.

(The second poem performed -)

A Conversation I Will Soon Be Having With You:

We’re over
We’re Done
Not going back
Do you feel better now?
Little man

Pretending to own principles
With no actual plan

Is that why you like hurting others in bed
With limitations on how you, yourself
Can be hurt

Does it get you out of that cramped, narrow head?

I am a feminist ally
I am sincere about your sexual assault
I would attend every rights rally
If I wasn’t so busy
Wearing a suit and tie
Fucking a raped woman’s cunt
Until I make her cry

The day I found a victim I finally found power
I’m not brave enough
To make an innocent woman cower

She tells me the pain is a three out of ten
I’m angry at her, instead of myself,
That I wasn’t honest enough
To hit her again

I often call a woman mistress
So my gender politics don’t look amiss
When she opens up to me
I only admit to myself that I regretted doing this

I was only in this for the abuse
The minute she thought I could have another use
Sanctity
Affection
Trust.
I realised I was empty.
Entirely remiss.