The river flows turbid
barely moving
Stagnant with thoughts
from another’s dream
Despair conveyed
with reproachful faces
The detritus of a decaying mind
The faces swim
gaping mouths broaching
Their lidless eyes stare
devouring
Slow eddies
draw my mind
Drain white my face to hear
distorted cries
Pulled down to depths
I sink
before the flowing weir
Mon 6th Nov 2017 20:17
Thank you Suki for your comments, they are much appreciated.
Poe-like,that’s a big compliment thanks, des
<Deleted User> (13762)
Mon 6th Nov 2017 09:08
literary drowning and dripping with imagery. Nice work Desmond.
I have a couple of suggestions if I may. Firstly, is the repetition of 'gaping' and 'lidless eyes' needed? Secondly, where you have commas I would choose to start a new line, for example:
The river flows turbid
barely moving
I think to spread this out would give each short line greater impact and clarity.
All the best. Col.
PS: weirs are frightening places and just the word is enough to send shivers down the spine. As Suki implied, the word sits well within the context of the poem alongside turbid, stagnant, detritus, decay, lidless, eddies and others.
Hi Desmond,
Turbid ~ a top poetry word, and perfect for this poem>
Haunting verse, Poe-like. That's a compliment btw.
Thanks for sharing.
Suki
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DESMOND CHILDS
Mon 6th Nov 2017 20:29
Thanks for your comments and your advice C?L, as you can see I have edited per your advice and I think you are right. The shorter lines do give the lines more emphasis and the poem more punch.
I was a bit dubious of removing the lidless eyes and gaping mouth bits, but I do think it works. Thanks for the advice, it’s always welcome.
All the best,des