They say a daughter’s first love his her dad.

They’ll tell you it’s the greatest love you’ve ever had. 

 

Sadly, no one told me there were men like you. 

The kind that yell at mommy and hit her too.

The kind that sings boldly in the church pew, but when no one’s looking, he touches you. 

 

Daddy, remember that night pops died?

I remember when you laid at the foot of my bed and cried. 

 

Daddy, I know you have demons like we all do, 

but don’t you realize my demon was you?

 

Taken by lights of blue and red, 

those memories would replay over and over in my head.

 

Daddy, what happens to good memories when the bad ones invade? 

I don’t know what this means, but mommy says you just want to get laid?

 

Daddy, what does that mean?! Are you sleepy?! I’m sleepy too

but the nightmares of all the things I’ve seen return 

and I don’t know what to do.

Daddy, where are you?!

 

I’m 13 now daddy, it’s been two years. I haven’t seen you since the night of the tears.

Mommy gave me a man who became my father of new.

He didn’t like to hurt me, unlike you. 

He loves me with all his heart and nothing could tear us apart.

 

I’m 14 now daddy and my english teacher wants us to do a family tree

what do I say when the tree doesn’t just end with me? 

daddy, you were the vine that sucked the life out of our family. 

 

I’m 16 now daddy and just the thought of sex terrifies me. everyone calls me a nun, guess it’s better than being easy.

 

Daddy, did you not know how much pain you would cause?

If the devil watched us like a soap, he’d applause. 

Swirls of anger fester inside, my happiness is now much like the tide. 

Waves of anxiety crash down on me 

with blades in my back as numbered as the fish in the sea.

 

Why couldn’t you love me like a real dad would? Now a hole in my heart replaces where you once stood.

 

Daddy, you are no longer daddy. your name is now replaced with sperm-donor. No longer yours don’t even ask for a phone number. No trace of you in the court of law, you’re just a man who raised me, that’s all.

 

-What was once yours