I have these dreams in which I I feel really alone. Its not because there arent people around me in them. Sometimes the people in my dreams are even people currently in my life. Although an interesting concept is that they are never my immediate family, and never EVER my son. 

I feel alone in that the circumstances that surround me feel dark and desolate. I feel hopeless, and it's like I know that my existance is not a lucky one, and Im destined for failure. Sometimes Im me, and other times I cant really tell who I am. Sometimes I look as I do now, and other times there is something really wrong with me, like my legs are too hairy, or my face is without makeup and my hair is limp and lifeless. Its as though Im at my worst, and I look the way I hate looking in real life.

Sometimes the places are familiar, or vaguely familiar. Other times, I am around complete strangers, and in a place Ive never known in my real life. Ive come to the conclusion that these are past lives, or past existences. But maybe the answer lies elsewhere. Lately Ive been wondering if the loneliness I feel  in these dreams, is similar to what people feel when they decide to take their own life. I guess every time that I think about someone who did that, or someone who has attempted to do that, I think about me, in my waking life, at my worst moments, and multiply that moment by 3, or 4, or 10. And thats how I am able to understand, or at least begin to wrap my mind around, how someone could be sad enough to want their pain to stop immediately, even if it means no longer existing in this world, and leaving loved ones behind. But the thing that always gets me is that I cant imagine also putting an end to all the beautiful things about life, and the ways in which life is extraordinarily good and magic. I feel this now, and I felt this before Oscar, but since Oscar, it is all totally different. Every day, for 15 years, I have wanted to wake up to more hope and prosperity, even if it is just to give it to him. So anything that threatens my ability to do that, it scary as hell to me. Any dysfunctional thing I may do out of self-preservation is simply my cowardly way of coping with never wanting to feel enough despair to criple me from being the person that he needs to know and see so that he can be okay in life. And I know that this may seem disingenuous of me, and as though I am trying to fool him or manipulate him into thinking that I am happy when I am not, but I promise that this has never been my true intention. I want to be everything he needs me to be, but I am human, and I have flaws. I cant always be the perfect source of strength and intelligence that he needs, and this causes me great anxiety. My prayer to God, in my heart, every day of my life since Oscar was born, is that he make me complete enough to be what Oscar needs. 

I dont know why my dreams are sad sometimes. This seems to happen more as I get older. I cant help but feel that these dreams have to mean something. But am I strong enough to face whatever truth they are trying to enlighten me with? Do I have enough strength for the messages?