Dying Flame ?
We Started Out Burning Bright, But Like A Moth To An Open Flame We slowly Fizzled Out.For The Life Of Me I Can’t Fathom Why? This Feeling is Profoundly Familiar, it’s Crippling an Cradling All At The Same Time.
Comments
I Love the way you write It Thank You all so much I don’t know what I’m doing quite yet but I’m willing to do the leg work to learn I appreciate Ever in put ? looking forward to learning from you all Thanks Again ?
Big Sal
Fri 6th Jul 2018 22:19
Never seen a format quite like this. Either way, well done, emotions can make a poem more powerful than structure ever could. Free verse is the way to go.?
Me again Bubbly. I just can't help myself. Here's a suggestion. I've taken all your lines and put them into more readable stanzas. To me. It helps you stop and slowly take in each separate line as you read it. The first 3 lines encapsulate one idea. This good bubbly. Start...middle..finish. Bang. The middle line on it's own leaves me wondering why this be? It's an idea all on it's own so deserves it's own line.
I do like the last two lines. They finish it off with a punch. Bang...like it. (an should be and)
I Know you want to learn and will listen. Don't get disheartend. I'm not a poetry teacher. It will take time to get the feel and develop your own self. Having split your work up I can see potential here. What you have written above and your sample is a story not a poem. Poems have stanzas. Don't take below as gospel. It is only my view.
Don ?
We Started Out Burning Bright,
But Like A Moth To An Open Flame
We slowly Fizzled Out.
For The Life Of Me I Can’t Fathom Why?
This Feeling is Profoundly Familiar,
It’s Crippling an Cradling All At The Same Time.
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Don Matthews
Sat 7th Jul 2018 01:25
It's you who wrote the poem Bubbly and put the emotion in, not me. You should take the credit for this. Talent lies underneath this. All I did was structure it in a way I thought would enhance what you were trying to say. Once more, it is only my idea, not gospel as I'm sure Big Sal would agree.
Don ?