I don't usually do pre-amble, but in this case it's necessary. I took part in a city team slam last night where one of the requirements was to 'roast' the opposition city in a warm up exercise.

In West Yorkshire, particularly in Rugby League, one of the historic rivalries is between Leeds and my home city of Wakefield - we co-exist just 7 miles apart. I was asked to 'roast' the city of Leeds - I found it rather easy and rewarding - but not something I would naturally do. So please take this in context *wink*

Nearest & Dearest

 

Like a back garden of nettles

Overgrown with weeds

Like a festering open sore

That itches when it bleeds

Like the ugly bastard offspring

When a pug and rhino breeds

Leeds, Leeds, Leeds

 

Like a stagnant pool of water

Where a bottom feeder feeds

Like being in the middle

Of a human centipede

Like being a dose of piles

That no one wants or needs

Leeds, Leeds, Leeds

 

Like a spoilt and wailing bairn

Who pleads and pleads and pleads

Like a phone bought in Leeds market

a Nokia 1011 supersedes

Like the IQ of folk from Headingley

That their waist-line easily exceeds

Leeds, Leeds, Leeds

 

From the boring guide to Loiner land

That no one ever reads

From Don Revie’s hatchet men

And their dark, nefarious deeds

To the sign coming out of Wakefield

That we changed, so it now reads

Abandon hope all ye who enter here

(You’re) Welcome To (Fucking) Leeds