TRUST

 

The furtive behavior

the secretive mutes

the constant, everpresent, loudly ominous

   bells of the texts

   dings of the messages

      for whom the bell tolls, I wonder

              LIES

          Everpresent phone in hand

          even when we are

                 talking

                 gaming

                 netflixing

                 ….otherwise engaged

These and many other unquantifiables....indescribables

   Gut wrenching feeling kind of things

        led me...caused me....FORCED me...to

                     LOOK

          And I found. Oh I found.

                   The pictures you'd posted

                        sent

                        meant

                           for me? For everyone? For them?

                                 Recent. Too recent

                       There. On that fishing site

                         that hunting site

                          that....seeing what else is out there site

                              that...not wanting ME site...

                                 US. Not wanting US.

The sinking boulder in my throat

      forced to swallow

          CHOKE

Falling..tumbling, roiling, crashing its way thru the forest of my life the past year and a half

    uprooting redwoods like they are newly planted poplars

      destroying everything in its path

         down

          down

             down

Landing with a surely destructive death knell in my gut...the whole planet I'd rested my future upon..my rock....dead in the water

      In the acid

           In the churning threatening to erupt violently, catastrophically...painfully doesn't even begin to describe it

        But there it sat, and there it stayed

            Weighted down by the ashes of everything we'd built

                       everything we'd hoped

                              everything we'd dreamed

                                   DEAD

Grieving backwards...

      acceptance arrived first...vomit inducing heart crushing into dust acceptance.

      Then, without warning, but not without expectation

          Then..came the anger

               The acid threatening to erupt from my stomach had nothing on this.

           This volcano of rage..of …

                     PAIN of....

                        Destructive impulse of...

                            Mad, hulking fucking godzilla destroying everything in its path seeking out things to destroy

       so volatile and uncontainable that I can't even...

              I can't even....

                 I had to breath...BREATH...before I did something

 something I'd regret

       REGRET?!!! my brain shouted...my heart drowning it out, my soul crying out over the ear piercing din

        FUCK HER!!! FUCK EVERYTHING!!! WHO CARES?? NOT HER!!! WHY SHOULD I??!!

     But I did.

        That soft quiet meek little girl inside of the boi, the woman, the enraged queen...

       she cared

             she was curled into a ball in the fetal position in the darkest corner of my soul

          alone

            abandoned

                crying silently

                     holding herself

                        rocking back and forth

                            quiet as a churchmouse

                                      but SHE cared.

So I confronted you.

I asked...Do you want to tell me...(please tell me, she whispered..please tell me I'm wrong..please give me a reason to believe that everything we've said, dreamed, thought, talked, planned for wasn't a lie...PLEASE...) What this is all about?

          I waited. Not with baited breath, not even breathing, just...waited...rocked, unconsciously, the little meek girl taking over my body without my consent

        showing her strength

          GOOD, I thought...she's going to need it.

Denial. Yet another stage of this backwards grieving process. Utter denial.

     “I don't know what you're talking about”

                I laughed. I actually laughed.

                  If you can call it that. The sound that left my lip...the utter and absolute sardonic, sadistic, masochistic maybe, sound of disdain and disbelief and just...yeah, right.

           That triggered you. I knew it would. It pushed you. To the abandoned stage

    Bargaining. Let's bargain.

             “It wasn't me.”

             “I made it so my cousin could stalk her ex”

             “She used it, I never logged into it..look...look at all the messages I never reply to...”

         Did you forget, when you sent screenshots in your haste to close the curtains around the woman pulling the strings

       Did you forget, that the ones you'd talked to have REPLIED next to them?? Did you forget? Did you know? Are you really that stupid?

        More excuses. More bargaining. More “Why don't you trust me?? I've never given you a reason not to TRUST...”

         It only takes one.

FINE. I'll play. We'll bargain. Give me the password. Let me see for myself.

     …..silence.....

      …..Okay....I have to change it....

…...I can't figure out how....

…...work needs me.....

twenty odd minutes later...

     Here it is. (my name....of course it would be...nice touch...)

The boulder grows a little more bouyant.

The little girl sits up, still holding her knees, still rocking, but watching

        looking

              daring to hope

I look. I search. For the several replied to in the screenshots

     But they are gone. Erased. Evidence destroyed.

            In 20 minutes??!!

      “My cousin must've done it! I'm going to talk to her!”

            IN 20 MINUTES???!!!!!

Do you think my head is as empty as your excuses?

     As your words?

        As your promises?

       “I swear!! I swear on my kids lives and my moms grave!! I swear””

I will never forget those words. As long as I live, I will never forget those words.

   How easily they slid from your lips.

      The little girl sighed, and laid back down. Still watching, out of one watery, red eye. Those words making her cling to a las shredded string of hope.

      I'm breathing. I'm searching. I'm FUMING. I'm hoping, I'm TRYING, little girl, I'm TRYING to find ONE PIECE of evidence to support her claim. ONE PIECE. But every message exchaged...

   every email..

    the whole inbox

             ERASED

She's adding the numbers...they are making sense...a little...enough to strengthen that one tiny string...wrap some duct tape around it or something...that little girl is industrious...

Her champion...tho she later had no one to talk to poor me...in my box

    Pleading her case

      Reminding me she never...

       she hasn't....

            she wouldn't...

              she swore...

                 Maybe...maybe she just needed attention...

That...that did it. That guilt. That accusation

   of failure, on my part.

       Failure, to attend. To appreciate. To adore.

     That – made me pause. Made me hope.

       Made me say I would try to believe.

          Made ME bargain.

    The boulder, turned to a balloon. Still taking up space, still roiling, but bouyant. But there was a rock inside it.

       Rolling around...slamming itself against the stretchy sides, wanting desperately to escape the thin flexible confines of the excuses...

     That rock named reason. Reality. Intelligence. It goes by many names.

      It screamed at me, slightly muffled...

           DUMBASS!!!!

But still...I hoped...because the little girl..she was sitting up now...tears drying on her cheeks..watching...eyes wide...HOPING

 

Then...I found them

    the messages.

      The blocked profiles

           the damning words exchanged with men and women alike over a months' time

      All there...your side...her side...not theirs...but enough

        MORE than enough

Looking back, idk what hurt worse..the words themselves or the fact that many were exchanged with men....you..who is allergic to penis...

         Words...so many words...small talk, really...get to know each other talk...basic g-rated talk...but enough...

      about your name

          about your kids

               about your 17yo self's sadistic dreams that never came true

                  about your brother in the hospital

                     about your other brother...lying dead in his grave

All the words

    I copied them. All of them. I saved them. I have them still, did you know?

 Not that I need to look. I see them everytime you touch me. Everytime you say you love me.

Everytime you say you want me.

Everytime I think I want you too.

And I can't.

I just can't.

Because all I see...are the words.

   Your excuses.

   “It was HER, it wasn't me! She was pretending to be me!”

“I swear!” again on mommie dearests' grave

    I wonder....is she rolling over in it at your words?

     Disturbed in death that her daughter could be such a lying coward?

   I read the words. They are etched on my soul. Permanently engraved.

Yet still...I WANT to believe. For you...for us..for everything we've shared...

No. Let's be honest. For HER. For that little girl. Its HER I can't stand to disappoint. Its HER I can't stand to hurt again.

   So I agree. To try. I say I will trust you.

       I will believe you, at least on the surface.

           I don't, really, but she needed me to. So for her, I tried.

I tried.

I really did.

I love you, I will ALWAYS love you...so I tried, for that too

I tried.

But everytime you...came home late..

  got a text

     went out

        didn't text for a couple hours...

             were typing to someone on facebook...

                I wondered.

The first thought in my head was what if...what if...

   more words are being exchanged

      “Its fine, keep the site, shut it down..she's gone, I don't need it.”

       But why? Did you get what you wanted?

  “I don't want anyone in RL. I just want you.”

            Truer words have never been spoken.

                 You don't want RL.

               If you did...you'd have taken the opportunities.

         Instead of squandering them

             If you wanted it, you'd have it.

But you're never going to move here.

   I wouldn't ask you to leave your entire family.

I'm never going to move there.

    I wouldn't leave my ONLY family.

    You don't want US. Not like I do. You want safety. Security. Companionship. Feeling loved from a distance.

I want real. I want true. I want togetherness. Closeness. Honesty.

    TRUST

Its not there anymore.

Not with you.

The little girl lays back down, tears all dried up now, what's the point?

She faces the wall, curled into herself.

Caring for herself, as always

As the bricks and mortar form around her, encasing her

 keeping her safe

   protected

      alone

And I just can't.