Angelica Journal's

Once Upon A Beloved

So quiet!
So quiet within me
So still within a waking dream,
where belief meets forgotten painful memories.
The hurt inside this pain is tormenting and the memories that once invaded the heart of me is once more.
I can feel my walls crumbling down around me as my life begins to shift into a new era of reality.
An era of utter solitude forced not by my own doing but the making of unseen influences.
As this still silence eerily falls over me another world opens up before my eyes.
Now revealing what seems to be a fate of unexpected consequence.
A world of uncertainty that steal my very breathe from me and I am alone to face the wolves in this whole new reality that I have been forced into.
Filling my mind with tortuous doubt of who I once was.
Now I am left wondering the realms of the in betweens,
searching for something far greater than me.
For something to hold onto as my world spirals unwilling into a silent, spellbounded waking dream,
dragging me down deeper into the horrid possibility of failure.
To never rise above the sight of painful despair that clouds my mind.
Yet this whole other world has come to haunts my every waking hours and lingers ever to closely within me.
Every time I close my eyes I can see this world as clear as I have lived that life before and It terrifies every part of my aching soul.
A soul consumed by those horrid memories.
Memories so terrifying that not even monsters wish to see.
Yet the memory of it all is not like a dream that would fade away into the distance of unspoken heresy upon waking.
These are the memories of betrayal by the broken hearted who wished me harm.
Who wished their ill will into my reality and wanted nothing other than to see me fall by the suffocation of thier own hands.
To see me bleed as I plead for mercy with every stroke of the blade.
As making one more slice becomes yet another scar to remind me that my past was real.
I try to rise from these ashes burnt and scorched from the inside out.
But they drag me down even further each time I wish to achieve.
I am Mutilated by your words,
disfigured by your hands and now the silence grows louder from inside my mind.
Torturing my heart for all its worth.
Oh the underlying of who you are is more than I can bare.
And I scream a silent whisper that no mortal ear can hear.
How the darkness eludes my sight but lingers ever so closely behind.
Breathing deeply as I can smell the stench of cigarettes in my nose.
I feel sick to the stomach as I feel hands wrap themselves around my waist.
Pulling me closely,
Holding me tightly and I can hear the faint sound of chuckling ever so pleased.
Oh the silence now has a hold over me as I slip deeper into such memories.
Forced to see,
Forced to remember what was once a lifetime before this.
A lifetime I once lived.

-Written by RaVeN Mathews
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