It was the last night I called again for help
It was the last night you refused to do as they asked
It was the last night I sat with you holding your hand
It was the last night I asked you if you were ok
As we drove away you stared to fade
Your eyes closing shut and your breath became softer
Th ambulance man said "Anne open your eyes, wake up!"
With that you jumped and shouted back "MY EYES ARE OPEN"
I asked you , "mam, do you want your glasses?
There was no response. Your eyes closed again and your breath became faint.

I helped the ambulance man carefully lift your fragile body onto the bed.
It was the last time you lay on that bed .
He took all the usual tests , and all the usual checks.
When I realised he called out a number to the driver,
Suddenly the siren was alarmed and with that we were flying.

What happened I asked? ... to which I don't actually remember his response.

We arrived and the ambulance man politely asked me to check my mam in and wait in the waiting area.
Usually this wouldnt happen ... we would both be asked to wait in the waiting area together . Always.

I waited patiently only to see them push you through the emergency doors on the right hand side .

A doctor called me hours later, he brought me into the family room . He explained that different things were up and down. To which now i dont remember ...
He explained you are in ICU and I can't see you.
I should go home and tell my family .
But I didnt understand anything.


It was the last night we struggled together as one
It was the last night watching you be so strong and stubborn
It was the last night I asked you if you were ok
It was the last time I heard your voice " My eyes are open"
And my last attempt to help you. "Mam do you want you glasses?"
If only i had realised this would be the last time.
I would have held your hand tighter, longer
Kissed your checked and told you how you are my whole world .
The light of my life. The person who has shown me real love, courage and strength.

I'm sorry I couldn't fix our problems and take your pain away.
I'm sorry for the times I left you alone, scared and fragile.
I'm sorry I lost you and I'm sorry for everything you lived and went through.
You didnt deserve anything. You're amazing, strong , powerful and kind. I'm sorry I didn't show you this properly.
There is 1 million things I would do differently and much more that I am sorry about.

You have shown me what love is , and especially I have been thought what love is not.
I promise to love myself and all my family and friends with everything I have inside of me . To do everything I wish I had done better with you.

This is the last time I will apologise
This is the last time I blame myself.

I love you unconditionally.

Love you're darling CJ