A Body In The Don

 

The cop-shop in Grimstone was eerily quiet

There was only one stabbin’ that night

And no-one got mugged, for ten minutes or more

So the coppers had no-one to fight

 

It was a tedious job, when nowt much happened

They sat about kallin’, and gabbin’

Sergeant Pike said “Stick t’kettle on, we’ll have one more brew”

“Before we investigate t’stabbin’”

 

Then they reminisced about better times

When violence and murders were rife

How the job was much more exciting then

And folk envied a copper’s great life

 

Sergeant Pike had been fiddling his hours of late

And he’d managed to wangle some time

So he’d booked a two week break for himsen

And he welcomed the lull in the crime

 

A fortnight of fun, on a sun kissed beach

Where the days are as long as the beer

Sun and sea and sangria

Skeggie’s nice at this time of a year

 

Then the door flung open, and Hesketh stood there

He yelled “There’s a body in The Don”

At first they never recognised him

He looked different without handcuffs on

 

“There’s a body in the Do…”

Old Hesketh began to repeat

But the door was one of them revolving ones

And it chucked him back into the street

 

He regained his composure, and came back in

And he stuck his flat-cap back on

Then he marched right up to the front desk, and said

“There’s a body in the Don”

 

“A body?” said Sergeant Pike

“Are you actually sure that he’s dead?”

“Aye” said Hesketh. “His cap’s fallen off”

“And he’s missing the top of his head”

 

“Right then” said Pike. “We had best take a look”

And they sped to the scene… Blue lights flashing

But they stopped on the way, for a pasty from Greg’s

“If he’s dead then there’s no point in dashing”

 

They arrived just upstream from Giblets Viaduct

“Where’s this body then?” asked Sergeant Pike

“Count three Tesco’s-trollies in” said Hesketh

“Then after the fridge… near the bike”

 

And there they saw the gruesome sight

That set their hearts aquiver

A body, missing half its head

Bobbing about in the river

 

“There’s been a murder” said P.C McTavish                 (Scottish accent)

“A Murder most foul… Hoots Mon”

“They’ve done for him, with a dirk and dagger”

“And dumped him in the Don”

 

Sergeant Pike threw McTavish that certain look

That he did when he got annoyed

Cos in spite of him having a Scottish name

He hailed from Mythenroyd

 

Now… To head-up a big murder case like this

Can improve a cop’s prospects somewhat

If they’re willing to put in the extra time

Which Sergeant Pike was certainly not

 

He thought of the extra work involved

And the case he would have to construct

And that would put-paid to his two weeks away

And the caravan was already booked

 

He said “If the body had floated downstream a bit”

“And gone under the viaduct there”

“It’d be out of our jurisdiction”

And a different constabulary’s care

 

“Why don’t you just shove him down t’river then?”

Asked Hesketh.. All innocent like

“I’m sure you can poke ‘im with one of them sticks”

“And dislodge him from offa the bike”

 

“I’ll tell thi what” said Hesketh

As he weighed up the lay of the land

He said “Buy us a bottle o’ whisky”

“And I’ll even gi’ thi an hand”

 

So, after some good old bartering

A fair price was settled upon

For a litre of Grouse he poked him with a stick

And set him off.. Floating down t’Don

 

The troublesome corpse was now on its way

Towards the bridge it floated

Hardly looking human at all

Semi-decapitated and bloated

 

The half-headless corpse bobbed on down the river

Way past the bike and the fridge

And into Muckton’s area of area of duty

As it bobbled on under the bridge

 

The Viaduct formed the boundary line

Between Muckton and Grimstone Low

So the body was now on Muckton’s land

Carried on by the river’s fast flow

 

So Sergeant pike had managed to dodge a job

And Hesketh got his little perk

And the onus was now on the Muckton’s force

It’s about time that they did some work

 

 

                                 ***

The cop-shop in Muckton was eerily quiet

With the crooks settled down for the night

The cops had tucked ‘em all up in their beds

Give ‘em a kiss, and wished ‘em “sleep tight”

 

Then, the side door flung open, and Old Hesketh stood there

(He knew better than to use the revolving door again, once bitten twice shy and all that)

He said “There’s a body in the Don”

“Buy us a bottle of whisky”

“And I’ll gi’ yer a hand shovin’ him on”