You’ve heard of the Battle of Hastings

Took place in 1066,

When ‘Arold the Brave of England

Fell for some Froggy’s cruel tricks

 

I refer to William the Conker

(Who’d conkered nowt up till then)

But pretended to run from t’battle

Then turned and skewered our men.

 

Then Billy let fly with an arrow

With venom its target to find

In consequence ‘Arold the Brave

Soon became ‘Arold the Blind.

 

But what is by far less well known

Is that ’fore ‘e got into this fix

Harold had just won one battle

Already in 1066.

 

See, William ‘ad got an A-Com-Plice

As it ‘appens, called ‘Arald by name –

‘Arald ‘Adrada the Viking

Aka – the Dastardly Dane

 

(‘e were Norwegian as it ‘appens, but it didn’t rhyme).

 

This ‘Arald had formed an alliance

i.e. worked in cahoots with another

Who reckoned to call ‘issen Tostig.

An’ ‘e were our ‘Arold’s brother!

 

Said the Dane one day to this Tostig

“I’ve a caper that’s bound to work

Let’s invade t’North of England together

I fancy some shopping in York.”

 

They set sail for England together

To pillage and rape and to plunder

Riding the storms of the North Sea

 - Then pootling up the ‘Umber.

 

Until they came upon Fulford

Said ‘Arald “Put in to land.

I want to paddle about in t’Ouse

And build some castles of sand”.

 

‘t were then that York’s brave defenders

Gave battle to ‘Adrada’s men

But t’Viking 11 played 4-4-2

And York could only field 10.

 

We tried to use our off-side trap

But t’Vikings won easy, of course;

”This city’ll now be called Jorvik”

Says Harald “That’s York in Norse”.

 

They plundered and wassailed rudely

Some ate a salmon sandwich

Then they sunbathed and licked at their ice creams

By t’Derwent at yon StamfordBridge.

 

Just then there appeared t’Saxon army

‘Arold Godwinson rode in command

Who sat there proud and magnificent-like

On ‘is ‘orse with ‘is ‘awk in ‘is ‘and.

 

The Vikings was all caught a-napping

By t’Saxons war-like screams

Some ‘ad to fight in their Speedos

Some had to chuck their ice-creams.

 

Now ‘Adrada’s men was divided

On both sides of the river

‘Arald asked “Should we surrender?”

But Tostig answered “Nivver!”

 

So he tried to withdraw ‘is army

Across the rickety bridge

They trailed across ‘til the very last man

An’ ‘e was as big as a fridge.

 

He stopped an’ ‘e turned on the structure

And wielding ‘is long ‘andled axe

‘E challenged us Saxons to combat

 - ‘E’d been drinking that Pepsi Max!

 

‘E chopped ‘em down in ‘uggins

Us Saxons dropped like flies

It ‘eld us up from us supper

 - Meat an ’tatie pies.

 

But ‘Arold was clever and cunningningning

The devious so-and-so

‘E paddled down in a barrel

Then brogged ‘im from below

 

They tell t’ Dane’s deeds in Norsemen’s halls

To make the children shiver

Of ‘ow  he entered Valhalla

After entering the river.

 

But once we was over the Derwent

We started to ‘ack and to ‘ew

And one by one they started to fall

Then latterly two by two.

 

The battle raged forthwards and fifthwards

‘Adrada he made a strong stand

But when it was done, there sat our boy

On ‘is ‘orse with ‘is ‘awk in ‘is ‘and.

 

Us Saxons had won on penalties

It were close – it were never a rout.

But us Saxons are really Germans, see.

So penalties? – never in doubt!

 

So Vikings sailed back in ‘igh dudgeon

(It’s a bit like an old Blackpool tram)

Shouts ‘Arold “Keep out of England,

Or else come back wi’thi mam”.

 

They sailed toward Scan Di Navya

The Danes to brew lager beer

Norwegians went on to invent t’South Pole

And t’Swedes to shop at Ikea.

 

But never again would t’Vikings return

We called ‘Adrada a plonker

Forever would t’Saxons rule Eng-er-land

 - Well, till we met William the Conker.