The bladder alarm rings, it’s time to go

No platted legs will dam this river flow

Locate the door, and start to walk

This is when we cease to talk

 

Brace yourself, we are going in

Assume bland face, we must not grin

Place hand on wood and push the door

And hope no one’s pissed on the floor

 

Cabin or trough, that is the choice

Are you man or mouse? begs your inner voice

You reply inside, I am a man!

Reach for your flies and take job in hand

 

Thunderous torrent echoes on tiled walls

Was that grunting coming from the stalls?

You allow yourself a little smile

It’s quiet in here, but only for a while

 

The banging door assaults your ears

The slide of zip fulfils your fears

Eyes front, eyes front, don’t look down

Try not to splash your gold around

 

Peripheral sight plays terrible tricks

Why do they all have bigger pricks?

He starts to shake and tug and pull

His bladder can’t have been full

 

You step away in silent respect

Performing male toilet etiquette

You wash your hands in the sink

He does not, dirty sod your think

 

Upon the door you see his hand

The digits that embraced his gland

You’ll see them cup his pint of ale

You mentally stamp - toilet exam - failed