I'd always wanted to see Africa but

 

BANG

I was born at a starting pistol

Risk all?

No need

It's all set out crystal clear

Heed the fear

It's pure instinct

Keep busy

Keep your head down

Like rabbits building warrens

A life of tunnel vision

Listened to everything I was told

You gotta grow up

Or there's no point in getting old

 

I could get all that my parents never owned

The guilty sweat of them working their lives for me

And paying for uni

Seeped in my bones

I was going to prove my whole worth

Stand firm on my turf

It was the only battle worth bothering with:

 

It was brutal, sweaty and savage

As expected, there was friendly fire

And collateral damage:

 

The winner got to be average

 

So I paid my taxes

Kept my landlord sweet

Obeyed all the laws

Didn't disrupt

Debts paid on time

Watched what I ate

Never shagged around

Kept up with current affairs

Listened to sensible music at a reasonable volume

Never smoked

Never did drugs

A couple of beers on the weekend

And a coffee in the morning

Sorted me out just fine

 

In short

I played the game

And paid my dues

But now I've got the shaky feeling

That this game was rigged to lose

I convinced myself

That all this was deserved

But now

It all seems absurd

Because all my mates have the same TVs

Same cars

Same houses

Same stories as me

 

Such a loss

Because despite all those promotions

I always had a boss

And what was the cost?

A buzzing static motion

Like a wasp trapped in a congealing tar ocean

And everyone told me it was kosher

The status quo

But I was always undercover

Pretending I was someone I didn't know

 

Every day at work there was

A comfortable suppressed sadness

As familiar conversations evaporated over and over

 

What'd you do this weekend?

How're the kids?

Are you coming to Tracy's leaving do?

Who's got my fucking Tippex?

 

Chats that smacked the imagination

Into a bloodied unconsciousness

So many words but so little said

Nothing to distract from the

Tax bills

Mortgages

Payslips

That elbowed for space in my head

 

Every four years I cast that invisible vote

It was a floating vote

It floated into nothing

It disappeared into the wind

Like so many lost years

While wars ripped my telly to shreds on a nightly basis

Hoodies weiled knives

There was a new killer flu on the horizon...

 

But none of it ever happened to me.

 

Nothing ever really changed.

 

So much time spent scared of nothing.

 

I didn't know waste had a taste until now.

 

And every brick of this hospital has that discoloured tinge

I cringe at the smell of the rot

That creeped in

Seeped in

And rose so high

Became so normal

That no one ever peeped in to check if I was drowning

 

My memories are like holiday snaps

Wrapped in laminate

 

My skin's the only thing that's real.

I touch my chest:

My diminuendo heartbeat

Spent so long trying to find my feet

And didn't even find them.

 

I can nearly see Africa from here.

 

It's all nearly over.

It was nice.

I remember my English teacher telling me

That nice was a meaningless word.

 

Perfect, then.

 

Just please don't remember me

For the things I never did.