QUIET TIMES

You are still in my head after six years; tell me why are you there still tormenting me?             Am I to be forever mocked by you even though you don’t care about me or my well being?  Don’t you see that you’re making me ill by your presence inside me? An old memory of how you hurt me pushed me over the edge, overshadowing my feelings for you for a few short weeks. Replaced by years of regret, pain, loneliness and six other dark things; none of them good. Why on this quiet Easter Sunday do I think of you? It’s like when I worked on the A12 near Romford at that crap store, you was in my head and heart for some fucked up reason. Was it then you moved down that same A12 to sunny Southend, less than an hour from me living in Essex? I told my mate and he said leave it coz I was with someone. What would have happened if me and my Essex gal had bumped into you in that sunny southern coastal town? Total fuckin’ kaos. I wonder now if we had still been together now, how would we be, would we be a family and still be so in love and happy? Why on these quiet days do you come to me, do you still miss me? Why did you pick me from that penpal site so long ago and start this screwed up thing? I know you’re now married and I hope you’re happy; would I ever dare split you up? I did it before with a married couple, yes I can do it but it doesn’t mean I will for I have someone new now after my trip of hell, through hell. Maybe I should send you the story I wrote about you, along with the songs and poems? Would you tell your husband that Nick sent them and what would he say, would he query the depths of your feelings towards me? I know you still care, as do I but we must forget about what we almost had once, at what nearly could have been. I still say we should have been together from 2004 onwards. You taught me the meaning of true unconditional love, just an academic exercise though never put into practise. How would I feel now if you walked around the corner and saw me? I still can’t figure you out or why we met in the first place, was it to push me towards the edge of death and then teach me compassion? I don’t even think that you know the answers, other than random acts in life, individual situations leading up to one another. I know now I’m happy and wish you the same. What could have been, two Goths together, one English, the other American...