Three Men, Cast Adrift (and starving)

 

When you’re cast adrift in a tiny boat

You lose all track of time

And hunger becomes starvation

But cannibalism’s a crime

 

There were three of them in that tiny boat

Lost, and cast adrift

Cos Obadiah had dropped their oars

No wonder the others were miffed

 

The fog, when it comes, is thicker than pea soup

More like porridge, made by Great Aunty Girt

It claggs up your lungs, and sticks to your hair

And undoes the buttons of your shirts

 

Colin took his jumper off

To make a makeshift sail

He tried to catch a bit of wind

He tried to no avail

 

They say that an ill wind will blow no good

But it was dead calm on that foggy day

Not a gust, nor a breeze, nor a zephyr

Nor a draft, to waft them on their way

 

Three hapless old salts from Grimstone Low

A hackneyed, motley crew

Cast adrift… without an oar

And starvin’… through and through

 

They’d bit their nails down to the quick

For nourishment, and then

They sucked their thumbs for sustenance

And said their last amen

 

It’s no chuffin’ good said Fred

Who they thought of as a brother

I see no point in all three of us starvin’

We ought to eat each other

 

Cos when you’re cast adrift in a tiny boat

And you’ve lost all track of time

Hunger becomes starvation

So is cannibalism a crime 

 

They regarded each other with pork chop eyes

This hackneyed, motley crew

Cos one of ‘em was t’ be eaten

But who’s to decide just who

 

Well… It can’t be me Obadiah said

I’ve a wife and kids yu’ see

And mi ferret’s just had a brood of kits

And they all depend on me

 

No… it can’t be me Obadiah said

As he eyed the other two

So mek yur minds up…  I’m getting’ ‘ungry

It’ll ‘ave to be one of you

 

Now Colin was one o’ them competitive types

Who couldn’t stand t’ be beaten

And now they were playing for the highest of stakes

Cos the looser was going to get eaten

 

He said.. it can’t be me, I’m t’navigator

And I’ve a compass t’ prove it.. he said

You can’t eat me…  nor Obadiah

So all eyes fell upon Fred

 

Have you ever said owt then regretted it later?

 

Poor Fred, his idea had backfired on him

Cos now it was him… to be ate

And he lacked the eloquence to defend his case

So he resigned himsen to his fate

 

Cos when you’re cast adrift in a tiny boat

And you’ve lost all track of time

Hunger becomes starvation

Though cannibalism’s a crime 

 

Just then the fog began to clear

And it brought light to Fred’s heart because

He caught a glimpse of St Rigobert’s clock tower

And realised just what time it was

 

He said.. I know we’d lost all track of time

But it’s been just an hour.. No more

And it’s only two foot deep from here

So we can just walk back to the shore

 

In fact.. he said, I can now see the chippy

We can get some scran there perhaps

And there’s now no need for me t’ be eaten

We can all have some chips and some scraps

 

So things aren’t always as they seem

And it seemed that he’d saved the day

But they’d forgotten to bring any cash with ‘em

……       So they ate him anyway