I think of you often
I think of you each time I see a Mini Cooper (especially if it's green, which is often)
I think of you when I see blue paper
Like touch paper it ignites the flames
Again.
I think of you at night as I lie in my bed
I think of you (sometimes) during my most intimate moments
I think of you when I see a gypsy skirt
Or a leather flower.
I think of you.
I think of you whenever I see the number 22
Your age
The number on your door
I think of you as I look at old photos.
Not of you
Of me, my sisters, my mother.
You were there though, weren't you?
I think of the gifts you bought
The smell of Joy perfume
That most expensive of perfumes
I can still smell it now
Cloying and sickly.
I was never one for perfumes, you know?
I think of you each time I see a digital watch
Any watch
Which is often.
I wanted to keep that
Unlike the clothes you chose for me
The pretty jewellery
The flowers for my hair.
I think of you often
The screams and the shouts and the anger
She listened then
That night.
The night I have blocked out bar the screaming and shouting
And the threats of the police.
I think of you.
I think of you each time I walk down Broadway
The walk of dread after school in case you were there in yourr car
Begging and pleading with me to talk to you.
And then it stopped
For years
And I forgot
Or at least tried to.
And then you thrust me back into being 12 years old with a letter
Addressed to the school (we'd moved, you found me)
Asking for my hand in marriage.
The look of concern on my teacher's face
The look of disgust on my mother's as she tossed it into the bin
Oh I think of you often.
I'm thinking of you now
As tears fall down my face
Dripping onto this sheet of paper.
I think of you
But I don't want to.