Beautiful how you're glistening
Beautiful my mahogany
I love the way you sound to me
I love the way you make me free

Smooth on top I start to groove
Smooth on top your maple wood
Sounds that always make me move
Sounds just like my childhood

Smells like amps and old gear
Smell the old speakers where I am near
Tastes like sex and cheap old beer
Tastes like celebrating on New Year

O...

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You try to trick
You try to play
But I told you
I won't let you stay.

In my head
You've made a home
Constantly screaming and
Finding space to roam.

Playing on repeat
Every reel I cannot stand
Scenes of trauma, the
Torture of your own brand.

I said go away
Told you I'll break,
It only gets worse
When I lie awake.

So I'll take your tools
And take away your space.
Ending it ...

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This is me
Trying to write about you
But there’s too much pain
Too much sadness
I still don’t understand.
The words don’t come
The sounds don’t flow
I just really miss you so.

Backdated 10/8/19

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Get out
Go away,
I've been working hard
For too many days.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Not with you there
Herding all my sheep.

Get out
Go away,
My head's so full
And heavy with clay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Afraid of monsters
That are sure to creep.

Get out
Go away,
I never said
That you could stay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Could end it all
With just... one... leap....

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Touch me
Burn me
Hurt me
Break me
Ache me
Caress me
Kiss me
Cuddle me
Feel me
Hit me
Rub me
Taste me
Grope me
...kill me

Backdated 10/8/19

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I am yours,
Or so it seems.
I give my all,
My everything.
Every night,
You continue to take.
My silent screams,
"I'll break! I'll break!"
But still, you chase,
Still you win.
And once again,
I’ll give in.
I give my all,
My everything.
Because I am yours,
Or so it seems.

Backdated 10/8/19

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Come in
Slide behind
Start our rhythm
Get on your grind
Forget my feelings
I'm losing my mind
Don't need real life
To you I'm blind
Can feel every ache
Wish I could rewind
Know I'll always be hurt
To you, I am confined
Just waiting for the day
To be reassigned

Backdated 10/7/19

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Try hard to push through
Try to bring back the new.
But along comes guilt and shame.
But they won't stop playing their game.

Relationship seems at risk
Relationship seems so brisk.
Maybe it's all in my head
Maybe it's already dead.

Intimacy is more than sex
Intimacy's more of a reflex.
But I need to have honesty
But the one closed off is really me.

Trauma stops any progress
Trau...

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Feeling good
Running around
Catch up on
What’s run into the ground.

So much to do
So far behind
Laundry, yard work
Constantly on the grind.

But fear comes
Banging on my door
Is this real,
Will I plummet to the floor?

Exhausted already
Pushing too hard?
Will I be ok,
Can I let down my guard?

Or is this already
The end of my rope?
I thought I’d healed
And could hold onto h...

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Can't sleep
Startled awake
Every turn
I see your face

Her innocence
You try to take
With no exit
Continue the chase

Always running
My hips, they ache
Strength to continue
I must find and embrace

Create an out
These walls I'll break
Try to heal
Memories that won't erase

Backdated 9/22/19

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Trying to take care,
Do the next right thing.
Save myself,
Just a human being.

Want to run and hide,
From thoughts in my head.
Supposed to be doing better,
Stuck here instead.

Told they will always be,
Like unwanted memories.
Sto fighting, learn to deal
With monsters and enemies.

Just want, to go home
Where I'm comfortable.
Need to stay, safe here
Instead, I'm irritable.

Ba...

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Heavy
A small word.
One not felt,
Only heard.

Heavy,
Hard to describe.
In its grasp,
Already inscribed.

Heavy,
Consumed by heft.
Breaking down,
Nothing left.

Heavy,
A small word.
One felt,
Not only heard...

Backdated 8/28/19

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I know what's coming,
I want to run away.
Maybe a deeper desire,
Always makes me stay.

He slips in behind me
Cuddles and watches TV.
Then he touches me and moves me,
And never once with a plea.

His rhythm begins,
One leg bracing me in.
Leaving his hand down my pants
Grabbing at my skin.

With fury and anger
His force comes to an abrupt halt.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left sh...

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I never gave you any space
Uninvited you've settled in.
Droning on, your nagging voice,
Taking over like a kingpin.

It's crowded up there, where you stay.
Thoughts of bills and pets, and raising my son.
But you bring more and squeeze them in,
Self-harm, starvation, and coming undone.

So overpowering you've become,
Even though I've lived with you for years.
I feel myself caving in mor...

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With me, I carry this weary load,
It seems as if to be a part of me now.
Weighing down, my shoulders slump,
Stress along my furrowed brow.

It eats away at me,  getting in my head.
Telling me how I'm better being erased.
Playing reels on repeat through the night,
Wake up from fault being chased.

Try to let go but the grasp is strong,
For this load keeps maturing where I feel stuck.
I ...

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Exiled
Just like I was before
Trust lost
There was none to mourn
Heart aches
As if an open sore
Self-inflicted
On rages the war

Backdated 8/7/19

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Some days I'm numb
Some days I'm sad
Some days I'm angry
Some days I can't get out of bed

Some days I'm happy
Some days I'm hiding
Some days I'm depressed
Some days I don't know who I am

Some days I'm ok
Some days I'm anxious
Some days I'm pretending
Some days I'm full of regrets

Some days I'm hopeful
Some days I'm suicidal
Some days I'm on track
Most days I'm out of my mind

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I've ached for you for many years
As if you were a long lost friend.
Waiting for your miracle work
And all these wounds to start to mend.

Praying every night for you
Since I was just a kid.
All I needed was a little bit
But it seems vigor I was forbid.

So white knuckle through life I go
And stop praying to an unjust king.
Buried deep the pain inside
Is courage even a real thing?

...

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I put you in a frame today
Pretending to feel all that I spew.
Gave you a little respect,
Because you're somebody I once knew.

They tell me it wasn't your fault
The dreadful things he did.
How your body was not your own,
And the aches you cannot rid.

Words are hard to speak
With his body forced against yours.
Next day feel like his stench
Is dripping out your pores.

So I put you ...

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Stomach is empty
Weight falling like fat raindrops.
Still is not enough.

Backdated 4/11/19

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False concerns,
Worry for nothing.
Someone to talk to?!
Admit you're the hole in my life.
Trying to move on.
Trying to live happily.
You say that's all you want.
Why do you continue to make it so hard?

Backdated 4/8/19

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Terrible the amount of anger spewed;
unrealized and uncontrolled.
Where honesty is meant to come off her tongue,
resentment instead is rolled.

Fighting to get through the pain,
trying to let people in.
But with lack of sauce to keep her sane,
irritability is sure to win.

Coming off as someone she's not
... what it takes to change,
I'm so fucking terrified because
to me that person i...

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Alcoholic,
That's what I am.
Numb,
That's the brand.
Comfort,
That's all I want.
Memories,
That's what you haunt.
Escape,
That's what I try.
Inside,
That's where I die.

Backdated 2/7/19

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Today I took a bath.
Turned the lights down low.
Cold drink.
Lo-Fi beats.
Pax.
Today I took a bath.
The water steaming hot.
Face mask.
Bath bomb.
Relax.
Today I took a bath.
Recover from the day before.
Clean body.
Candles lit.
Lilacs.

Backdated 1/25/19

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Lying on the bathroom floor,
blade resting on the sink.
Unsure how to get up,
I feel myself begin to shrink.

Bloodied tissues looking down
on the mess lying below.
Beaded drops continue to form,
until heavily the must flow.

Shivering against the cold,
damp towel draped over.
Naked body frozen in fear,
flashbacks still they hover.

Passed out from exhaustion
of the war raging insi...

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I'm tired of lies.
I'm so damn confused.
Are you real or
am I being used?

Hope shouted out
with joy from the shrine.
Believe in Him,
leave fear behind.

Entrust your faith
and you shall receive,
everything we've taught
our flock to believe.

Except for those
who go above and beyond.
Rather, in pain
their lives shall be donned.

Backdated 1/15/19

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Surrounded by people
yet nobody cares.
Voices thundering
but no one's there.

     Do this, do that,
     conform to our views.
     Bow down, submit,
     it's ok to be used.

          Drink your liquor
          try to run from the pain
          Make it worse
          and drown in the rain.

     Ignite your bud,
     mind light and floating.
     Indulge in sweets,
     ign...

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Sobriety.
Nobody said it would be fun.
Nobody said I couldn't run.

Run away from memories.
Dive into the bottle.
Drinking at full throttle.

Throttle pushed past her limits.
Jumping hills - watch me fly!
Faster now I'll reach the sky.

Sky dark and heavy.
Trapped away from the sun.
Why have I yet to run?

Backdated 1/13/19

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The dejection
of disappointment.
The bitterness
from betrayal.
The misery
of mourning.
The sadness
from shattering.
The agony
of anxiety.
The dolor
from depression.
The torture
of trauma.
The heaviness
from heartache.

Backdated 1/10/19

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Something bigger.
Something else.
Is there really?
Is there not?

We live on this floating ball in space.
Space, something indefinite.
Something unknown.
Are we alone?

Is it hard to believe
we are the only beings?
Yet harder to believe
there is a higher being.

We live alone
in our own worlds.
We feel alone.
Barren wasteland of existence.

Barren wasteland of a soul.
Body lef...

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The problem is I've held on to hope for so long,
I had forgotten what I was even holding.
Now I've found the thing within my grasp
Has only been a fabrication.

My heart aches so much inside
For the little girl who will never have you.
My body hurts to the core
For the adult who's become burdened.

Continuing like this is insanity.
What I put myself through for you
Will never be worth ...

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All my life I've believed in you,
I thought you were the one getting me through.
Time has passed-- Oh how I grew!
I do not believe the lies they spew.

Your existence is the lie
That hurts so much I wish only to die.
Instead, I turn face to the sky,
And spark what makes sanity equal high.

There is no way you can be real,
And still, cause this pain that we feel.
Unfair is the hand you ...

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I don't understand
The way my body reacts
Or how it doesn't. 

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You're like the zit I shouldn't squeeze.
I only want to pop your head,
And pinch your soul until it bleeds.

Backdated 11/20/18

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Light bounces off the cold metal,
A virgin blade begging for skin.
Pant leg pulled up above her ankle,
Looking for an escape from sin.

Crimson forming behind the glide,
Not too deep she's in control.
The knot within comes untied,
She watches as the feelings roll.

She keeps fighting this battle,
One she feels she may not win.
But her blade, in turn, is evil,
Instead, it will let him ...

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Five years old, or maybe I was six?
The first memory I have to hold on to.
Hiding in my room as screaming begins,
So vicious the poison words they spew.

I drift to sleep but not for long,
Dad swoops me into the truck.
Pitch black outside, my brother crying,
Brain still groggy; mind is amuck.

In the parking lot, we sit,
But he won't let me go back to sleep.
A large truck pulls across ...

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The pain inside burns so deep,
Memories continue to creep.
Abandonment from mother dear,
A little girl consumed by fear.
Dying inside from unmet needs,
Another stroke watch as it bleeds.
Her shattered soul she tries to mend,
Alone she feels without a friend.
Another night she lies awake,
Dreams filled with dread and ache.
Into sleep, she'll surely succumb,
Just like his face will be sum...

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Just try to ignore him...

Ignore his stench,
Like sweat-drenched fears?
Ignore his laugh,
Like a shrill in my ears?
Ignore his face,
Like a revolting ghoul?
Ignore his imbalance,
Like a battered mule?
Ignore his touch,
Like a rugged wrench?
Ignore his darkness,
Like an endless trench?
Ignore his power,
Like a stifling net?
Ignore the things,
I beg to forget?

Backdated 11/16/18

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The sound of your voice
Burned into my memories
Please let me forget

Backdated 11/16/18

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I was supposed to be my brother's keeper,
I raised and watched him grow.
But what I did was hurt him,
Now he's someone I don't even know.

And he doesn't know me either,
It's been so many years since we spoke.
Would he recognize me in the street,
All these tears I'm sure to choke.

I wish I could just take his hand,
Try to explain the insanity.
But my dear brother is gone,
The monster...

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If I take a stand now,
                                    what would I lose?
It's already gone...
                                    yet silent I remain.
Words trapped for so long,
                                    where to begin?
It feels as if there's nothing to gain.


If I take a stand now,
                                     who would I hurt?
Hearts still mending...
         ...

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I put pencil to paper,
But nothing comes out.
Writer's block is an illusion,
What fear is this about?

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Clink, clink, clink goes the ice in the glass.
Golden whiskey trickles down their side.
Goosebumps rise and chest starts to burn.
Swallowing another memory she wished had died.

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A letter...
to you.
But what would I say?

No.
Stop.
Don't touch me that way.

At least that's what I should've said.
But I just lay silently instead.

Thief.
Coward.
A magician, for they don't see.

The hurt.
The shame.
The mark you left on me.

Backdated 11/15/18

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The lights dim and a curtain's drawn,
A quiet theater as the show begins.
It's the same reel playing on repeat,
A shattered heartbroken from sin.

He lies next to her as he'd always done,
Reliving his day through adventurous stories.
But something about him had changed that night,
The girl became something he had to seize.

A kiss of the lips catches her off guard,
"I'm sorry" escapes f...

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I should be doing something,
Get out of this funk I'm in.
Instead I'm stuck in nothing,
Replaying years of sin.

Backdated 11/13/18

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You are the tide,
And I am the shore.
Coming and going,
I crumble once more.

Tumbling and churning,
Bits of me swept afar.
Repeatedly I let you win,
Tidal crashing over my sandbar.

Loud and roaring,
Your waves smash.
Battering my rocks,
Leaving your trash.

The moon begins to pull,
And you leave once more.
Because you are the tide,
And I am the shore.

Backdated 11/13/18

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I need love
I need belief
I need trust
I need compassion
I need comfort
I need healing
I need empathy
I need support
I need existence
I need kindness
I need patience
I need relief
I need protection
I need family
I need peace
I need forgiveness

I judge you for keeping these things from me,
Yet I can't find it in myself to give them to you.

Backdated 11/13/18

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One foot in as she tests the waters,
Scorching hot, enough to revel in.
Tub over-flows as her body sinks,
Like her heart filled with so much sin.

Flames make shadows dance on walls,
Anxious they jitter from beneath the seam.
Chest tightens under the weight of 100 bricks,
As the air continues to thicken with steam.

Tile floor stained with a crimson splash,
So sure this way she would ne...

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You feel so ignorant
When you share and express
Everything that haunts you
And what makes you a mess.

Yet nobody listens
Nobody seems to care
Unwilling to lend help
Or even say a prayer.

But once it's their turn
To cry on your shoulder
Your existence is essential
Forcing you to grow colder.

Don't take time for yourself
Accusations you've gone ghost
Even if being alone is
What ...

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You've always had a way
of disappearing.
How dare me
for interfering.

I thought I was your
only sunshine.
A lie you've taught me
with time.

Is it really so difficult
to believe.
Shunning the one you
did conceive.

Afraid now to just
let go.
Did you know you've made
me hollow.

Maybe someday you'll
come around.
In these lies I'll
surely drown.

Backdated 10/25/18

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Ears always ringing.
Anger built inside my chest.
Who have I become?

Backdated 10/25/18

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Slowly I feel the tension creep,
Up my back to the base of my skull.
Beneath the weight of my sins,
I begin to slowly crumble.

The knot forms with a grip so strong,
My head no longer wants to turn.
Memories keep flashing so fierce,
Along my spine, it starts to burn.

Pulling tight the tension increases,
A pain unbearable above my right eye.
Like the ghost that tortures me within,
Som...

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I'm stumped, 
There is no flow.
Pour a glass of coke,
With whiskey, ya know.

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You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to comfort,
And ease the pain.
Now you're gone and,
I'm sick with anger.
Thinking this whole time,
I've been insane.

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to distract,
And heal the hurt.
Now you're gone and,
I feel like giving up.
My soul sucked dry,
Like a wasted desert.

You were someone,
I thought I could ...

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Look in the mirror, what do I see?
You're standing in the hall, screaming at me.
"Attitude Girl, you're so full of lies.
Shut up now and go dry your eyes."

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
You're looking down, criticizing me.
"Sit up straight, quit licking your lips."
Your words still sting like leather whips.

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
Your glare so stern, burning holes int...

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Oh how I long for a blade,
Rubber bands don't do the trick.
A sting that feels so temporary,
Uncontrolled so goes the flick.

Oh how I long for a blade,
This welt is just not enough.
Repeatedly striking against my wrist,
Skin recognizes the bluff.

Oh how I long for a blade,
Cold stream of red is not the same.
Ice shrinking from inside my thigh,
So close to the origin of shame.

Oh ...

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Slowly pressure rises
Intensity growing
Water starts to dance
Anxious and on edge

Bubbles drift upward
Heat building 
Steam begging to escape
Aching and fed up

Too much to take
Kettle screaming
Rush over to lift it off
Stove glowing hot and red

Poured into a deep mug
Tea steeping
Feel it comfort from within
Relaxed and at ease 

Backdated 10/18/18

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Doing what I know
To feel better
Never been so low
Lines now a blur 

Backdated 10/18/18

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Tied down with fear
Grief heavy on my chest
Lifeless my body lies under the weight
Into my soul, your evil has infest.

Darkness screaming to escape
My skin rips from within
Shadows form until heavily they fall
Heart stained from crimson sin.

Monsters dance along the walls
Singing to the sound of desolation
Tangling the reel inside my mind
Burning through to confuse all emotion.

S...

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Running through a maze of halls
Every corner turned your face appears
Desperately trying to escape your grip
Yet my mind seems to volunteer.

Just from reach of your fingertips
Out of breath, I circle round,
"I'm sorry" consumes the air around me
Inevitably I am dead-end bound.

And so I find myself trapped
Your breath searing the back of my ears
Nails scraping these walls to getaway
...

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Vanished,
Gone faster than imagined,
Without a word,
Tragic.
Expecting,
Forgiveness and acceptance,
As if it never happened,
Resentment.
Pretending,
Relationship on the rise,
Can't do this,
Demise.

Backdated 10/8/18

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Memories hide,
Buried deep,
Pushed aside.
Scarred skin,
Aching for relief,
Burning from within.
Little girl,
Lost and lonely,
Insides whirl.
Grown adult,
Still weak and afraid,
It's not her fault.
Forever an object,
Tired of being used.
Future bright,
Loving home,
Fight or flight?
Shameful feelings,
Nothing makes sense,
Need some healing.

Backdated 10/4/18

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