new year, new me

new year, same old shit, same broken me.

the games they play will never change

the lies they tell will only grow in numbers

and every one

will erode at my happiness

and reduce what could have been mountains

down to only dirt.

i am broken

shattered

irrepairable 

destroyed.

i used to be

i try to be

so kind

and compassi...

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to you,

i am nothing.

every memory

every laugh 

every smile

every tear

every mistake

every argument

every compliment

is nothing.

i could never compare

to weed

according to you.

i could never compare

to autism and down syndrome jokes

according to you.

my love for you

the fact that you're my best friend

the things you've help...

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i want to marry you.
maybe we'll both wear dresses 
maybe Skyler will be our best man
maybe my family won't be invited
maybe Steve will walk me down the isle
maybe our color will be black
or blue
or dark red 
or a deep purple
maybe you'll have half your head shaved
and I'll have an arm covered in tattoos
maybe our first dance will be to an Incubus song
maybe to an Ed Sheeran song
mayb...

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have you ever experienced
a love 
so strong 
you question your beliefs?

I'm an atheist.
I don't believe in a god
or an afterlife 
but
this love 
makes me wonder 
if over the course of time
our souls 
have been colliding 
and bonding 
and that's why
everything 
is so natural 
between us

I'm not talking about something romantic
but something innocent
for he has touched my hea...

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color used to be a distant memory.

I had seen the world in black and white for so long 
I couldn't even tell you the shades in a rainbow.

I had gotten used to playing along
when people would say 
"look at how bright! look at how wonderful! look at how vivid! look at how beautiful the world is!"
I would smile 
and say 
yeah, it's amazing
when all I saw were dismal shades of grey and bl...

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(fun fact: im writing this while we're on hangouts but you're talking to your grandma)

you are the reason for my sanity.

you are my everything.

my best friend, my brother, my will to live, my source of happiness.

the more i open up to you

about the inerworkings of my brain

i gain confidence.

the more i share with you 

about my darkest thoughts,

i feel less lonley

cos ...

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things are getting bad again. things have been bad for awhile.

maybe im thinking too much, i mean, i havent slept in 24 hours

maybe it's just that video i watched on black holes getting to me

the thought that one day everything i know will just be sucked into one singularity and basically cease to exist

it's not really comforting...

things have been bad for awhile.

it's not so mu...

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I wanted death.

I wanted to leave.

I wanted to give up.

It was like driving down the interstate when it's raining.

Hard.

And

you're terrified

Because

you can't even see the end

of the hood of your car

Let alone the road in front of you.

You feel lonley

You don't know if there's anyone else there

on the road

You don't know if you're g...

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I now smoke Marlboro Red 100's

But I have a black Bic lighter, not a cherry red one

When I cry from missing you, I light one up

The tears stop. My hands return to their normal steadiness and not their angsty shaky state

 I inhale the smoke and watch the end of the cigarette burn bright. I breathe in so deeply that I almost cough

Almost.

I exhale through my nose and a strong chemi...

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Note: there is some strong language in this. it's not too bad. it's not too excessive, either. one word in here twice, i think. and if you're wondering, yes, the colors mean something. and yes, im genuinely asking a question to you, the reader. and to the person this is about. but i pray he never reads or finds this. anyway, enjoy.

Am I selfish for wanting another hug? 

I handed you the...

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You were wearing purple today. Purple is going to be ×××'s color now. But blue has always been mine. That's how I knew I was ready to give you that letter. You were wearing my color...

Your eyes were a brighter blue today. After you came in from having a cigarette, you walked past me, then paused. Coffee and tobacco smoke. That's what you smelled like. That's my smell now.

"Just under a minu...

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