The VIP Fast Lane
Hello Michael, Michelle here, are you free?
I understand you need a hand with Covid PPE
We’ve got factories in Hong Kong, Indonesia, and Laos
And if you help us get the contract
We can build a nice new house
It isn’t complicated, just a straightforward import shipment
For the rapid expedition of personal protective equipment
The kind of gear you need - masks and gowns an...
Friday 29th December 2023 11:43 am
They Sent Santa to Rwanda
Breaking News ...
They sent Santa to Rwanda
He didn’t want to go
The reindeer got deported too
That’s the last they’ll see of snow
In attempting to circumvent border control
It was deemed an illegal immigration
Caught in the lights of the aerial patrol
With no proof of destination
Now he’s in a detention place
The subject of arrest
They’ve digitised (and 3D ...
Sunday 24th December 2023 11:51 pm
Red stilettos on the bowling green
This is for my dear sister Carole, whom we lost on Monday. She was a member of a very traditional and, dare I say it, quite mysoginistic suburban tennis and bowling club. She played neither, but was by far the best actor in the amateur dramatics section, which sadly folded years ago. She was a brilliant and inspirational primary school teacher, who loved telling stories, especially in verse. She a...
Wednesday 20th December 2023 2:45 pm
The Tough Gig
The invitation came from an anonymous source
With a hint of menace in a note of force
A resolution has been passed
By our High Command
For festive entertainment we want your band
This is not optional, there’s no way out
We’re ready and waiting so don’t hang about
Be at the Village Hall on the Thirteenth of December
And prepare to deliver an event to remember
There’ll be...
Thursday 14th December 2023 9:32 am
Cold Meat
I had Toulouse my little sausage
From the Parma of my hand
My Mortadella’s got a new fella
Plays bass in a rock and roll band
She prefers his chipolata
He’s got Bellotta charms
And he’s carried off my baby
In his hairy, ham-like arms
Though his prosciutto’s strictly crudo
And he lacks any social grace
She’s Salsiccia of me
So she’s moved in to his place
...Monday 11th December 2023 8:34 am
An Old Etonian’s advice to his son
Privilege smells of wet dog
And grouse moor fog
And Jacob Rees Mogg
It’s an enduring trait
Gravy stained Old School ties
Pink chinos, button flies
Entitlement never dies
If delivered on a plate
Never reveal any distress
Got something wrong? don’t confess
Embrace chaos, the Eton Mess
Deny, deflect, obfuscate
Surround yourself with old school chums
...Wednesday 6th December 2023 4:58 pm
A Good Innings
It was fun while it lasted
Now it’s time to leave the crease
Take the plaudits, raise your bat
Let the innings cease
No need to hang around for tea
Just take your bag and shuffle off
And please, don’t go near the cakes
With that painful, hacking cough
Looks like rain, did you check the covers?
And coil up the boundary rope
Without proper preparation
I’m ...
Friday 1st December 2023 8:11 am
Rewilding the golf club
They’ve identified our golf club
for returning to the wild
It’s to become a verdant Eden
For every adult, dog and child
A place of natural splendour
Where no groundsmen smoke or hunker
Sheltering from the elements in the deeper fairway bunkers
No more Pringle sweaters in pink and blue and grey
No more Captain’s Prize and no more Ladies’ Day
No more midweek medals o...
Saturday 25th November 2023 6:35 pm
Once upon a time in a vest
There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green
The pianola’s full of holes
The Man with No Name’s
Got a Zimmer frame
And a tray of sausage rolls
He’s a High Plains drifter
Not from round here
The strong and silent type
Got a dance partner, can’t lift her
They practice moves on Skype
At the monthly hoedown
At the nursing home
He wears a felt ten-gallon hat
It’s ...
Wednesday 22nd November 2023 6:19 pm
Urinal View
It is our extreme pleasure
To cast open our doors for you
And present for your lifestyle and leisure
The incomparable Urinal View
Imagine yourself on summer days
On your balcony facing the strand
Absorbing ultraviolet rays
Where the lavatories stand
Twenty-two exclusive apartments
Designed for the fortunate few
With an open Northerly aspect
Overhanging the public l...
Sunday 19th November 2023 4:18 pm
Dave's Back
When all around is crumbling
And there’s nothing left to save
And the economy is tumbling
It’s time to call for Dave
He’s super and he’s Tory
His haircut is so smart
He would be great on Jackanory
He just looks and sounds the part
He once called a referendum
That left us lonely and bereft
Wrote a memoir, an addendum
To a career lacking heft
He sat...
Monday 13th November 2023 6:12 pm
Walking into the light
The morning sun silvered the poplar leaves
Somewhere others lay in the cut clay
waiting
And I smelt the sea’s dead things
As I walked.
Kelp, razor shells, crabs, limpets
School friends swam and laughed in sandy craters
And there I was walking
By Goat's Water, the Old Man looking down
As he had for all my life
And all those other lives before
The smell of wet bra...
Thursday 9th November 2023 9:32 pm
Love on the Allotment
Their love on the allotment bloomed in early Spring
This was a lasting passion, no fleeting seasonal fling
The seeds of it were scattered in an afternoon of planting
Which concluded in Myfanwy’s shed with groans and furtive panting
While Carwyn sowed his sunflower seeds she tended to his plums
They shared a packet of McVities best, nibbling on the crumbs
When Spring turned i...
Tuesday 7th November 2023 5:39 pm
Neighbour's got a new hot tub
Neighbour’s got a new hot tub
Cost six grand from B and Q
It came with white robes, a fridge and a sub
They’re for the chosen few
Neighbour’s got a new hot tub
It completely fills his deck
It’s superior to a back rub
And it’s sorted out his neck
It’s both rigid and inflatable
With blue lights in LED
It’s necessity’s debatable
It’s an al fresco luxury
...
Saturday 4th November 2023 2:18 pm
The Georgian Quarter
From stately Georgian houses
The summer evening fills
With Georgian ladies’ laughter
As they meet to dance Quadrilles
Their laughter tinkles down the years
From Hope and Rodney Street
On wreaths of smoke it gently steers
Their tiny Georgian feet
So delicate the tracery
Of plastered ceiling coves
Fanlights warmly candlelit
And Palladian porticoes
The city ...
Monday 30th October 2023 5:59 pm
Somewhere close to Westminster Bridge, October 2023, lines written on hearing of a new presenter on GB News.
Earth has not anything to show more shit
Mad would she be of soul who could watch it
A sight so tragic, such a travesty
This chancer now doth, like a varmint wear
The mask of a presenter, barefaced stare
Scandal, pandemic, the litany of lies
Indifferent, callous, let bodies pile high
Wittering trivia to the poisoned air
Never did one so manifestly seep
Self important ...
Saturday 28th October 2023 9:10 am
DIY Man
There’s a Viking Warrior around the back
With a multi-tool and a Power Pack
Keeps nuts and bolts in a padlocked sack
He’s a DIY Man, he’s building a shack
With his manic ScrewFix lust
He’ll transform that hedge into dust
It makes no odds, he’s not fussed
He’s a DIY Man, born to rust
He wears a John Deere branded shirt
Recharges himself when he feels inert
Wa...
Tuesday 24th October 2023 11:03 pm
Kidnap in Venice - Here comes the W.I.
On the Grand Canal in Venice
where bridges span and sigh
There’s a rising sense of menace
Here comes the W.I.
They’re oblivious to the sandbags
Stacked against an inundation
As they wield their leather handbags
And march in tight formation
At the head of them is Norah
The bravest and the best
The other girls adore her
In their phalanx, ten abreast
...
Saturday 21st October 2023 5:44 pm
The Barge
It’ll take 500.
in cabins with twin bunks
It’s not a Cunard liner
No need to bring your trunks
There is no captain’s table
Nor cocktails on the deck
No space for any loungers
On this brutal prefab wreck
It’s a worry for the fire brigade
Whose natural concern
Is how to evacuate the inmates
Should it ignite, and burn
Did I say inmates? A Freudian slip
But this ...
Wednesday 18th October 2023 5:27 pm
A Kangaroo at the Barbecue
There’s a Kangaroo at the barbecue
She’s not supposed to be here
There’s a kangaroo at the barbecue
Snaffling snags and necking beer
She just hopped off with a chicken thigh
That thigh has never been so high
It was a bit of a shock, I’m not gonna lie
She’s a chargrill kleptomaniac
A high flying ‘roo with a view
Get Superman, call Brainiac
She’s bit off more than ...
Monday 16th October 2023 7:38 pm
The Dreadnought Suffragette
Norah Smyth was brought up in Great Barrow, the small Cheshire village where I live. Her father was a wealthy corn merchant originally from Ireland & their home, Barrowmore Hall, destroyed by a stray German bomb in WW2 was one of the county's finest Victorian country houses. She was an activist for social change and a close friend of (and chauffeur to) the Pankhursts, using most of her £30,000 in...
Friday 13th October 2023 2:44 pm
Ghost Train
Ghost Train
This is the ghost train that won’t make the Border,
Bringing chaos and transport disorder
More cash for the rich, no help to the poor
Closed shops on the corner, all empty next door
Pulling up in Brum, the end of the line
Well over budget, stopped in time
No cotton grass or moorland boulder
No fast trains til we’re all a lot older
No student railcards o...
Monday 9th October 2023 2:10 pm
The Mariner’s Home
As the mariner sinks softly beneath the white tipped foam
He dreams of shadowed woodlands
In his County Antrim home
Where gulls rise in the sunlight echoing and free
And bluebell glens descend in silver ribbons to the sea
And he smiles a gentle smile that lights up the space around
And recalls the love that once was lost but now is surely found
For the one who stayed beside ...
Wednesday 13th September 2023 10:31 pm
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