Hello Michael, Michelle here, are you free?

I understand you need a hand with Covid PPE

We’ve got factories in Hong Kong, Indonesia, and Laos

And if you help us get the contract

We can build a nice new house

It isn’t complicated, just a straightforward import shipment

For the rapid expedition of personal protective equipment 

The kind of gear you need - masks and gowns an...

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Breaking News ...

They sent Santa to Rwanda

He didn’t want to go

The reindeer got deported too

That’s the last they’ll see of snow

In attempting to circumvent border control

It was deemed an illegal immigration 

Caught in the lights of the aerial patrol

With no proof of destination 

Now he’s in a detention place

The subject of arrest

They’ve digitised (and 3D ...

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This is for my dear sister Carole, whom we lost on Monday. She was a member of a very traditional and, dare I say it, quite mysoginistic suburban tennis and bowling club. She played neither, but was by far the best actor in the amateur dramatics section, which sadly folded years ago. She was a brilliant and inspirational primary school teacher, who loved telling stories, especially in verse. She a...

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The invitation came from an anonymous source

With a hint of menace in a note of force

A resolution has been passed

By our High Command

For festive entertainment we want your band

This is not optional, there’s no way out 

We’re ready and waiting so don’t hang about

Be at the Village Hall on the Thirteenth of December

And prepare to deliver an event to remember

There’ll be...

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I had Toulouse my little sausage

From the Parma of my hand

My Mortadella’s got a new fella

Plays bass in a rock and roll band

She prefers his chipolata

He’s got Bellotta charms

And he’s carried off my baby

In his hairy, ham-like arms

Though his prosciutto’s strictly crudo

And he lacks any social grace

She’s Salsiccia of me

So she’s moved in to his place

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Privilege smells of wet dog

And grouse moor fog

And Jacob Rees Mogg

It’s an enduring trait

Gravy stained Old School ties

Pink chinos, button flies

Entitlement never dies

If delivered on a plate

Never reveal any distress

Got something wrong? don’t confess

Embrace chaos, the Eton Mess

Deny, deflect, obfuscate

Surround yourself with old school chums

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It was fun while it lasted

Now it’s time to leave the crease

Take the plaudits, raise your bat

Let the innings cease

No need to hang around for tea

Just take your bag and shuffle off

And please, don’t go near the cakes

With that painful, hacking cough

Looks like rain, did you check the covers?

And coil up the boundary rope

Without proper preparation 

I’m ...

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They’ve identified our golf club

for returning to the wild

It’s to become a verdant Eden 

For every adult, dog and child

A place of natural splendour

Where no groundsmen smoke or hunker

Sheltering from the elements in the deeper fairway bunkers

No more Pringle sweaters in pink and blue and grey

No more Captain’s Prize and no more Ladies’ Day

No more midweek medals o...

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There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green

The pianola’s full of holes

The Man with No Name’s

Got a Zimmer frame 

And a tray of sausage rolls

He’s a High Plains drifter 

Not from round here

The strong and silent type

Got a dance partner, can’t lift her

They practice moves on Skype

At the monthly hoedown 

At the nursing home 

He wears a felt ten-gallon hat

It’s ...

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It is our extreme pleasure

To cast open our doors for you

And present for your lifestyle and leisure

The incomparable Urinal View

Imagine yourself on summer days

On your balcony facing the strand

Absorbing ultraviolet rays

Where the lavatories stand

Twenty-two exclusive apartments

Designed for the fortunate few

With an open Northerly aspect

Overhanging the public l...

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When all around is crumbling

And there’s nothing left to save

And the economy is tumbling

It’s time to call for Dave

He’s super and he’s Tory

His haircut is so smart

He would be great on Jackanory

He just looks and sounds the part

He once called a referendum

That left us lonely and bereft

Wrote a memoir, an addendum

To a career lacking heft

He sat...

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The morning sun silvered the poplar leaves

Somewhere others lay in the cut clay 

waiting

And I smelt the sea’s dead things

As I walked. 

Kelp, razor shells, crabs, limpets

School friends swam and laughed in sandy craters

And there I was walking

By Goat's Water, the Old Man looking down

As he had for all my life 

And all those other lives before

The smell of wet bra...

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Their love on the allotment bloomed in early Spring

This was a lasting passion, no fleeting seasonal fling

The seeds of it were scattered in an afternoon of planting

Which concluded in Myfanwy’s shed with groans and furtive panting

While Carwyn sowed his sunflower seeds she tended to his plums

They shared a packet of McVities best, nibbling on the crumbs

When Spring turned i...

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Neighbour’s got a new hot tub

Cost six grand from B and Q

It came with white robes, a fridge and a sub

They’re for the chosen few

Neighbour’s got a new hot tub

It completely fills his deck

It’s superior to a back rub

And it’s sorted out his neck

It’s both rigid and inflatable

With blue lights in LED

It’s necessity’s debatable 

It’s an al fresco luxury

...

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From stately Georgian houses 

The summer evening fills

With Georgian ladies’ laughter

As they meet to dance Quadrilles

Their laughter tinkles down the years

From Hope and Rodney Street

On wreaths of smoke it gently steers

Their tiny Georgian feet

So delicate the tracery 

Of plastered ceiling coves

Fanlights warmly candlelit

And Palladian porticoes

The city ...

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Earth has not anything to show more shit

Mad would she be of soul who could watch it

A sight so tragic, such a travesty 

This chancer now doth, like a varmint wear

The mask of a presenter, barefaced stare

Scandal, pandemic, the litany of lies

Indifferent, callous, let bodies pile high

Wittering trivia to the poisoned air  

Never did one so manifestly seep

Self important ...

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There’s a Viking Warrior around the back

With a multi-tool and a Power Pack

Keeps nuts and bolts in a padlocked sack

He’s a DIY Man, he’s building a shack

With his manic ScrewFix lust

He’ll transform that hedge into dust

It makes no odds, he’s not fussed

He’s a DIY Man, born to rust

He wears a John Deere branded shirt

Recharges himself when he feels inert

Wa...

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On the Grand Canal in Venice

where bridges span and sigh

There’s a rising sense of menace

Here comes the W.I.

They’re oblivious to the sandbags

Stacked against an inundation

As they wield their leather handbags

And march in tight formation

At the head of them is Norah

The bravest and the best 

The other girls adore her

In their phalanx, ten abreast

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It’ll take 500.

in cabins with twin bunks

It’s not a Cunard liner

No need to bring your trunks

There is no captain’s table

Nor cocktails on the deck

No space for any loungers

On this brutal prefab wreck

It’s a worry for the fire brigade

Whose natural concern

Is how to evacuate the inmates

Should it ignite, and burn

Did I say inmates? A Freudian slip

But this ...

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There’s a Kangaroo at the barbecue

She’s not supposed to be here

There’s a kangaroo at the barbecue

Snaffling snags and necking beer

She just hopped off with a chicken thigh

That thigh has never been so high

It was a bit of a shock, I’m not gonna lie

She’s a chargrill kleptomaniac

A high flying ‘roo with a view

Get Superman, call Brainiac

She’s bit off more than ...

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Norah Smyth was brought up in Great Barrow, the small Cheshire village where I live. Her father was a wealthy corn merchant originally from Ireland & their home, Barrowmore Hall, destroyed by a stray German bomb in WW2 was one of the county's finest Victorian country houses.  She was an activist for social change and a close friend of (and chauffeur to) the Pankhursts, using most of her £30,000 in...

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Ghost Train

This is the ghost train that won’t make the Border, 

Bringing chaos and transport disorder

More cash for the rich, no help to the poor

Closed shops on the corner, all empty next door

Pulling up in Brum, the end of the line

Well over budget, stopped in time

No cotton grass or moorland boulder

No fast trains til we’re all a lot older

No student railcards o...

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As the mariner sinks softly beneath the white tipped foam

He dreams of shadowed woodlands 

In his County Antrim home

Where gulls rise in the sunlight echoing and free 

And bluebell glens descend in silver ribbons to the sea

And he smiles a gentle smile that lights up the space around

And recalls the love that once was lost but now is surely found

For the one who stayed beside ...

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