Hi, I'm George Garage, the Ethical Earwig. I always materialise and raise the tone whenever it is in danger of slipping.

Later, I will share with you some lovely flower recipes.

Now behave.

You know that's what I've always wanted a pair of elegant wigs for my ears

Well, we currently have several styles in stock:
the topiary -- a hairpiece fashioned to resemble a hedge
the telephone wire ringlet
the shuffled deck -- a very layered effect like a fan of cards
the mullet and chips
the mancunian union canal -- riddled with canal-type partings
the weather forecast -- people will hazard a guess at what's coming when they see you.

All at 20% discount.

I've outsourced. My hair is in China for styling. It's Spode.

Dogspot should have been spode. It would have saved a lot of problems.

Dogspot is pure pewter on the hooter with thistledown trews and woven mould pertplates.

Your hair is currently under government scrutiny as a possible root (and follicle) cause of tinsanes in badgers.

This is no time for the glib fib.

Sorry I am guilty. I confess. It was me who wiped out the goodgers.

No more goodgers anymore, as the Stranglers are wont to sing.

Did you know earwigs dance -- a bit like bees do -- to indicate the location of food? Cha cha cha the buffet's over there, okay-ya.

Hmm! Sloane earwigs.

Sloane More Heroes Harvey Nics

Goodgers of the Terrace never grew up, and now they never will.
As the Stranglers once probably didn't sing!

Earwigs is, presumably, the simple present of the verb, earwig.
I mean, it would, would it not, make a simple present?
Earwigging the present continuous? To be used as decoration in the absence of molly or histletoe, at pagan midwinter festivals.
Earwig! would, naturally, be imperative. Especially if one were to lose one's aural hair.
And might suffice to distract potential stranglers.

Sprig.

train earwigs to prong spuds ready for baking. I have. small pleasures shot through till they're leaf lace traces. Sprig.

I have a range of stick-on earwigs. All ethically made, I hasten to add.
They are in a range of colours and textures.
The ones I most wear are the dragon-skin ear-cum-cheek'n'jowl variety in a lovely flush-finish mauve that becomes almost bile-green in certain mood lights.

The mood lights I had to suopply myself.
My wife bought the wigs, for my 96th wedding anniversary to a canary.
She can never forgive this indiscretion: she bought me these, but the canary got the magician's top hat which releases all manner of double-barrelled entendres in a roll-over contionuous loop pattern. The overall theme tends to be based around the forced repatriation to nether realms.

I think it is aimed at me.

How on Earth do you train ear wigs? If indeed, this is where it is done. Were it to be on the Moon you'd have trouble as the wigs struggle with the gravity of their situation, not to mention the situation of their gravity.

You know, not many people realise that there was a cover-up Neil Armstrong has long been misquoted. What he actually said was, Houston, Tranquility base here, The earwig has landed.

i read a book by a guy called lyall watson - he spoke of the nervous systems of cockroaches - and they can apparently, be trained -

the other week I saw half a dozen of the buggars playin bridge...