Hi
Someone has asked me to post the following poem for you to review.

Be clear that this is a real person with real feelings who wants to improve and, I assure you, it is not me.

So I'm asking that you're critiques are of the positive variety i.e. no matter what you think of the poem please substantiate your criticism and make positive suggestions on how it can be improved.

Thanks, Paul
___________

Fawns and Pawns.

With faltering steps and wobbly legs
like a fawn just weaned from its mother.
A little girl enters the classroom, a giant horse
on a rocking frame with wild eyes and unruly mane,
a 'Wendy' house and cold metal slide made
their first impressions, and she would have turned and fled
but for the familiar whiff of tobacco strangely out of place
and the bookshelves lining one wall which weren't.
With huge dolefully soft brown eyes and a smile as wide
as the sunrays across the wooden floor she sat, her hands
beneath her chin, gazing in awesome wonder.

While all around her others filed in, some with
tears in their eyes on the first day away from mum.
Out on the field their parents gathered consoling those
distraught at the thought of losing their young
to the big bad world and its teachers with
a new routine and agenda set in stone.
Would every day be like this?
Some with new found freedom to wander round
shops and visit their friends without kids
tugging at their skirts. "I'm bored."

The caretaker stands and surveys a scene he's
viewed so many times before. Stokes the boilers
before scrubbing the floors on all fours among
new names and coloured tags on the hooks
for cardigans and coats. At close of day
he winks at Dobbin the rockin' horse and strokes
his ageing mane, sharing his day with the one
that's been there as long as him, then lighting
St. Bruno in his time worn pipe he walks around
the floors tidying up as he goes, preparing
for another adventure in another new day
of fawns and pawns.

here's an anonymous review - again this is not by me, honest.
Anyone wanting to post anonymously write to me paul@writeoutloud.net
___________________

Fawns and Pawns.

With faltering steps and wobbly legs
like a fawn just weaned from its mother.
A little girl enters the classroom, a giant horse
------
I feel the punctuation is not quite right here – does not the little girl belong in the same clause as fawn/mother etc?
-----
on a rocking frame with wild eyes and unruly mane,
a 'Wendy' house and cold metal slide made
their first impressions, and she would have turned and fled
------
Again – the punctuation doesn’t feel quite right. Perhaps full stop after first impressions, then lose the ‘and’ starting the next clause.
-----
but for the familiar whiff of tobacco strangely out of place
and the bookshelves lining one wall which weren't.
-----
Which weren’t what? – strangely out of place or familiar? I can understand a child being comforted by a familiar smell, perhaps granddad smells of tobacco, but I can’t see that they would find the sight of bookshelves comforting.
-----
With huge dolefully soft brown eyes and a smile as wide
as the sunrays across the wooden floor she sat, her hands
-----
Four adjectives and a simile are a little too much description, they are a little overly sentimental, perhaps?
-----
beneath her chin, gazing in awesome wonder.

While all around her others filed in, some with
tears in their eyes on the first day away from mum.
-----
‘While all around her ‘ suggests she was doing something else, as you don’t say that the clause is left unfinished. I think the ‘While’ is superfluous.
-----
Out on the field their parents gathered consoling those
distraught at the thought of losing their young
to the big bad world and its teachers with
a new routine and agenda set in stone.
-----
Overly long clause.
-----
Would every day be like this?
Some with new found freedom to wander round
shops and visit their friends without kids
tugging at their skirts. "I'm bored."
-----
Abrupt finish to this thought – the ‘mums without their children’ notion could be explored further.
-----
The caretaker stands and surveys a scene he's
viewed so many times before. Stokes the boilers
before scrubbing the floors on all fours among
new names and coloured tags on the hooks
for cardigans and coats. At close of day
he winks at Dobbin the rockin' horse and strokes
his ageing mane, sharing his day with the one
that's been there as long as him, then lighting
St. Bruno in his time worn pipe he walks around
the floors tidying up as he goes, preparing
for another adventure in another new day
of fawns and pawns.
-----
Very long sentence indeed.
-----
Overall – feels like a first draft. Like the rocking horse image ‘book-ending’ the poem, but feel it is given a significance that is not explored. Poem wanders a little, and whilst I appreciate that this might be deliberate in that you are trying to show the first day of school from the perspective of the child, the parent, and the caretaker, I think it is trying to do too much. Perhaps better to stick to one point-of-view and explore it thoroughly rather than get all 3 in? Maybe it could be a series of poems about the one experience from various perspectives.

I also was unsure about the title and first/last lines – there is a lot of sentimentality to this poem – Bambi like images, rocking horses, tobacco smoke – all made me fancy a Werther’s Original! – but then why pawns? This together with the ‘agenda set in stone’ made me think that there was an underlying political message – which is ill at ease with the emotional nature of the piece

Hi Paul
This is my rearrangement of the poem, clearly arranged for performance, it reads well, and is set denuded of punctuation. I have omitted some of the wordy jarry discriptive detail. And added the repeation of the word Tug, she also smiles across a broad wooden floor which reinforces her wide sunny smile.


With faltering steps
Like a fawn
.

A little girl enters the classroom
A giant horse
Upon
A rocking frame

A 'Wendy' house
And
Cold metal slide
Made their first impressions
She would have turned
And fled

All

But

For the familiar whiff
Of tobacco
Strangely out of place

Soft brown eyes
And
A smile as wide
As sunrays
Across the broad wooden floor
Sat she
Her hands
Beneath her chin

One by one
Others filed in
Tears in their eyes
First day
Away from their mothers
Parents gathered
Consoling those distraught
Big bad world
And
Its teachers
With
Agendas set in stone

Would every day be like this?

New found freedom
Without kids

Tug

Tug Tug
Tugging
At their skirts

The caretaker
Surveys a scene
Stokes the boilers
Before
Scrubbing the floors
On all fours
Among
New names
And
Coloured tags
On the hooks
For cardigans and coats
At the close of day
He winks
At Dobbin the rocking horse
And
Strokes
Hs ageing mane
Lighting
St. Bruno in his time worn pipe
He walks
The floors


Another new day
Of
Fawns and pawns

Here's another anonymous review. Again, I assure you it isn't by me.
Paul
____

This doesn't scan and is a short story rather than a poem. It works fine as a short story and short stories are good and so are poems so it wouldn't gain anything by being turned into a poem, so I would say to keep it as a short story. It also has a very straightforward narrative that progresses through with a beginning, middle and an end - something that is useful (and often very important) in a story, but perhaps not as critical to a poem as say mood and purpose would be.

There is no need for carriage returns in the middle of the sentences, because they don't make it into a poem, they just make it look like it is trying to be one. There is no audible rhythm when you read it aloud, and there is nowhere that you could break it up to make an effective line length in terms of syllable count to make it into a poem without changing a lot of the words for synonyms. Even then, it would not read rhythmically because too many of the syllables are not placed such as to give it a flow.

I would set it out like this:

With faltering steps and wobbly legs, like a fawn just weaned from its mother, a little girl enters the classroom - a giant horse on a rocking frame with wild eyes and unruly mane. A Wendy house and cold metal slide made their first impressions and she would have turned and fled, but for the familiar whiff of tobacco (strangely out of place) and the bookshelves lining one wall, which weren't. With huge dolefully soft brown eyes and a smile as wide as the sunrays across the wooden floor she sat, her hands beneath her chin, gazing in awesome wonder while all the others around her filed in. #

Some of them had tears in their eyes on the first day away from mum. Out on the field their parents gathered consoling those distraught at the thought of losing their young to the big bad world and its teachers, with a new routine and agenda set in stone. Would every day be like this? Some of the parents grasped opportunistically at new found freedoms to wander round shops and visit their friends without kids tugging at their skirts: "I'm bored."

The caretaker stands and surveys a scene he's viewed so many times before; stokes the boilers before scrubbing the floors on all fours among new names and coloured tags on the hooks for cardigans and coats. At the close of the day, he winks at Dobbin the rocking horse and strokes his ageing mane, sharing his day with the one that's been there as long as him. Then, lighting St. Bruno in his time-worn pipe, he walks around the floors tidying up as he goes - preparing for another adventure, in another new day, of fawns and pawns.

Interesting exercise.

I agree that this is a short story rather than a poem and that Gus's reconstruction for performance doesn't result in something which would have the rhythmic flow to work well in performance.

The reconstruction by the second anonymous reviewer does improve it as the short story which I think he rightly identifies it as being.

As a story it is a nice observational piece that has enough descriptive detail to create good images. A weakness in this is too adult a view from the eyes of the child. I agree with the point that it would work better as three separate pieces with their different viewpoints. The fact that it works as a short story doesn't mean that it shouldn't be a poem.

If it was separated into its three elements in prose and then reworked to produce rhythms appropriate to the experience of each player I think it is capable of becoming three excellent poems.

If the author is interested in developing the piece it would be good to see how it might change.

I have no idea who the author might be although I could have a good guess at the two anonymous reviewers. If anonymity makes it easier for people to give and get constructive criticism maybe it should be introduced as a part of the forum that is encouraged and facilitated.

The author.

First and foremost i would like to thank everyone for their critique and comments. I am thrilled with the results and followed the thread with enthusiasm. I feel encouraged to continue working with this piece.
It was intended as one in a series of nostalgic poems.

To anonymous entry 1.
Yes i completely agree with the valid ponts made towards the necessary changes to make it a poem.
It is indeed a first draft but i was unsure how much to cut from the piece for best results for imagery, feelings and purpose and then going on to decide what format to use so your knowledge and insight is much appreciated and valued.
The title came to me before the writing, and i can see the reasoning where you mention political content but to be honest there is no intentional hidden agenda within it, we are all like pawns in society, education is compulsory and school times and curriculums are set by government bodies etc...
but it is only meant to touch on that subject lightly. It isn't trying to be deeply profound. :-)
Thankyou very much.

To anonymous entry 2.
I admit to my original intent to create a poem from this but your comments and re-working of the piece has changed my outlook. I will keep it as a short story and follow your guidance as to how to re-work it. Thankyou also very much.

To Gus,
thankyou for your re-write of my work.
The thing i find interesting is that your version resembles the ''brainstorm'' notes on my page before writing the piece so i've learned from this that perhaps it should be a short story after all. Because of my wanting it to be portrayed as a nostalgic piece, i feel your version cut all the emotion from it. I do appreciate there might be a little too much sentimentality in my piece but i'd like to keep the warmth. :-)
Thankyou very much.

Malpoet.
I thank you too for your contribution and although i've decided to keep this as a short story i will think about working on the three separate elements as you and the first anonymous poster suggests to make three short poems. I'm not sure they'll be excellent but it's given me inspiration and i feel quite excited at the prospect of attempting it.

I'd be interested to hear what the contributors think about this excercize as Malpoet described it.
Was it easier to give critique with no knowledge of who wrote it?
Did it make you think more about the content and how you chose your words?
I hope each of you enjoyed the experience as much as i did and would like to say it wasn't a test of any kind, i just wanted honest, unbiased feedback and am happy that's what i got. I agree with Malpoet, if this kind of thing works for both author and critic, then maybe wol admin might include it as a forum and feature some time in the future. Cash allowing of course.
If a set-up like the blog section could be used with the comment box beneath, people wouldn't need to copy the content for reference because the work can be scrolled to view it and the possibility to provide anonymous posts would save Paul a lot of extra work but it would have to be monitored because the more unscrupulous might take advantage. I'm not sure if this could be successfully implemented.

Once again, i thank you all especially Paul for his kindness in going to the trouble of copying all the anonymous posts.
Anyone else want to own up? :-)