Richard Tyler

Biography

I started to have a go at writing poetry for the first time last summer, taking inspiration from my son. It's challenging but very enjoyable at the same time. It would be nice to hear any constructive feedback. Cheers Rick

Climate Change

Forget about Brexit and HS2 Climate change is the story that’s relevant to me and you Take a step back Globalisation and consumerism is taking all Time to stand tall, the masses to rise World leaders failing, well that’s no surprise Cheap shots at the poor whilst carbon footprints of the few soar Nice and secure Sat cosy and alone in the 4x4 How about shank’s pony for a trip or two Burn fuel, don’t care Just so happens that we share the same air It’s all on TV for folk to see Culling of the trees Seas and calories are rising The natural world struggling to eat To find a habitat to retreat The orangutan squaring up to man’s machine Never seen anything quite so obscene Water drains for the fast fashion chains Thousands of litres for your cheap throwaway T Equates to hundreds of days supping for me and thee Never mind the toxic chemicals making their way into the sea Ultimately landing on your table for tea Ignorance is bliss Order of the day for far too many Time to engage and have some debate Need to act quickly before it’s too late Do not be surprised when the masses have arrived Moved on by the worlds greed Not taking heed Do not deny the youth of today How selfish were you I hear them say Share the truth and facts A*s won’t lead anywhere on a planet stripped bare Let them create and innovate They’re already stepping up to the plate

North South Divide

Not sure where you draw the line But I know upon which side I shall always reside Not where Westminster rules and leans to one side For the most part a boring flat terrain Leaves little impression on the brain You say Baath and we say BATH Jellied Eels, now you’re having a laugh You say dinner and we say tea Always chip balms, mushy peas….. gravy, gravy all day long for me Social mobility, well and truly on its knees The movement of travel often this way Re-defining the line day by day Priced out of your own backyard That’s criminal, I hear you say Northerners more than happy to stay Unlike the brain drain of yesterday Do not fear it’s friendly up here Plus we serve no flat beer A place where folk like to stop and talk A helping hand on the way Rather than a look the other way Cross that line for majestic peaks Titles galore and lakes to adore A strong resistance to conform Trend setting is the norm Where innovation and creativity abound A certain swagger within our DNA The Mancunian Way Dialects to confuse, humour to amuse Grey slate skies, never a surprise Music makers, trophy collectors Don’t be put out It’s just the way we do it Re-inventing ourselves is the order of the day At the forefront of new beginnings Forever leading the way

Mad Hatters

The never ending A6 meanders through Splitting this historic town in two The origin of the River Mersey that passes by On its way to Liverpool Bay The great Fred Perry hails from here Love to take strolls down his Way The king of tennis in his heyday His label to wear on a nice summer’s day The Stockport Plaza An Art Deco building of such delight Looks fantastic when it’s lit up at night Home to our Blossoms that pack them in tight L.S. Lowry came to paint Joy Division recorded Unknown Pleasures from here Robinson’s still brew our beer Be warned drinking Old Tom will send you a tad queer John Amaechi picked up a basketball aged 17 This impressive man soon bounced his way to make it in the NBA Hopes Carr recalls a tragedy The fatal air disaster of 67 That sent far too many up to heaven Famous for hat making of yesteryear Working with mercury not a good idea We’ve got Air Raid Shelters to protect the many Viaduct arches that still stand tall A market place that’s fit to grace A pyramid that looks out of place Brinnington and Bridge Hall Somewhat of a contrast to Bramhall! The recent piece of history that resonates the most with me Are the Hatters beating Citeh

The Great Outdoors

Buds on the trees is the bees knees Winter sun, most definitely Come on my son, oh yes please First blasts of warmth taking away the edge Making the most of what comes our way Extremities warming, hip hip hooray The crunch underfoot on a crisp sunlit winter’s day Early starts, light nights, no coat required such a delight The smell of cut grass mixed in with rain A field full of wheat, sunflowers a treat Trees shaped by wind catch the eye Along with those self-seeded nestling up high Vapour lines momentarily adorn the skyline Conspicuous shapes hover in clouds above Everlasting coastal panorama soothes the soul Shimmering beauty and tranquillity Time stands still for a while Followed by immense crashing waves mile after mile Salty fresh air everywhere Industrial red brick cannot compare The beat of rounded pebbles shuffling up and down Majestic, eternal oceans Underestimate and they will take you away A timely reminder of how pint sized we are Nature the strongest by far

Anxiety

On high alert Motionless on the line Can't shake these blues away Hoping it’s not here to stay Mind won’t stop buzzing Active all the day Woulda shoulda coulda Fighting thoughts of despair Butterflies in belly not drifting in the air Tensing up all over Breathings everywhere Round and round in circles Blind panic in the air Master of avoidance You would never know I'm so down today Duck and dive to survive and keep the fear at bay Reaching out to others who understand and care Drained by it all No interest in me or you You say you are knackered You wanna live in my mind You do not have a clue Evolving over time More accepting of it all The pathways I have chosen defining who I am Anchored no longer like a dead weight Taking back control of my own fate Must keep on going Fighting all the way Improving day by day Self-doubt and fear slowly disappear No more holding onto moments gone Head space is arising as dark clouds fade away

The Things We Say

Mither is trouble Mint is ace Buzzin’ bangin’ and avin’ it large Bobbins when it’s shite Who stuck 50p in you? Put that look on your boat race Going for a burton is to fall flat on your arse The great northern powerhouse Nah that’s a fucking farce He’s my cock Nowt funny going on I promise I’ve always been straight He’s just me old china Yes that would be me mate Bang on Well that’s just right You’re tight as a gnat’s chuff When you won’t lend us a squid To cadge to borrow I’ll cough up tomorrow Do you wanna chuddy? Nah mate I’m starvin’ marvin Gagging for summat to eat Stop scrikin soft lad Peckin me ‘ead you are Swear down I’ll sort it It will all be sound as a pound Shank’s pony is to get about on two feet End of me tether grafting to make ends meet I’m goosed and can no longer be arsed Zero hours A modern day scandal of ours

S-J

The sun shines on the righteous so they say Often on your birthday this wondrous star beats down all day 51 this year……… no way I hear you say You can take at least a decade away Daughter, mother, partner and friend to so many Warm hearted and generous as can be Blackpool’s finest, slowly being drawn back to the sea Be warned though, get chatting and you may miss your tea Quick witted and a sound judge of character Can put you in your place with ease Has a penchant for a jacket or two But would never put herself before me and you An animal lover from the start Bestowed her heart to Suki, Archie, and now Hetty Bear to name a few Not bothered about travel overseas Happy to enjoy days here and misplace some keys Always time for others, loyal, loving and kind No wonder there are countless friends that form queues Imelda Marcos could not hoard as many shoes No longer a pint of Guinness in hand Nowadays loves a cappuccino, sherry and brews A nice little potter in somewhere like Stringers will do Unable to resist a card, an accessory or two Sharp eye for style and interior design Flair and elegance from this girl of mine Now always remember that the sun shines on the righteous And the dream of that mini may one day come true

Our Kid

He’s a good lad our kid One of the best around Sound as a pound for sure he is Challenging oneself along the way Looking out for others, leading the way Making a difference to so many Within community and further afield Has footie in his soul, just like me, now the Loons….always M.U.F.C. Mentor, educator and much, much, more Sees the bigger picture Not a closed door Loyal and veggie to the core Taking time out for you and me Making the effort How it should be Chasing currency not a priority Pay days loaded in acres of other ways Strong morals aplenty, respected by crowds Someone to look up to Make you feel proud Good for a laugh and a top, top brother He’s alright our kid, a very good lad indeed.

The Great British Isles

Back in the day We ruled over a worldwide empire Exporting our place names around the globe The best of which to remain at home In Old Blighty as it likes to be known Slack Bottom, Cock Heads and Greedy Gut They had to be in Yorkshire There’s Moor Cock in Lancashire Shitterton They do down in Dorset Sandy Balls if you live in the New Forrest What is it with our rear ends We’ve got them here, there and everywhere Welcome to The Devils Arse Happy Bottom Scratchy Bottom A Six Mile and Rotten Bottom Boggy Bottom Back Passage Loose and Galloping Bottom to name but a few From Bell End and Knob’s Crook To Cockfosters Thong Lane Randy Bell End Not to mention Brown Willy I know it’s juvenile and very silly But giggle away I do Cockshoot Close Fanny Hands Lane and Titty Hill Are all favourites of mine Beavis and Butt-head would be in their element here But probably best to leave it there In these weird and wonderful isles of ours

Sergeant Wilko

That girl who’s privileged to sit next to me Apparently descends from the town of Edgeley Spanning from Stockport to North Dakota, the USA Characters aplenty that know their way Where it’s obligatory to mooch with pasty in hand Bob in the Pineapple for a pint and a fight Keep the pan lids shtum with a sausage roll Check out Home Bargains where the prices are just right But maybe she’s a native of elsewhere Never been seen with can and fake tan Wasn’t a Nan at a tender young age Or mouthing off on Castle Street as if on stage Don’t you know she goes by the name of Sergeant Wilko Elephant steps give her away Ten to the dozen, likes to have her say Full of energy she brightens up our day Loves to plan nights out, a foreign trip or two Always on the go, a busy little bee Sourcing bargains to keep a happy family Fergie’s hairdryer has nowt on Wilko Cross her path and you’ll get Wilkos’s wrath Gin, wine, cocktails……whatever, a pint or two will do She’s Burger King-Queen by the end of the night Asleep on the last train with a coffee and straw Oh well, it’s better than ending up on the floor Ed-ger-ley, Ed-ger-ley, she’s the famous Sergeant Wilko and she comes from Ed-ger-ley 

Coffee Lovin' Commuters

Roasted and blended to suit your needs Those beans just a seed From cherries and berries Coffee trees rooted from afar The Middle East the birthplace of your cuppa Joe A detour to Starbucks & co For your coffee on the go Tax dodgers in every town To provide your morning glow Coffee loving junkies They’re consuming everywhere Habits to feed Craves to cure Be done with it Let it rip Hooked up to a drip Rocking up Cup in hand Transported like an accessory That turgid modern look For people on the go Why you even bother That I’ll never know So tell me what’s all the fuss? Room 101 this scene I mean what’s wrong with a proper bean Those packed with protein That get you tooting all the way To drink I’ll have a nice cuppa Yorkshire Tea That will do nicely for me

One man and his dog

Loves a puff he does Blowing out those tunes Addicted to the Sax Having dropped the ‘E’ Makes sense totally As the old sausage starts to go droopy Good with numbers Got commercial know how this fella Has made some decent dough A perfectionist I’ll have you know Solitary soul at times Climbing those peaks Dylan close by Wainwright an idol Number 214 will be the final Be warned if you visit for lunch Do not crunch celery In fact make any noisy sound Or else a filthy look will come around Grandad soon to be Will he be legendary? Perhaps running with the pram Towing bairn on a bike ride Hiking fells for fresh air Whatever it will be Be sure to keep him away from Citeh

Memories

Those were the days my friend Stood on the Stretford End United Road The Scoreboard Paddock too They’ve all been home to me Walking down the Warwick Road with my family The Bishops Blaise and Lou Macari’s chippy All etched in memory Hey hey my my Man United will never die Cut me in two There's no hint of blue United through and through Oh so fine Red white and black flows through these veins of mine Heartbreak in 79 When Alan Sunderland’s tap in crossed the line Would have won it as well in extra time Lacoste Fila and Sergio Tacchini Fred Perry the Stockport legend for me Listening on transistor radio Simple delights Picking up the Pink Final on Saturday nights No.7s sent from heaven Barca in 84 Relentless Robbo answering the roar Not even Maradona adroit enough to open our door In Rotterdam it was Hughsie at the double Sending us delirious Singing and dancing in the rain Ear-splitting atmospheres Bitter rivals down the M62 The Replay of 85 A bona fide half and half The Kippax split in two Lock outs Sell outs Jibbing it away Where are you from I heard that copper say Bragging rights Euro nights Street fights for some Red Army roar Concilio et Labore Blaggers and sellers Heydays and Derby days Following the boys from afar Reccies to find a decent bar Last minute winners Semis at Villa Park Floodlights and pyrotechnics light up the dark Did some City aways in teenage days Now the neighbours have won the lottery Cannot deny those mates of mine They followed home and away Many a comedy day Even lost twice to Stockport County along the way

Just Desserts

Something mum likes to do Is to bake cakes for me and you The renowned Mary Berry Could learn a thing or two Desserts to die for A constant supply landing at our door Keep it arriving I say The gannets can munch more Waist sizes now starting to soar Whatever it should be Baked to perfection The same exceptional quality Delish and so very moreish Mouth-watering texture Flavour to savour Grandkids now mastering the odd recipe Wonder what it will be today? We’ve had them all along the way Apple Pie with custard or ice cream Make the perfect dream team Scones with jam and cream A banana loaf maybe Victoria Sponge definitely Apple cake nice and moist Lemon Drizzle fires up taste buds Carrot and Dundee cakes Brownies for trips away Coffee and Rock cakes They all have their day The big guns reserved for special occasions Chocolate cake at Christmas Pavlova, simply the best Finest of all The crème de la crème One we all do battle over As a wheeler dealer at heart Equipped to sniff out an opportunity I could flog a ton load of these Soon I’d be minted Retired on the proceeds Living by the sea In a swish new property

Entitled Nation

Far and wide Entitlement An outlook chosen by some Pathetic nation we’ve fast become Lazy minds and feet Desiring all At one’s disposal Direct to door No value anymore Spoilt rotten to the core Go spare if taps run dry Strip shelves bare Can’t make do Ends meet Bleat at any opportunity Detached from reality Narcissistic Fractious society Not even at the wrong end of austerity Contrast the masses Swarms of fiscal casualties Manipulated Condemned Guided to the Gig Economy Wheels of industry that mustn’t slow Profits to grow Greed to feed Shareholders to please Markets to tease

Mirlees Fields

I hear the odd train passing Notice that planes are no longer the background noise The sound of birds flapping and chirping amplified Dominating the skyline once more Close eyes to listen to the rustling and swaying trees Such a cool sound indeed Butterflies bob and weave overhead Stillness unknown before Suddenly thoughts halted by the sirens that whiz by Can see a family flying a kite Father and son talk on a stroll Pram pushers, bike riders and tree climbers Kids with a ball Takes me back to a game of one touch with my mate Paul The clearest of blue skies Not a vapour trail to be seen Hornets, at least I think they are that hover close by People with time Chin-wagging away At a safe distance I hasten to say 'How you diddling' the introduction of choice Then 'lovely to see you guys' signals farewell Getting used to having no routine A time to pause, reflect and reconnect Be thankful for all we have What others do Hats off to them all for standing so tall Appreciating the important things that are here to stay Simplicity the way

Hanging Poo Bags Of Babylon

Hanging from branches and posts Not sure what disgusts us the most That glamorous granny we pass everyday Nods and smiles our way Pink Chanel tracksuit on display Walking her diamond collared pooch On a lovely summers day She must have a few quid stashed away Maybe they're a sign Like trainers dangling from a line We're sure she's committing a crime Dealing the latest gear Topping up her pension for her final year

Why?

You take all the green space Chop down the trees Bringing this glorious planet to its knees Feed us pollutants Corruption and lies For profit and greed Without thought or care Fills me with utter despair Non believers carry on Apathy and ignorance their number one As the heat ramps up Change is too slow But why? Not thought that great grandkids are going to fry and die Have to fight wars over water and food You’ll be gone pretty soon But what about those that follow? Carry on and they’ll be no tomorrow

It is what it is

It is what it is We are where we are Make of it Whatever you wish From what I can see It’s far from pretty “Another fine mess” As the big man would say Lacking credibility Ignorant of reality Leaving behind a hideous legacy Swooping lower than a snake’s belly Seen your slug like mush on the telly An utter disgrace Oh, how I’d love to wipe that smirk of your face Reactionary Not visionary No coherent plan for long term recovery Voices that ring hollow Adversity waits for those that follow Sitting on the fence Shame of blaming others Slope off when it suits Having filled your boots Not brave nor bold Instead you sold Our Crown Jewels down the swanny Left beholden to others Dancing to new tunes A laughing stock we are From near to afar

We're having a flutter

Having a flutter........ Gambling A mugs game so they say It’s everywhere Slap bang in yer face Tactics to lure What a disgrace Advertising on footy shirts Get in the minds of our youth We need to educate the truth Seen it all now Dafabet, Manbetx, Fun88 and Sportspea An industry gone totally crazy Meanwhile Over at Bet365 A 40 million dividend has arrived No longer just fruit machines, the gee-gees and spot the ball You can fill your boots online in no time at all Love the buzz of beating the bookie Winning or losing a few bob along the way However, an ugly scene it can be Gambling addiction a tragedy Lives spiralling out of control Shame and anguish take hold All consuming Caught in a trap No way to turn off the tap A mugs game so they say The devil for some Taking the light away

Urban Vandals

Going Going Gone Urban vandals On the rampage Relentlessly Carry on Tear it up Replace Remove that vile turf Something solid in its’ place Start all over again Don’t you know Life’s too busy to tend flowers, sweep leaves and mow Such a shame All looks the god damn same Not a dandelion or buttercup in view Makes me want to spew Fuck the birds and bees All they done for you Need to cram on another car Concrete growth gone too far Nowt left to soak up the rain Floods at it again Green is not the enemy It’s you

Taken away

You take all the green space Chop down the trees Bringing this glorious planet to its knees Feed us pollutants Corruption and lies For profit and greed Without thought or care Fills me with utter despair Non believers carry on Apathy and ignorance their number one As the heat ramps up Change is too slow But why? Not thought that great grandkids are going to fry and die Fight wars over water and food You’ll be gone pretty soon But what about those that follow? Carry on and they’ll be no tomorrow

What we gonna do

It’s our mess that got us here Our selfish greed Our endless need We're staring down the barrel Sleep walking What we gonna do to wake up I'm muddled You can You can’t Unsure Who cares Mask up Got a cough Stay off Fake news falsifies Pure lies Lock-ins No Lockdowns Yes Isolate Bubble up Strange days New hybrid ways Incessant haze Someone Somewhere A dream fades Generation lost Heaven knows At sixes and sevens Late nights Sluggish starts Closed doors Streaming A new virtual world Life by way of a screen Outside What a beautiful day Fresh Cold air Crisp and blue Jolts life into you Frees up the mind Awakened senses Led by a bumbling farce What we gonna do to wake up How we gonna make the change Or will it be this way forever

Brother Michael

Brother Michael He’s my brother Don’t you know His glass is full He can Can do Gullible too Not cynical like me Far from being pc Seize the day his way Extrovert Karaoke King Dances Strictly That paunch Proudly on show For all to see Can exaggerate At a fair rate Deserving Was Baz fate? It’s never too late Hiccups Flatulence Sends me out of control Family and friends Laughter Sees him through Along with a pint or two Loved by many The life and soul Gets on with all From Daubhill to Dubai Has travelled the globe The seven seas Gets down on knees When it’s time to please My oh my Nearly lost him in Chaing Mai Shite me Would have had to phone Little Mammy Ladyboy chase on Koh Samui Ginger nuts out at the ready Deliverance in the States Says yes with too much haste Walked the line for Northfield cops An 'aye up cocker' Saved the day Only Michael could do it this way Loyal Keeps in touch Regular catch ups Sunday mass Father Phillip Lads trips Curry clubs Pubs pubs and pubs Skriking a theme Lancashire folk know what I mean I tell ya He's done a bit that boy Behind the door He is no more Done time on Grinder Sniffed a line Scored goals In glory holes Our Michael He’s my brother Don’t you know Call him Little Jimmy Charles Autry And you’ll answer to me

Intrusive thoughts

Lying there in my bed Intrusive thoughts roaming my head Why I do not know Sometimes I just panic that I'm going to die Must be the dreaded anxiety rearing its' ugly head again I’m gonna die I’m gonna die How it happens I don’t know All I know Is that I’m gonna die Pandemic or just the flu Heart failure A tumour or two Apprehension ahead of trips Crashing in the snow Cigar tube explodes up high Gone in the blink of an eye An epithany Catastrophe Just imagine Being taken by the sea Boat sinks offshore Never again will I see Do you have the same thoughts too? For fucks sake I’m only fifty two!! Intrusive thoughts Won’t leave ones head No religion to keep them at bay Something nasty on its way When it happens I do not know Cos all I know Is that I’m gonna die

Cocaine Ken

Covid Ken Proudly sat In his sordid cocaine den Wearing nowt But his over the shoulder bolder holder Stroking His big fat Wait for it...... Belly Counting his stash Whilst watching daytime telly Twenty years a banker Forever a wanker If truth be known This Hairy Houdini Keeps breaking free Only he could flee from San Diego Zoo Doesn’t sound plausible I know Google it It’s true I’d never lie to you Masquerades as an IFA One that’s seen his day Dodgy dealing The lesser spotted I’d say Don’t be deceived by modest tones Soon to be trapped in the only web he knows Three plus one And boom Quick as a flash He’s gone Speeding away Happy to see out another day You are the Ken in broken Gravely in need of pastures new A disgrace to men Should start over again Go on Hand your notice in then

Passing Time

I am silent without the sun Must seize the day Place no trust in tomorrow Life is but a shadow The shadow of a bird on the wing Hours fly Flowers bloom and die New days New ways pass by Love stays Come along Grow old with me The best is yet to be Be as true to each other as the dial is to the sun For time wastes us Our bodies and our wits And we waste time So time and we are quits Amidst the flowers I tell the hours Let others tell of storms and showers

The voice of mighty Joe

HEEEEELO Alright love What do you know sister Come on Sonny Jim we’re burning daylight here I'm going down with me ship me love Like you do me duck Okay Okay Pay me Rebel scum Can’t get the staff Let it rip Heads up it’s a stinky one No offence Richard Say hello to Mr Lefty and Mr Righty I can feel it in my jellies Mr smart guy Okay Okay

Dave & Jase

They’re alright those two Some would say pretty ace Approaching the door Always a friendly face Goes a long way A smile A nod Bit of banter How’s your day? Eagle eyed Directing the flow Patrolling the space Duck and dive The inclusion team will give chase A proper pair Like no other Skinny jeans One with no hair Hope replacing despair Less reprimand More understand The dream team Sound as a pound stalwarts Unsung heroes Not ten a penny Like so many Cheers fellas See you tomorrow Wait a minute Come ‘Ed Mr Law Do us a favour Please Sort them out with a quid or two more

Josh-u-a

There’s this kid I know called Josh-u-a The kinkiest bugger I know by far Cross dressing is his thing Wearing nought but an Ann Summers bra Led a meteoric rise to F.D. That’s Finance Director to you and me Must have slept with our kid after going round for tea! Now time to be more complimentary A fine lad he’s turned out to be Bakes and cooks better than that gobshite Ramsay! Soon he’ll be doing a PHD Doctor Josh he will be Not bad for humble beginnings from SK3 Gone all Manc recently Swaggering round his new home ground Sussing out the next opportunity Reckon he’ll leave for the Bay of Biscay Hobnobbing and scoffing away in the Michelin stars Of course Wearing his favourite Ann Summers bras

Protest

Protest Protest Uprising everywhere Countries divided Global dissent Will not consent Anger Frustration Fills toxic air Anti austerity Racial inequality Economic injustice too much for so many Armed uprisings Civil wars Peaceful protests And much much more Lockdown riots Reclaim our streets Anti vaxers Yellow vests Insulate Britain Plus the rest Corruption exposed Hunger strike for one Thousands marching on Independence demanded Millions left stranded Mobilising Polarising Fact or fiction Social media An influential addiction

4:45AM

It’s 4:45 AM! Uncanny that Scratching Shut eye no more Same time again Just give me ten Discombobulated Open up the door Eyes like jam pies Beautiful morning skies Time for a brew Daydream some more Wake up to money honey A Podcast or two Be a nodding dog by twenty past two Attack the day I hear you say No ta I’ll just potter away In a more unstructured way A wealthy man has ample time Not to dine and fine wine To while away the day Chewing the fat along the way Observing the minutiae That wasps nest in a brick wall Buzzard roaming up high Nesting birds in a cracked chimney pot Self seeding trees up near the eaves The rustling of the trees It’s 4:45AM Here we go again

Jurgen

Jurgen Norbert Klopp Nobby knobster for short How I wish he’d been a flop Playing in front of an empty Kop Born in 67 They’ll say he dropped in from heaven Tall Imposing Tombstone teeth seen from outer space Gigs that fill half his face Couple of points shy in the title race Always in the fourth officials face Animal lover Emma the retriever Loyally awaits at his door Anti racist ambassador Tactile Enigmatic Slightly erratic In touch with his feminine side Not just the red half of Merseyside Hair transplant You would never know Left wing politics proudly on show Bollywood fan Chills watching a Curry Western with a can All in all seems a decent man Once lost cup finals for fun Now on a spiffing run Fear not ye faithful Erik is near Soon to fill us with cheer

Perfect Paul

Handforth’s finest On a par with Jackie Weaver Raised on the Kippax This boy once blew dry his hair Not now it’s disappeared into thin air! Prefer to know him as Ged Following City home and away Just can’t be right in the head A student of Gnasher’s Not Denis and co I’ll have you know Pearly Whites Chompers Grinders Do not fear Cheshire Chrome is near Unlike Jackie He’s got the authority New Clickers for nana Goofies soon gone New Hampstead Heath Away with those bad British teeth Master of his trade A technician Lovingly hand made Served his apprentice Got his quals Shame I can’t get an appointment He’s buggered off on his hols

Grafterts

Tickets Tees Buy or sell Legit or Jekyll and Hyde Can you tell? Touting for trade Living day to day Some just boosting their pay Masters of making hay whilst sun shines Sniffing out the next opportunity An unconventional tight knit community Shady dealings Reminiscent of the odd MP! Spivs at work Designer gear Haggling Blagging away Chancers Wide boys Always finding a way Day trippers Tourists Such a delight Prey to plunder Day and night Inflationary measures to see us right Grafters Just another cog in the wheel In the almighty free market economy

Shades of green

Fields of dreams at Mirlees Buzzards breeding Ancient oak trees Unknown pleasures for the whole community What an open space Not a brick on view Puts a smile on your face Suburban tranquility Insects, wild flowers and bees fill this place Calming Natures medicine opens up some headspace The suits at VW plan to take it away Fresh from their emissions scandal of yesterday Build deluxe homes Affordable You’re having a laugh No way Bring it to its knees Might not be here to stay Left with the Fred Perry Way Why not gift and save the biodiversity A gesture of goodwill Leave behind a legacy Before you disappear back to Germany Be warned Disturbed The mystical Green Man lurks within the swaying wild meadow His curse on standby Ready to unleash havoc, pain and suffering on an industrial scale To those who fail this land

North Star State

The land of 10,000 lakes Plus one or two more Eerie calls from the State bird The Common Loon wants to be heard Dylan from Duluth Singing Walls of Red Wing and Tangled Up in Blue Prince hails from here too Purple Rain Diamonds and Pearls Twin Cities Minneapolis and St Paul Judy Garland from Grand Rapids A child star that fell so far That famous accent in Fargo Too good be true The long o’s Oh yah You betcha Dontchaknows Downtown sky walking Zig zagging block to block The Mall of America Let’s shop til we drop Go see the Vikings Timberwolves best in the west Or Twins Loons led by Inchy And Minnesota Wild Rarely the best But love to compete with the rest From Lake Itasca A trickle Merely a gentle flow To begin the mighty Mississippi A journey all way to the Gulf of Mexico That I did not know Remembering George Floyd How could we forget Yet another shameful day Police brutality that’s not gone away Carried out by racist DNA Jesse James came and had a go Feared outlaw across the Midwest Northfield Defiant Put on a brave show Cries of get your guns boys they’re robbing the bank Townsfolk defeated James and co Sent him packing On his way Now celebrated in a joyous annual day

Metaverse

Heard of this Metaverse one day last year Thought to myself Come on You’re avin’ me on Somewhere Somehow Some smart arse twat actually coined that phrase Thought it sounded ace In truth belongs to an author back in 82 Hijacked in a Silicon Valley boardroom for the likes of me and you Modern day disease A scourge Bots at home and overseas infiltrate your news feed Or is it just you? Gone viral in the blink of an eye Pinballed across the sky Keyboard warriors take aim and fire Tap tap tapping away So pleased it wasn’t around in my day Spineless bullies take sanctuary within four walls So easy to spread fear Fake news Fake fake news mate Breeding ground for hate Meddle meddle Peddle lies Just a click to divide Destabilise Nigh on impossible to criminalise Can’t believe some folk believe But believe so many do How can that be? Astonishes me That headline must be true Scanned it whilst making a brew Must question Ask who why what where and when Check facts Discuss over a pint or ten

My Old Man

My old man He’s dead clever you know As a kid I bestowed upon him the title B.B.B Big Brain Brian he will always be School ran out of maths books at age seven Went to Cambridge and did this thing called a PhD Academia It never rubbed off on me Just chuffed to pass my C.S.E Must be the black sheep of our family Well Oxford did come calling No no no Not the university The university of life taught all I need to know Went to see Fergie’s Red Army The Littlewoods Cup 5th Round The Manor Ground Had a right nightmare homeward bound Likes to be right Exact Spot on The scientist at work Research Data Organise and plan UMIST lectures Fungi foraging Simply Books Devours them for fun Competitive Not half Even Tiddlywinks Won’t let the grandkids have a head start Member of all these societies The Manchester Lit and Phil the oldest Goes way back to 1781 Walked the Pennine Way Stayed all over the UK Squash Run Canoe Climbing peaks Powered by coffee flowing through veins Aided by a gin or two Home brew Asparagus Brandy butter Smelly cheese Climate change will bring us to our knees David Attenborough wrote back to say he agrees Loves his iPad and PC A bit of a lefty Just more considered than swampy Softy at heart His office a sanctuary Spends hours up there Guardian loyalist Gadgets galore More at his disposal than 007 Rohan fanatic Pockets a plenty Drives a Volkswagen faster than a Bentley Inherited love of sport from a colossus Great Great Uncle Fred Late 1800s Stood towering above Man mountain of his era Six foot eight tall Eyes are blue Big Fred Tyler is coming for you Captain of Northants County Cricket, Rugby and Hockey The list goes on and on President of this that and the other Golf Bowls Fishing Basketball was missing back then Hoops would have come so easy Dunking all day long

You better believe it

Got a thousand things I wanna say to you Clueless muppet who lacks any class Complete tit Self-absorbed fuckwit Utter tool Toss pot and fool A bell end buffoon all the way No mark nobby day by day Wanker extraordinaire A total disgrace to our human race Arrogant twat Dirty little rat Smarmy fucker Son of a bitch like no other Rancid face that even your mother cannae luvva Top notch turd features on show for all to see Arse licking turncoat Privileged as can be What an obnoxious lying idiot you turned out to be A freak of nature indeed Wearing your shite tweed No credibility Ignorant of reality No legacy at all Never standing tall Swooping lower than a snakes belly Seen your slug like mush on the telly Tell me Tell me Just tell me you fool How does it feel to be such a cock 24/7 around the clock

Mates

Started down the park Messing Having tons of fun Then school, work and play Online for young uns nowadays Some stay the course Pals forever and ever Thick as thieves all the way Band of brothers like no others Wise cracking Others fade away like a melting glacier of today Some more casual More like acquaintances I’d say Passing through a revolving door Do a good turn at the drop of a hat Regardless of when we last had a chat I’ll forever be grateful for that There in the hour of need Your back covered indeed Seen you grow into the mighty fine human you are today Raised a family Getting older Balder and more grey A paunch that’s here to stay Career path that’s bobbed and weaved Had your ups and downs In you I’ve always believed A note of caution to those out there Plain sailing indefinitely it cannot be Things ain’t always what they seem you see Bolt of lightening Completely out of the blue Surely Cannot be true Piercing dagger to the heart Didn’t have a clue You just never know Trust has such a fine line Head spinning Floored Betrayed To fix this matter Build a bonfire I wouldn't piss on you if on fire Left with no choice But to execute Order 66

Mr Shaw

He’s fat He’s round He's worth a million pounds Plus he bounces on the ground Mr Shaw Mr Shaw He’s left He’s gone To weeble wobble on We’ll just have to carry on Without Mr Shaw Without Mr Shaw He’s been here He’s been there He’s been every friggin where From Katmandu To Timbuktu Don’t you know He’s better than me and you Mr Shaw Mr Shaw Urine Eau De Feline The scent drifts far and wide No place to god damn hide From Mr Shaw From Mr Shaw Happy munching in the car Such a humble superstar No fancy eatery Even at the expense Of dishy Rishi For Mr Shaw For Mr Shaw Standing five foot tall Only gone and done it all He wears a chufty badge Didn’t you know Didn’t you know Now stroking pussy Sat on ones knee Supping a nice cuppa tea That will do nicely For Mr Shaw For Mr Shaw Quick dip in the pool Now who’s the fool He’ll never be poor Of that i’m sure He’ll always be Mr Shaw

Sweet and Sour

Sharwood’s Sweet and Sour Sauce Consumed by the hour Powers you up It’s golden this stuff Nectar Love it we do Can’t get enough Some jars have pineapple and other silly bits Left for the half wits and weirdos that stalk the aisles My wife thinks I’ve gone stir fry crazy Gone bonkers Lost the plot you have Where on earth are you going to put that lot? Like one of those hoarders on daytime telly For whatever reason it gives me a buzz Puts fire in my belly Do not fret my love Can go above Joe’s bed Under the stairs Within wardrobes Anywhere in fact will do Can I just say it was bargain of the day Spotted it on my Trolley App This woman in the queue said wow 22 Yes I don’t mess around when a deal is found They were a right steal Had to be done Bumpy road ahead The pound is shrinking Currency sliding Losing ground Economy standing still Shrinkflation across this once great nation Prices spiralling out of control We had a natter about the cost of living Shared some tips on what to do Agreed we’re fortunate in lots of ways Parted Have a nice day Now time to start looking for places to stash this stuff away

Kamikaze Kwasi

Kamikaze Kwasi Party politics Raegonomics Deluded economics from a bygone era Rising inflation A terrified nation Truss & Co incubated for this day To deliver their ideological say Hellbent on further inequality Trickle down Doesn’t work you clown President Joe told you so The paradox being droughts on the rise Where nowt trickles down since the source has run dry Eight individuals hold the wealth of fifty per cent Yes fifty per cent Not 50 Cent you muppet Crazy stat is that Red Wall open your eyes In Liz we do not Trusst

Autumn

Mild then cold Emerald green turns to crimson and gold Six for a secret never to be told Bouncing raindrop bombs Swirling leaves falling from trees Soggy then crisp underfoot Whistling wind Cool bright days Cannot believe it’s just been 38 degrees Dead heading The final mow Warm glow Rosy cheeks Pumpkin carving Morning condo Breath seen in fresh air like a school kid vaper Shorter days Cosy nights Cries of geese flying south Swifts and Swallows follow Floodlit football Shots in arms Farmers harvest crops Prices up Heating down Clocks turn back Forwards we gaze

Vinted

Downloaded this App called Vinted Bish Bash Bong The Three Stripes man is now minted Best thing since sliced bread Can’t get the damn thing out of me head Favourite my gear New or old Soon to be sold Blimey it’s ace Blows Marketplace out the ballpark up into space 200 reviews 5 Star rated No postage fees Just deliveries from Hermes The Treasury haven’t a clue Must be blind Their ad is on primetime TV Mind you Heads are up their arses It’s a right old Eton farce Chancellor’s office has a revolving door Kwasi Alfred Kwarteng doesn’t give a toss about the poor Believe me Every penny goes back into the economy Unlike the Square Mile Offshore accounts Strutting around with a wry old smile that lot Sat high up on perches in Canary Wharf Bonuses that dwarf your yearly salary Their work not all it’s cracked up to be Soulless Hollow Compared to those that serve Still A bitter pill to swallow

Zombie

Zombie at the lectern Performing yet another u-turn One more tough decision Just a pity they’re not right Another nail in the coffin Puts her vision out of sight Spitting Image writers licking lips with delight Dear friend Kwasi is no more Insisted he was going nowhere Now exited through that revolving door Trussenomics on the floor She can answer just the four Repeat responses Responses repeat It won’t be long This P.M. is dead meat

Matty P

Matty P Likes to be known as the Boro boy does he But it’s all a sham you see Secretly a part of the Toon Army All these years kept hidden from his family Working undercover for the Saudi’s Sportswashing Spreading lies All in return for a balti pie, newcy brown and a seat up high Cannae wait for the first trophy Told him it’s gonna happen within ano cinco However it’s never too late To go on the straight and narrow Leave that filth behind Exile to become an adopted son of the Republic of Mancunia After all On the sixth day God created Manchester not Newcastle For the likes of me and you Bee happy Come on Matty P Rid your soul of that Geordie inside thee

Woodsmoor Wanderers

Come hither thee Detectorists we shall be The Woodsmoor Wanderers Heads down Coils to the soil Digging in the West Country Afraid not Not about the Archeology Roaming farmers fields What will this land yield Unearthing hidden treasures Silver Nuggets of gold Secrets that were never told

WTF

Double digit inflation Rents rising with spy balloons An ever divided nation We’re flat lining Best start mining the moon Led by wolves Feeding off scraps to make ends meet Ditch the hormone injected meat WTF We got Tik Tok Detectives Toxic Influencers going viral Kardashian’s and Andrew Tate Now what’s not to hate? Scammers and co Rolling around in ill gotten dough Knob heads out with placards again Conspiracy Theorists in my town Count to ten son I hear you say Bunch of feckless clowns How’s about I mow you down? Post Mortem’s a sham No guts No heart No brain Soulless No shame You are what you are Wasted talentless empty shell Welcome to your bum education A gift from Tory scum Self serving Etonian twats Pity you ain’t t got no dignity Bring back the death penalty Consign all these mother fuckers to history

Funny Business

Funny business Dodgy deals Freeby meals Back handers and lies Fingers in pies Bungs Blurred lines Pockets lined Brown envelopes if you know what I mean Swooping lower than a snakes belly Bent as a nine bob note Sixth sense Gut feeling Palms greased Existence with no meaning Corporate greed What a surprise! VWs adorn the drive Blatant No attempt to disguise Persevere to prevail Fight the power Plenty of wind left in our sail

D’ya Wanna Brew

Shame on you Never even muttered those golden words D’ya wanna brew? Your old mucker locked out in the pissing rain Have you ever been rejected? Felt pain that eats up your mother fuckin brain Clients come and go Only need em to pay the leccy don’t you so Who knows bro I might not be here tomorrow Systems Establishments Corporate bollocks and greed They’ll carry on Long after I’m gone Thrown in a coffin on a journey to become dust Rise like a Phoenix I must Door ajar Welcome and a brew never too far

My Paper Says

Woke headlines What’s the meaning? You know It’s woke To the right leanings Bastion of no hope Flag waving little England Glory Empire ways Like the United Nations these days Give us this day our daily woke Lazy views Non news Whitey’s lap it up Carry on woking No awakening Just woking Meanwhile I’m choking Dying laughing Nitrous Oxide in print This daily rag ain’t mint

Office Games

Devised a new game To be played every Friday at four Designed for office space like yours It’s called Under The Desk Amnesty To not play would be a travesty The joy of health and safety A spring clean for one and all Come on Paul and co Please give it a go Who knows what will be found down there A product for one’s hair? That lost Teddy Bear Hopefully not a used Adrian Heath Be sure to let on if you come across our Andy’s false teeth

Ye Old Fart

Why do some old folk lose their way? Manners all astray Gone full circle No need to be impatient You’ve got all day Old rage Last page Cantankerous Akin to the vilainised youth of today What a to do Mithering about the minuscule Maybe it’s just their way Frustration seeing out final days Funeral invites a good day out Nowt decent to trumpet about Gone are the hip hip hoorays Va-va-voom gone astray Permission to shoot if I go this way

Faith

I’m agnostic If you know what I mean Not sure why Perhaps seeing the world in simple terms Faith has just passed me by An objective truth Believer in no greater force than you or I Will I regret when about to die? The Grim Reaper with a final goodbye Visited many places of worship in my time Structures of such class Stood marvelling at the carvings and stained glass Preferring to touch stone Than delve into the unknown If I had to choose I’d hop on the Pagan bus A focus on nature Not too much fuss

Economic Inactivity

Desperately seeking Economic inactivity Join the millions watching daytime TV Decking with a sea view Endless panorama Beautiful Anglesey would do Sit on one’s posterior Listen to the wireless with a brew or two Sherry, Gin and the finest IPAs No need to make hay Free to potter Chin wag away Clouds lifting Trundle coastal paths That shimmering sea Stone skimming Chip butties for tea Bare necessities Cargo ships light up night sky High high tide Full moon rising Afternoon kips Day trips Windswept hair Sand dunes and fresh salty air Not a care in the world

Weather Obsessed Brits

Weather obsessed Brits All this talk of weather doesn’t half get on my tits Dull as dishwater over here to be fair Amateur meteorologists everywhere The legend Michael Fish’s prophecy Disgraced Fred and his weather map Hopping around Albert Dock Had one thing on his mind That was his cock Elsewhere A tad more severe Reports brought to you by Ray Ban and Amy Freeze Weather to bring you to your knees Ice fog Firestorms Bomb Cyclones Dust Storms Blood rain Heat Domes Giant hailstones Meanwhile back in the UK It’s another dreary grey day Rain again rain Again rain

Leaders

Ever had a good un’? If so please let me know Rarer than a day of snow In fact as rare as hen’s teeth Soon to be extinct along with the Dodo Why you bothered I just don’t know Was it the status Maybe the dough Got money on your mind and your mind on the money To be fair one or two have been alright Vastly outnumbered by those that were shite It’s a tough gig Ain’t about you Go on I’ll give you a clue Meant to put others first Not self serving You’re undeserving Another square peg in a round hole One more mess you didn’t resolve Should have our back Show some understanding Empathy and solidarity Gone are the days of the Captain saluting on the submerging ship Leadership Only for an exceptional few

Burn Baby Burn

50 degrees and rising Well it ain’t too surprising Droughts Leaping forest fires Climate deniers Familiar scenes Heat Domes Burnt out homes Crops fail Grain held up in Ukraine Water wars Worlds poor suffer more Migration soars Deserts growing We know where it’s going Silence is easy It just becomes you No point just knowing All civilisations have to end Ever closer It’s coming my friend Level 1 thinkers wearing blinkers carry on GB News their number one Self serving believers Spawning fodder to fry Thinking only of I Rads on in July! Air Con blowing Windows ajar A step too far Ignorance is bliss It just becomes you It’s okay I can afford to pay Point scoring Very boring Short termism order of the day Mankind the greatest being Absolutely not No way Trapped itself in a web Tied up in knots Havenots headlocked Dissent Dissent Do not consent Growth profit and greed Loads of money the ultimate honey No seed for immunity Kids won’t afford impunity If you don’t calm down you will burn yourself out like a forest fire There is no hell Just dust and a flame that has your name Sending cars into space Not cool when losing the climate race Burn baby burn I swear you will burn What will it take for heads to turn

England Is Broken

Yes my friend it’s over Not just an observation My mind has been made up England is broken Open your eyes mate It’s a sad sorry old state Once a proud nation Stagnation order of the day Ran by overseas PLC Shadow of its’ former self Decaying national health Join the orderly queue Enclaves of privilege Extreme wealth for the few Spew crap into our waterways Living out days in the land of the blind Zoom in Zoom out Nowt to write home about Lost opportunities Goalposts shifted Shafted by ideology Infrastructure on its knees Clinging onto our humour and irony Around we go in circles for eternity England why do you abandon me Still waiting for the twenty past three Sick narrative being retold Hoodwinked Lies sold Overload of discontent It won’t relent Micro change the way Effect what you can We’ll have our say Small wins some days Unleash willpower within Wisdom and effort we begin England my heart bleeds

Thank You

Thank you Thank you my dear For having a nut job like me Can’t be easy Ta very much No one else would do it you see Thank you my dear Hanging out over the years For understanding Riding out the twists and turns Not overly demanding Standing by Keeping out an eye for others A tremendous mother you turned out to be Thank you my dear For lending an ear Looking my way Remaining near Sincere The essence of cheer Being the opposite to me Not too fancy Fits like a glove We’re complementary Thank you my dear Ta muchly For taking the title of Mrs T Our homely home Tyler Towers it has become known Tasty teas Your nobly knees Kind heart Protecting trees Dealing with all the idiosyncrasies Thank you my dear For your heart of gold Love grows as we're getting old Our best days lie ahead A match made in heaven Maybe so Looking that way the longer we go

In for a pound

Stop the messing around You’re in for a penny Now get in for a pound Head out the clouds An ear close to the ground It can be done It must be done Get the job done my son In gear Fast track No turning back Blah blah blah Why bother I mean What’s the meaning It’s a crackpot world Crazy existence Happy day dreaming Standing still Leave it be Makes no sense to me Need the steady eddies Can’t all be roaring Foot to the floor and soaring Just don’t drag to a line when I’m perfectly fine

Numan

The ads are bloody everywhere Cringeworthy to be fair How I despair Putting new life into the old man In aid of peckers going nowhere Not standing to attention The one eyed monster has had its day Gone has the hip hip hooray Your rooster will not fight another day What’s up? Won’t weenie work Manhood balloon Take you to the moon and back Lay dormant Erectile dysfunction Hardware malfunction Up the junction A sausage with no sizzle A joyless joystick Floppy disk left dangling Semi redundant dick Maybe it’s time to give it a rest Before you become a known sex pest For Gods sake Settle down in your vest After all you’re 88 There is a time when it’s too late Find a hobby Leave nobby well alone You’ve ailments for moaning and groaning Be an old man Say no to Numan

Local Boy

Think you’re the local boy done good Massively misunderstood Didn’t even know who you were Never mind a fucking Sir A complete unknown to me Gonna reside back home and pay some tax? Think you’re welcome at our door Jaw dropping Pick me up off the floor What’s the crack? Ain’t the lad from Failsworth got the net worth We bleed red white and black Full sale only is where we’re at Moston Rats have left their flats Infected with anthrax Out looking for you Right bunch of nasty twats A deal with zero appeal Gonna make a meal out of you Think you can use the greatest name Yes the greatest name in the English game What for? Personal gain? Like fuck you can Anyway thought you were a Chelsea fan Time to think again Jim boy Just signed up for a life of endless pain Pardon me But I didn’t get into bed with the garden gnomes Sell my soul About to enter a huge hell hole Will need to flog your super yacht Should have assumed full control And bought the fucking lot

DIY Dyslexic

DIY Dyslexic Yes that’s what I am It’s no laughing matter A syndrome within our home For what it’s worth Gifted two left hands at birth Can’t be the only fella on planet earth Cock ups everywhere Blind panic in the air Project planning makes me queasy Tommy Walsh and co make it look so damn easy But I’ve no manual dexterity A brain that’s gone astray As useful as a chocolate chisel I once heard you say Can rip it out Well that’s about it Power tools they freak me out Another sticking plaster Another DIY disaster What a mess Sending out another DIY SOS Double Dutch instructions Makes no sense to me Good job I know a man who can I’ll stick to making tea

Bonfire Night

Do I not like that You’re dead right How friggin shite Our poor Hetty full of fright Pyrotechnic palava Sky lava Rather not Single shot shooters Gets right up our hooters Jumping Jack’s We’re under attack Firecrackers You’re crackers Cherry Bombs Penis extension for knobhead Tom Happy days No way Happiness is not a cigar called Hamlet It’s a rocket shoved up your arse sideways Barrage to senses Classic FM defences Can’t be doing with this lot Bring on another gunpowder plot

Mysterious Ways

My body works in mysterious ways Only have a No. 2 every three days The hip goes snap crackle pop No longer can I hop Ears and nose grows Fingers start going white after bonfire night More paunch Less raunch Can play join the dots with these moles I’ve got Mind is doing unpaid overtime Dreaming of a good nights sleep is a waste of time Can’t stop thinking Ears ringing Sure I’m shrinking Hair grows In impossible places Struggling to tie laces Need a magnifying glass to tell the time Don’t mention the underpass Stooping not swooping like back in the day Man boobs here to stay A proper lurchio All dressed up with nowhere to go Get up and go permanently delayed for tomorrow

Identity

Identify yourself Not by your bits you twit What fits from the enclosed list Genitals don’t always match gender you see Walk like a woman Talk like a man Daily Mailers gone hysterical Making waves Turning in graves Gone are the days of the typical boy or girl Like my old pal Reg once said You can’t label a fella by his meat and two veg Can prefer not to say Choose other Or self prescribe when you see fit one day Believe me I’m not taking the piss Just struggling to get the old noggin around all this From the gender advent calendar Agender Bigender Third gender Transgender Blimey O’Riley Feel like going on a bender Gender Fluid Fluid as the blood flowing through veins Gone are your growing pains Non binary Pangender Pronouns galore Wowzer Pick me up off the floor Confused somewhat more

White Bear Lake

We’ll be safe in White Bear Thank goodness No one will know the Major No fanfare Nor a single stare Totally anonymous No fuss No hey there in White Bear Could skinny dip in the lake without a care Dye hair Pull a moony That’s why we’re off to White Bear

Gary

Never met a pigeon quite like him Flew our way and decided to stay Brought his wife Coochie As pigeons mate for life They got all smoochie on the patio Potters around our ground Lord of our manor Peck peck pecking all day Got plenty to say Perhaps you recognised me Pigeons are dead clever you see Probably it was the berries on the Holly tree Plump and proud Rapid up high in the sky Why would you eat pigeon pie? Bob bob bobbing head Looks like it’s hanging from a thread Me and Gary are besties Sound as a pound he is We like chewing the fat Talking about this and that Whiling away the day Even comes with us on holiday From a famous family is he Grandad was a war veteran Pigeon post by G.I. Joe Never be mean to Gary and co Much maligned Misunderstood Sociable Lovey and clean Friendly with a beautiful sheen Gary we love you so

FC

The quality nowadays is there for all to see But the soul has faded Little originality The gulf in riches mirroring society Now it’s about the freedom of watching FC Playing the likes of Alty Saturdays at 3pm A sense of community and camaraderie Thousands of hours worked voluntarily Fan ownership leading the way Making friends not millionaires Come and see This gig belongs to you and me Two United’s but the soul is one As the Busby Babes carry on

Can You Just

Can you just Give it a rest Stop your whining The undermining Count to ten Focus on being zen Not got time for this pantomime Can you just Be less self focused Keep it within if you must Be more introspective See the bigger picture Don’t give two hoots about your trivial pursuits Can you just Use your noggin Do what it says on the tin Press pause Open your mind Go on give it a go You just never know Can you just Get off your high horse Pipe down Stop being a first class clown Put a sock in it Go and take a running jump Not bothered if you get the hump Can you just One way or another sort that small thing Pick up the phone and give them a ring Lift your head up and you will see It’s not all about me Can you just Do yourself a favour Do someone else a favour Sort the attitude Less of the platitudes please Be a tad more positive Not be such a bore I want to glaze over no more Can you just Crack us a smile it’s a been a while Stop feeding your face Retreat from the rat race Take a back seat Eat less meat Get some insight You ain’t always right

Charlie Says

Charlie says Don’t come too near Oh my days it’s s like the United Nations round here A right old pick n mix This problem we need to fix Charlie says What happened to the golden days The glory empire ways How I long for my land Quintessential England Charlie says I’m not racist You see them people are not like me Just prefer white All these different colours give me a fright Charlie says Disappear back home with your funny ways You don’t belong here Hells bells Take your foreign food and smelly smells Charlie says Stop immigration Secure the borders Restore law and order Charlie says Not changing my ways Don’t trust you lot What is ours is ours Not yours to share Off you trot to anywhere

I Wish

If I could send you anywhere It would be on a slow boat to North Korea Perhaps a trip to the Gaza Strip With your backward views Non news You and Kim Jong Un wouldn’t half get on Watch K-pop and you’ll get the chop Sentenced to hard labour No one to do you a favour With its’ three generations rule How very cruel Food rations galore Super size no more Insects for protein if you know what I mean No internet to eyeball Forever power cuts State approved haircuts All sounds nuts but it’s true I wish I wish I could strap you to a ballistic missile Say ta ra Flying far far away over the Yellow Sea Then set the brainwashed free I wish I wish I had super powers Could stop wars Play Star Wars for real Put the planet on pause Wildlife before humanity I wish I could time travel Unravel a mystery or two Chill with the dinosaurs Protect trees Freeze fire I wish I believed in miracles I wish I wish I wish

Times Up

Hey you Over there Yes you Time to have a little chat You dirty little rat Shush your fucking trap Always been full of crap I’ll do the talking if you know what I mean Soon to be a has been Abandon all hope ye No imagining Not a bad dream The day of reckoning is beckoning Right here Right now Let’s get it on The damage done Cannot run Stop the sobbing Been robbing an existence No dress rehearsal Blue Monday has arrived Going off grid to get rid Make no mistake It’s too late Fate decides destiny Through the iron gates No eyes or ears round here Snipers alley awaits Finger on the trigger Pump action adrenaline Pay for every sin I’ll inform your next of kin This is the way The time is nigh Surrender your soul You’ve had your day Undertaker is on the way

Protect Mirlees Fields

Cometh the hour Cometh the women And man D day has come Folk said it’s pie in the sky On a hiding to nothing But why? Cannot deny unity Integrity and self belief Gotta be in it to win it Let battle commence Toe to toe Unperturbed by threats of an impenetrable fence Comrades standing tall Warriors ‘n all Been shaking up the 8 ball Praying it goes our way No stone left unturned No fingers burned Question Challenge Lobby No time for a hobby Never give in We shall win Brains not braun Pour scorn on you and yours Fight from dusk till dawn Regroup Rally troops Jump through hoops No need to wallow Just follow your nose Triumph awaits those who suppose Yes we can Human spirit sticking it to the man This group never hid Dished out a bloody nose so they did

Manifesto

Are you ready Come on Here we go Ready to unleash my manifesto Got ideas pouring out of my ears Excited as watching United Power will go right to my head Definitely worth getting out of bed Say hello to a carbon tax on your travels Flights and 4 X4s will be cheap no more Pay for the damage done They’ll be nowhere to run Pledges and promises will not be broken New build carbon zero homes are an obligation First past the post will be gone Stick it in my room 101 Along with HS2 and a few of you Lead the way in some industries Gonna plant trees trees and more fucking trees You’ll have trees growing out of your hairy arse Will put a stop to this farce No standing charges on your gas and leccy Gets pricey the more you use About time the less off did not lose Like it or lump it The jesters have gone I’m in charge as we carry on Your de facto number one Basic income is coming in No grubby hands on our green space All the imbeciles displaced Product testing on humans only Extra support for the lonely Homes for everyone Community at the heart of it all End of the Lords and Whitehall The stocks and pillory are making a come back Dishonour and shame the name of the game Put down fake grass and the boys be round to kick some ass Teach kids what they want and need to know Allow them grow at a steady pace Slow down the human race Private schools will be a thing of the past As well as wearing you’re pants at half mast

Straight Off The Street

These young uns keep saying to me No need to put a lid on it Vibe check this Gee whizz The old man has Rizz One of us he is Deffo no longer a grey haired old fart Part of the fam is he The CEO Slaps No cap Decided to glow-up Now dripping in drip Lit Don’t be salty Just be more me Zoomer not boomer on my CV Out of pocket Not mid High-key Boujee Sip tea If you’re Gen Z what were we Bare minimum Monday’s Dank as the day is long That’s me

Just The Once

Wanna see you just the once Pay homage That would do for me See if it’s all you’re cracked up to be Once in my lifetime I’m not greedy you see Easily pleased That’s me See you once The real deal One and only Before you take one last breath Say goodbye Disperse into atoms That’s hard to fathom See you once In decent enough nick Not Madame Tussaud’s Flesh and bones Fresh as a daisy Heard and seen in full glory With all the moving parts Beating heart n’all Compelled to make this happen Before it’s too late Reproduced Superseded Reduced to an Avatar playing guitar A hollow hologram Soulless star Hanging onto the coattails of the dead Just don’t sit right in my head That I do no like Doesn’t tickle my fancy one bit Not one iota at all

Farage

Barrage of bullshit An offence to my senses Dick from down south Foul mouthed opportunist Neofascist Absolute tit Still at it Self absorbed fuckwit Fag and a pint One of the lads my arse Got to be joking Stockbroking Private schooling Who are you fooling The face of GB News A face we’d love to lose Spews shite day and night Pals with Trump on the right With good fortune a dose of herpes will come calling Infest thee In the nether regions preferably

In My World

In my world I had my way Every day would be April fools day Jumping out of bed with a way hay Codding you on Spring a surprise Pull wool over eyes Wind up Mind is working overtime Once a year ain’t enough Have to get it off my chest Pulling legs Immature yes But all in good jest Don’t take it personally A form of therapy for the peculiar like me No one escapes Before you point a finger Might be an undiagnosed disability Possibly a strand of ADHD Cannot suppress the urge Purge this scourge I shall not Born with this innate ability Call it a skill A personal quality Whatever you will Gets me in trouble at the double May as well use it Don’t want to lose it Carry on regardless will I

Pursuit of the unattainable

Restless souls keep striving Carry on Aiming for top of the tree Summit seen Keep learning Keep on keeping on But it’s just an illusion Null and void at the end of the day No such thing as perfection anyway Unless you’re me Perfection came early So easily Always something knew That’s the beauty right there for you Never ending journey Sometimes you’re ahead Sometimes you’re behind The race is long In the end it’s only with yourself Too long in the tooth to try something else Here’s to good health

Budget Box

Yearly charade Number crunching all day long What could go wrong What’s so hard Week after week Mother of all spreadsheets Looking for headroom Long term growth We’ll wait and see Doubt it with your strategy Truth be told Not a pot to piss in Just a huge black hole Watch out fiscal drag about Give aways for the big day Headlines to wet the appetite Robbing Peter to pay Paul Go on One more I owe you Only three trillion in debt What’s a few quid more Chancellor Send it to my front door Could do with it soon Not all born with a silver spoon Come on Jeremy Hunt Don’t be a……..

Know It All

Aren’t you just a know it all Done it bleedin’ all Been here Been there Have you heard Done this Done that Always want the last word Well I never Shall I tip my hat So well-rounded I’m dumbfounded Must be hard being you Conceited Always right Never contrite Self assured Confident and precise No impulse to look within How so very nice Doesn’t wash with me But you haven’t the self awareness to see Think humility Simmer down I also know a thing or two But am not boring Unlike you Good grief Beyond belief Can see right through you Deluded Pure bullshit May know a bit Just not it all

Here We Go

Round two Two white men Slugging it out again Mr Orange Mr Beige Pensioners on their last page One full of rage Rigomortis You’re taking the piss Grey matter fading Matter it does Ripple effects felt far and wide East to West No one can hide Future in their ailing hands Neither muse Ones a lunatic Megalomaniac Bring on the heart attack Total buffoon I’d pay for a one way ticket to the moon Deja vu What a to do Familiar battle lines drawn Yawn yawn yawn Same old narrative How much longer will you live

Covid Saved My Bacon

No longer chained to a desk Such bliss How I do not miss Done my time No crime committed Day after day Wasting away Welcome to Groundhog Day Staring into space Don’t miss the place I’ll make the brew if it allows me to escape you Touching base Too familiar a place Glum face Zoning out What’s it all about? Nodding off in meetings That’s funny to see Flip charts Mr Kipling tarts Quiet farts Your getting obese Too many sweet treats Appraise this not me Do you agree? Can tell it resonates with you Blimey is that the time Clock is stuck on twenty past two Office politics Too many dicks No bowl of soul on Radio 6 Like a caged monkey I wanna be free to climb trees Phone keeps ringing Release this coiled spring The sedentary life To be fair it was where I met my wife

Robe Crimes

Surfing dudes around the globe Losing their shit Turning up noses Spying you donning the dryrobe That’s right Not a breaker in sight Plight of inland migration Modern day marmite Mum on the school run Too cool for the pool Oversized fool Complete and utter tool Catchy camo-pink number Changing in the aisle of Aldi Amongst the special buys Happen to be meant for the isle of Anglesey Frankly Mr Shankly it’s not for you Oh why oh why oh why Hijack it Looking every bit the self styled tit Blanking the robe code Walking the pooch Round town for a mooch Stare you down Oh yes indeed Each and every clown Dryrobe wankers Here there everywhere Driving us all spare Robe crimes Sign of our times

IT

I is it You is not Not one bit What What exactly is it Tell me Think about it You know It You don’t get it Never will Not like I do Why is that Just the way it is Que sera sera Cannot buy it Born with it The way it goes How the cookie crumbles Why Who knows Accept it It is fated It is what it is C’est la vie It’s in the cards You got it or you ain’t got it No doubt about it Deal with it Forget it Let it go Halfwit

Fatty

Jelly belly Hanging oh so low Dangling by knees Too many calories Jeez Wibbly wobbly Primed for heart disease Waddle around Can’t touch the ground See the old man Layer upon layer Crack another tin Only having a pop as you call me thin Fat face Can't tie your shoelace Taking up way too much space Fat shaming I’m not naming Gluttonous cake hole No self control Yet another sausage roll Greggs for brekky dinner and tea Arse the size of a small country Bicycle rack crack Fryer Tuck Type 2 You fat fuck Not a good look Morbidly so Betty Swollox Darth Vader breathing Chafing away Will you see another day

Bricks And Mortar

Ain’t you Outta be gone Bricks and mortar Flown the nest Out of sight Give us both a rest Can’t afford ya Rolling stone No home of me own Out of reach Out of pocket Absurd Futile Have gone the extra mile Improbable Not possible Come on Set sail Skedaddle Get gone Let loose Vamoose What d’ya mean Can only day dream Dream of me own shelter That’s right Box room is out of sight Spare 50K would save the day No chance for me You lot been playing monopoly Might step back in time Go off grid Live in a cave No need to save Behave in set ways Forage food Improve mood One euro property in Sicily Doer upper for you and me Change tune on the commune idea Dig down underground Too crowded up top Fake death Eureka Surface in Costa Rica

Johnny Clarke

The king of punk poetry Speaks dead quick does he In a proper Manc Axe-cent Skinny as a lat Not an ounce of fat Once wrote a classic called twat Cool as in those shades and hats Quill pen Giving him ten out of ten Styles his hair on the van de graff generator Sharp suits Doesn’t give two hoots 75 Nah Not having that What a surprise Is the fucker in disguise Never even seen his jam pies Looks quite fit despite shooting all that shit Sublime with rhyme I doubt this would get his time Contact him on the landline only Doesn’t do tech you see Pigeon Gary will post this for me Busy WFH Wanking from home as it’s become known Not hard With words alone This Bard has a mouthpiece to slice you in two Long may his journey continue

Young Again

Would you still Take that pill Ink that home made tattoo Drink cans of special brew Argue the toss with mates Punch one in the face Preen like a peacock Be mean Fall in love at sixteen Say those words Do anything to be heard Grow that mullet Wear shoulder pads Follow every fad Don ski hats Power suits Those gaudy shell suits Flares Flattops Watch Miami Vice Not once but twice Travel for free Jump taxis Jib away Walk a fine line Walk the train lines Volume hair Not have a care Graffiti walls Risk it all Turn left Turn right Or just follow your nose Who knows Probably Young brains wouldn’t have it any other way Would you Have a word with your younger self Be visionary Have to wait and see What would you change What else would you do I’ll decide when transported back to 1982

Millwall Brick

Ever been struck by a Millwall Brick Whack whack Taken one to the head Improvised Bushwacker attack Isle of Dogs Mad dogs more like Newspaper caper No one likes them They don’t care Stealth weapon wielded in the air Ingenious to be fair Crest inked on chest Roaring lions hate the Irons Harry the dog Once a docker Always off his rocker Tabloid in hand Welcomes you to Bermondsey The den of iniquity Siege mentality abounds Fuck me Stinks of the far right Thank fuck they’re shite Well out of sight

We all hate Leeds

Inferiority complex in minds Can still hear them whines From across the Pennines Elland Road groans Moan upon moan Marching onto nowhere Only got two songs Can never right all those wrongs Dinosaurs Small town mentality Roses rivalry Shadowed by that there Manchester Ey up it’s dirty Leeds Ow do Floundering in Division two No one likes you Boohoo There’s only one United The Service Crew War of the Roses That white rose gets right up my nose Lily Whites Let’s have it right Red Army smashed you that night Tha legged it Si’ thi Yorkshire shite Out of sight out of mind You inbreds are one of a kind Champions of Europe you still sing Your kidding European capital of human waste Disgraced Kings reside at O.T. The Holy Trinity Another Leeds disaster Chip on shoulder the size of Doncaster I predict a riot I predict a riot

Trainers to work

All the women wear trainers to work Drives old Mary beserk Something called Adidas Gazelle What the hell 80 quid a go Woah woah woah Times have changed Mai Nothing like back in your day Apoplectic Says what she sees Bemoans this modern look Take a leaf out of my book Not got a clue have you A beautiful frock would do Wide leg jeans Means nothing to Mamie Left the house wearing old rags Clad in a sleeping bag Dressed for putting out the bins No class Whilst you’re at it cover up your ass

Today

Can’t be bothered today Whatever you say Won’t make this feeling go away State of mind that can't be left behind Can’t be fussed today You know the score All seems such a farce Nowt will shift these emotions Not even a rocket up ones arse No forward motion No get up and go No wind in me sail Empty and frail Stoppin’ in today is me Don’t mither Just leave us be Don’t worry Mojo should be back tomorrow JOMO today All the way

Cash Is King

Bish Bash Bosh Dosh Dollar Dough Ker-ching Bullseye Cash is king I’ll have you know Ping ping ping don’t mean the same thing You daft bleeder Can’t expect the have nots to carry a card reader Bread and honey Show me the money Pie and mash You got a right old stash Wedge Wonga Lovely lolly for me jolly Charlie boy eye balling me on a crisp twenty Acquire a score when needed from your knicker drawer Readies Moolah Muhahahaha Spondulix Feel a million dollars Four ton in my sky rocket Bacon cheddar and cheese All this talk of cash is bringing me to my knees Ring-a-Ding-Ding Cash is king Remember to keep using Let’s do that small thing

Changing Man

Staring through the windscreen What does it all mean Roadblock ahead Sinkhole beneath feet Pot holes line my head Remembering all the things said Weirdly I understand Something is going down I realise it’s happening to me Arms flung wide Chest puffed out Take a walk in the park In the dark All alone Visualising another way Self imposed ultimatum Unlock imagination Moving on up in a new direction What are you looking at Who the hell do you think I am Never seen a changing man? It takes time To be just who you are Regenerate Find answers But it’s never too late

Champagne Taste

Champagne taste Beer money What you got in the trolley honey Something special Something nice Well worth it at twice the price Top of the range Makes a change Bits and bobs Step up from hobnobs Not a Seal Bar in sight No Aldi Jive tonight A bit of this A bit of that Small bites Tasty titbits Stoppin’ in Alright by me Indulgency watching TV Scrumptious Yummy Taste bud’s tingling Jellies jingling Bring it on Feast on treats until they’re gone

Tired

You’re tired Always tired You say I’m ok just a tad tired Hard wired to feel tired Say it again One more time A propensity to be Subconsciously Deadbeat Done in Dead on your feet Whacked Ready for the sack I’m tired of hearing you’re tired Gets me fired up Don’t need to know Humdrum Tiresome Fed up with hearing it Same old same old Tired of being told Key word in your vocabulary Will be tired en route to the cemetery It’s in your head You know it Programmed to be said

Veggies Get Stonkers

Bloated ballsack detected by drone Achy ball syndrome as it’s known Can’t just leave it alone Health matters young man Have yourself a good old natter Don’t go seeking a tan Eat proper Sleep well Take a lesson in self care You’re losing your hair Stretch bend get on the mend Five a day Clean cut craps will come your way One wipe and you’re done Have some of that my son Man boobs Test tubes Ignore and you lose Not to mention hypertension Angry arteries Dodgy knees Erectile dysfunction Veggies get stonkers No I’m not bonkers Give it a go Proven fact I tell you so Can’t stop pissing Sperm gone missing Andropause Step into the future You’ll get a round of applause

Empty Vessel

Another empty vessel Floating around in a sea of humanity Little going on up top Just the remnants of a sawdust drop Thick as two short planks Think it’s gonna be a long long time For your mind to catch up mine It’s a cerebral matter You’re a mad hatter Empty chamber Neurons gone missing Victim of phishing Daft as a brush Doolally Processing unit in no rush Always playing catch up Null and void Shit for brains Growing pains At the back of the queue when dished out to you

Two Liam's

Two Liam’s at work Tweedledee and Tweedledum From a previous century One red One blue Neither have a scooby doo Pension pot is tumbling down Thanks to that pair of clowns Playing FTSE under the table Switched on as much as my aunt Mable Thought Dow Jones was a Welsh actor Can’t figure out the simple factor of ten Two Liam’s at work Wee boys not men How I pray for the pair of them Amen

Travel Trash

Travel Trash is what you are Why bother go so far Looks so much better on TV Not all it’s cracked up to be From the comfort of your settee try virtual reality Surrounded by beauty Stay local What’s not present exactly Who are you kidding What part of your brain is missing Queue Hop on Hop off Queue Delayed Moan Travel trash Back home with a weird rash Should have chilled at home Do us a favour Stay a while longer No finer sight Than the back of your head as you board another flight We’re loving the peace and tranquility Whilst you’re away across one of the seven seas

One More Time

Wash up one more time Swear i’m gonna commit a heinous crime Sick and tired of this Get me self retired Pots and pans piling everywhere Appearing out of thin air Left me pulling out my drop dead gorgeous hair AI is no friggin use to me Unless it can wash up and do laundry Those poor hands of mine I’ll shove that spatula where the sun don’t shine Ping meals only from now on Pruney fingers shall be gone Time to give up Fairy fed up

Poet Spammer

Poet spammer Been coming at you like a sledgehammer Apologies for that Got carried away You’ll be glad to hear I’m calling it a day Had my say You’re a busy bee unlike me Said it all to be fair Got it off my chest Now time for a rest and to stop being a pest Try something new Might crochet something for you Learn to play an instrument After all only know the blue vein piccolo Get on me bike First things first A pint in town with my mate Mike Anyway you were right Happen to be Just a pile of rhyming shite

Mastermind

Seen you on Mastermind One off edition for sick minds Specialist subject the age of consent Every country you ever went Every answer on the money Sat there like a happy bunny I have to say Pervs like you get right on my nerves Don’t deserve to share our fresh air Not interested in your self loathing Nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing General knowledge a bag of shite Didn’t get a single one right As the saying goes I’ve started so ill finish Welcome to the honey trap Float like a butterfly Sting like a bee Get off the floor via my trap door Room 101 On your way to earth’s inner core To frazzle To fry Good riddance Goodbye

Take Me To The Sun

Take me to the sun The highly revered one Prize won if you must know Thanks to the Postcode Lottery I’m buzzin me Freddie Laker special Dead happy Whatever will be will be Been waiting half a century Take me to the sun On the run What me? What from? Just a ticking time bomb Expedition like no other Mother of all nuclear reactions It’s no jackanory No tall story I’m not weird me Just lacking in vitamin D Take me to the sun Gonna be the first one The centre of attention The centre of the solar system Fly past stars Stop off at Mars Trace constellations along the way Take me to the sun Sol Sunne Reckon it will be hot un’ up here Don’t fret mum I’ve got the right gear Lucky pants on a flag pole Solar eclipse glasses Daft grin from ear to ear Got no fear me Type of guy that will try anything Gave us the beginnings Now for the end Fill me with hydrogen and helium It’s of great pleasure to say goodbye my friends

Passenger

On the train Window gazing See it Say it Sort it Never mind that bullshit Line the tracks with some of the white stuff And i’ll fuckin snort it Say it again See it Say it Sort it Deal me some of that pure shit British Rail never failed me Jibbed it everywhere for free Walking down the tracks feeling hazy Straight lines only As the crow flies from A to B Electrified now the gear has kicked in There’s light at the end of the tunnel Only it’s the light of an oncoming train Fuck me Carnage Out of luck again

70s Child

70s child Wow Paying for it now Through the teeth Out on your chopper Space Hopper That filling is a whopper Queue at Mr Bailey’s for a penny chew Cans of Iron Bru Sherbet Lemons Cola Cubes Aching jaw Cassette recorder New world order UFO sightings Another flying saucer Oughta taken more care Brushed teeth as well as hair Toothless grin Dentists coining it in Melting in metal mouth Parma Violets Pear drops Sugary head No one said Bell bottoms Oversized sleeves Fringed accessories Cavaties Gum disease Pain dropping you to knees Hollow enamel Strawberry bonbons tomorrow Pass the pliers String and doorknob Anything to end this throb 70s child Would you ever ever have it another way Never Those were happy days

Eat Now Pay Later

Hello there Can I have fish and chips on eat now pay later please Actually just the chips That fish fucking stinks and is full of microplastics Side portion of mushy peas wouldn’t go a miss And no I’m not taking the piss Can of that there Iron Bru too No ta to the caviar What on earth Giving that a wide berth as well Yeah eat now pay later Yes you heard me right Do you do any plans? Just that I’m in rent arrears In debt up to my ears Got no credit score Debt collectors banging on my door There’s just no hiding The water keeps on rising Anyway what about those chips Plenty of s and v for me And do you mind not wrapping them up in the Sun Don’t want to gag on em’ More of a liberal leftist when all is said and done Was told access to chips was part of my human rights Did you hear me? Said they’re part of my human rights Why you looking at me like I’m some kind of freak Promise I’ll pay next week Gonna flog the family antiques Things are bleak round here Grim up north Keep on keeping on Chip chip chippin away Living day to day

Cannae Believe It

Do you wanna know what I reckon Not really Gonna have your say anyway Reckon the earth is flat as a pancake The moon landing was most definitely fake Make no mistake Bigfoot is really real That’s a done deal 5G causes cancer and COVID 19 No jokes Global warming is a hoax JFK is still out and about today Saw Elvis only yesterday Do you wanna know what I reckon Frankly I don’t give a damn Shut up I ain’t listening man But I’ll have my say anyway Reckon you’ve got a partial brain Someone who can’t feel pain You’re punch drunk Lonely as a cloud Reckon you should stop in Look within Your in love with an illusion What’s gone is gone Pick up a hobby Play with yourself if needs be Whatever tickles your fancy Don’t attempt to rewrite history Why oh why Let sleeping dogs lie Reckon your a chicken leg short of a full picnic A halfwit Thick fish with thick ideas Thick as pig shit I reckon it’s the end of the world as we know it

Four By Four

That hideous tank you drive around Propped way up high off the ground The one you feel dead good in That big old lump of tin Solid and secure The one you nip to Waitrose in Pick the kids up from anywhere street The one in which you own the road Foot to the floor in the 4X4 Out and about on your tod Riding roughshod You know what you should do Donate it to Ukraine Help alleviate some of their pain Running out of military hardware They could desperately do with some spares Do it soon you buffoon Before Putin arrives at your front door Loved ones are conscripted To be seen no more KGB in tow Loves the Beatles don’t you know Wearing a dead carnation Leader of the Russian Federation Dumps in a suitcase He’ll end the human race He’s a fruitcake for sure Proper menace Happily sacrifice his own Cold as ice

Blowing Smoke

Listen pal I have to say Pure genuis That thing you did the other day Class Honestly mate I ain’t blowing smoke up your ass Didn’t half make me laugh Doubled over in the back of the Rover Not sure what’s happened to me though Not feeling it one bit Need a silver bullet Not an ounce of synergy The black sheep of our community Got a dose of lunacy Dodgy DNA I’d say A proper twat I’ve turned out to be Reckon the older I get the less I care Say anything to anyone anywhere Brain’s out of control If I knew what to do I’d set it free Once floated around like Fred Astaire Tip tapping away Now always got two fingers up in the air Should be on the straight and narrow by now Come over here Lend an ear I stand here before you Cap in hand Enlighten me You’re a wise old tree Rooted firmly far and wide Fine upstanding man Gets the true meaning of society

Marigold Man

Double up as marigold man That’s who I am Mellow yellow Oh yes I can Shining bright Halo that never sinks low Tickling stick at the ready steady go Dead on time Always a good sign Got a degree in cleanology Only one in the whole country More useful than criminology Was once told Worth you weight in marigolds Extras available for a fee Naughty but nice Cheap at half the price No job too small Nooks and crannies n’all Can turn my hand to gaenecology Kindhearted is me Quick as a flash In out and gone Learnt all I know from my mate Ron Complex industry Not for the faint hearted Shut up and let me get started Time is money in this game Public liability No blame Full indemnity Take me on Worries will be gone Polish prizes before leaving home Scrub up the garden gnome Naked cleaning is a big no no Wouldn’t want to see my crack on the go go Jack of all trades Master of them all Find me on trust a trader Just think of all the hassle I’ll save ya

Family Tree

Traced my family tree Believe it or not Descend from the same tribe as Muhammad Ali Couldn’t believe my eyes Love this guy Got loads in common have we Not just a boxer but a poet was he Likes a bit of banter Will dismantle ya if needs be One of a kind In bed by 10 after watching TV Float like a butterfly Sting like a bee The hands can’t hit what the eyes can’t see Straight outta Kentucky Step on our toes and we’ll let you know Put on a magical show Thrilla in Manilla Street fight in Stockport The place where they rumble in Rockports That’s where the similarities end Different skin tone Ali sat on the throne I never experienced racial prejudice like he A segregated society Cassius Clay stood up and had his say Not afraid to send bigots on their way I ain’t six foot four Taken an almighty blow on the jaw Sticking it to the man No shoulda coulda woulda Ali did Ali was the one The one and only

Branded

Deconstructed piece by piece Chipped Branded like cattle in your corporate fleece You’ve been logoed Holy cow Time to kowtow There’s no escaping now Sewn into your back Herded Hacked GPS tracked Spyware tech What the heck Yield my child Turn around Settle back down Remove that frown Toe the line and all shall be fine You’re identifiable now Shackles are on Senses gone Cannot exit the grind No idle time if you don’t mind From cradle to grave Ho ho ho Cheer up lad Only sixty years to go Remember it’s a marathon not a sprint Listen to what I say Rome was not built in a day 9 til 5 Week after week Just have to turn the other cheek

Just One Thing

You know I always loved ya You know I always will Till the end of time Long as there’s a spring A bird to sing I’ll keep on loving you Never another No one else in the running Won’t ya just tell me one thing Make it something special Packed full of feeling Make those birds sing Daffodils do there thing Make it make sense Pure and simple Bring out a deep smile Send me miles skyward A message to me only Make it golden Something to hold on Take my advice honey Make it sugar and spice and all things nice Take me out of the dark into the light Out of the shade into the sun Come on girl Take me out tonight Make atoms collide Leave me nowhere to hide Spit it out Better say it soon Or else I’m off this roundabout On tenterhooks over here Won’t you just tell me that one thing Keepin’ me hangin’ Don’t refrain Look at my face Hit me with it like a freight train

Kids Hey!!

Oh my giddy aunt My boys call me Richard Even Ricardo from time to time Be clear This is an observation Less of a rant Why I do not know Afraid I cannot let this habit go Oh no no no Or else it will soon be Oi dickie lad pass the remote Hang on I’m the GOAT Richie boy makes us a brew More cheek than a baboon’s arse Must put an end to this farce This insolence must stop Right here right now Not saying I’m highbrow or out Not one to demand and shout However familiarity breeds contempt Happen it be a tad strange I’d rather top banana Boss man would make a nice change Head honcho That's the way to go Captain of the ship Top dog Less of the lip Chieftain or gaffer This is no joke Salute Patre at morning dawn Top man has awoke

Conflicted

Maybe Maybe not No one gets my lot This is the way Should I should I not Coming round again Flickering mind Sinking sunset Feel left behind Oh my conflicted mind Dithering no Ruminating yes Stab in the dark I guess Just dunno which way to go What corner to turn Burn baby burn Someone needs to know Days are passing But I’m not laughing Sway from side to side Like trees dancing to the tune of a breeze No escaping Head can’t hide Ambivalence override Is there any wonder

Over And Out

Hoovering round the dead Eyes shut 94 Stiff as the front door Mouths wide open Lay prostrate on the bed What an image for my aching head Ah well Must continue Got a job to do Places to get to Coroner will soon be with you To be fair To be expected No need to despair Maybe it’s for the best At peace Can have a proper rest Preserved in formaldehyde for the remaining one Things must carry on Someone to chat to Let onto at day’s dawn We’re all pawns after all Foot soldiers Coded to march on Plough through Will see you on the other side

Ta Ra

Dear oh dear oh dear-a Dear Ciara has only gone and done it Alas she’s walked out the building one last time Departed Left this place with panache and style Taken that lovely smile and ran a one minute mile Soon as she walked out that door Missed in SK4 Didn’t get the blues Just had an offer too good to refuse Got a pad in Edgeley now The emerging middle classes have moved in Hot spot for Cullen staff Adding to the wealth of riff raff Home Bargains loyalty card Walking up Castle Street looking well hard Bricks and mortar Seen her walk on water Can part sand from the sea Bring tears to a glass eye But still has bills to pay Needs to be busy earnin’ To make hay She’s a good lad as Neil would say Nearly thirty is the karaoke queen Forever flirty Loves a wine The right fella would be mighty fine Icing on the cake that would be She’s accepting CVs Nothing fake No cry babies No weirdos please Got to be deserving for our Ciara to drop to her knees Not clingy Nor a Jaffa One who can sow seeds Someone who will treat her right Return home every night To be sure she’s a County Roscommon girl From the Emerald Isle Part of a big family is she Michael Flatly would get a run for his money Blue eyes and fair skin Exactly what it says on the tin Cleavage to get lost in One of six I’m told Mess with this girl Big bro will visit to say hello Not much else to say Except stay in touch Never any point saying don’t go I know you’re happy Telepathy told me so

Away Away

Think I’ll jack it in Dust off Start again Get on me bike Not to get a job as plonker Tebbit once said Instead move away Talk to strangers at least once a day Try my hand at something new What d’ya say Why stay and fade away Think it’s time See new places Meet new faces New routes Gonna fill me boots New ways Stretch neurological pathways Cut ties Before the fire inside me dies Change of scenery Would do us both the world of good Fear has probably been keeping us here Whatever you do lad Don’t think twice Turnaround Procrastinate before it’s too late Become a distant idea In the recess of memory Get a move on before you’re gone Say ta ra If I never ever see you again It’s been a pleasure Amen

Two Populations

Living side by side Separated by a gulf so so wide One with no place to hide Swept by a ruthless rip tide Pissing into a gale Battered by hail The other sat on a perch way up high I’m alright Jack Got a full sack Hellbent on more Enough is never enough Collecting endless stuff The only reason is just because Relentless Cheek to cheek One living week to week Lifespan minus ten How can that be? I know it’s always been so Remember that when you go Fade ever so slow We’re just the same Alone Skin and bone

Suburban Paradise

Hop skip jump to you Flowery Field What a hidden gem Count to ten Buttercup heaven here again Another fine yield The power of flowers Eau natural dazzling display Lost in a sea of yellow Far and wide as the eye can see Memories of kick stone one two three Daisy chains What’s in a name? Lavender Lane Primrose Hill Taking this away a bitter pill A part of me died that day That decision just not okay Sanctuary under the old oak tree Take a breath Listen ever so carefully Blinding beauty you will hear and see

Cloud Chasing

Disposable vapes Now there’s a thing After poisoning Filling your lungs with god knows what Instead of littering Why not Shove that thing up your arse Sideways preferably Fit more in that way you see At least a bakers dozen I’d say To be fair strewn everywhere It’s a crazy lazy affair Sending me ape Spare Pulling out my hair Shrouded in sickly scent Vapour trail tracks the way you went Exhaust mouth It’s all gone south

Branching Out

Trees trees Glorious trees Bloomin’ beautiful Can we have loads more please Lungs of our land We go hand in hand Got personalities Communicating talking trees Shaded under canopies Impossible angles Dancing to the tune of a breeze Autumn’s colourful leaves all around Crimson parachutes down to ground Knobbly and gnarly Magnifique Full of mystique Crammed with life in decay My word it’s a stunning day Beech a favourite I’d say Such a peach of a tree Hunk of a trunk Smooth and grey just like me This is my message to you Protect Leave be

Gated Community

Gated community For a certain fraternity Bumpy private road Rendered gin palace pads Mock Tudor replaced by wrap around glass Welcome to cloud cuckoo land Heads buried in sand False tits Fake ass What you looking at I’m not second class Grinning like a Cheshire Cat Soulless Safe and secure Keep you rats from our door I’m not bitter Heard you’ve been shagging the babysitter Fortified money pit Out of sight Doesn’t sit right

Jamaican Vibes

Come early Stay late Leave all the bad vibes at the gate Do your ting It’s not too late Stay humble when blessings come your way Just another day Life’s for living Can be unforgiving Yeah man big up yuh self Embrace it all After all your ten foot tall Swing high hang low It will be hunky dory All part of the story Keep your sunny side up Go with the flow Remember one people Learn to mellow Only occasionally say no De olda de moon de brighter it shines Never give up Bless up mon

How Come

Wassup Got a face like a slapped arse Moody Proper mardy Why? Go on giz a grin Might just win Through gritted teeth Whizz one up on that phiz Mona Lisa mush Need to fix in a rush Please crack a smile Promise I won’t run a mile Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp How come? Got someone’s thumb stuck up your rectum Face like thunder How I wonder Get that resting bitch face out of this space At the double not snail pace You see a smile goes a long long way Has this ripple effect Helps keep the pain away Release the endorphins Let the positive energy flow Blood pressure goes down You’ll be bouncing around town From head to toe you will glow Give it a go You know God loves a trier Never out of fashion So they say so

SOS

Can I get a doctor Going off me head Can I get doctor Glued to me bed Can I get a doctor Number twenty in the queue Go book online Fuck you Can I get a doctor What’s all the fuss Can I get a doctor Send for the yellow bus Can I get a doctor Cuckoo cuckoo Can I get a doctor Where are you Can I get a doctor Flipped out of me skull Can I get a doctor Life’s never dull Can I get a doctor Gone all Daffy Duck Can I get a doctor Run out of luck Can I get a doctor Well that depends One last yell I need a friggin doctor What the hell I’m all mashed up with nowhere to go

I've Been Waiting

Hey Mr Postie Where you been Time is flying Dreams are dying Dodging my front door Working to rule Think I’m some kind of fool By the way was it part of the job spec Wearing those silly shorts every sec Including on this yet wet again miserable day Been keeping me hangin’ Anticipating Waiting on my golden ticket Ticket to ride Glide away Thought I was the nearly man The one who never can Need to flee this town Been straight jacket tied down Thanks for the snail mail Just so happens I’m in luck Seven Seas Land of opportunities Who knows who I’ll meet What I’ll do or see Definitely not your lower extremity Trust me Those pins a sore sight for eyes to see

True Crimes

From East to West Draped in red and white The FA Cup looks best Concilio et labore Hear the Red Army roar Take a lesson and you will see Football taught by Matt Busby Manchester is red Now get that small thing into your daft head Sky blue Just makes me wanna spew 115 FC Asterisks for all to see Delusions of Grandeur Club with no integrity Cheating since 2009 Shame on you Crime after crime Soon to be doing time We all know You’re toast A burnt Sunday roast

Vox Pop

Alright our kid You gonna vote? Hitting a note? Independence Day innit All a bit humdrum innit You see they pay no respect to common intellect Might go green if you know what I mean Well I do love hugging trees Humanist is me That Alice Robert’s off TV She’s the President of our Society Monster Raving Loony Party could be the one There’s a bit of Screaming Lord Sutch in you D’ya dig Rishi’s King Lear’s The fuckers only 44 Got the keys to No 10s front door As for Keir Dear oh dear Drab as a Mancunian sky No way hey with this one Personality gone astray Anyway It will be good to see a few more Tories down DWP Not the Bank of Rishi though Didn’t you know? Dumbo’s worth 650 mill bro Bet he’ll still take his stipend though That’s naughty mate Should donate Demonstrate the power of big ears Bring the deserving to tears

Constructive Destructive

Left a review Something I was compelled to do Had to be done Proper shit sandwich just for you Root and branch review Cup your ears Got tons to hear Been on my mind sometime A long time coming Dreaming of venting my spleen Telling what I seen You been skimming my cream From time to time you have to say it how it is Otherwise they’ll keep taking the piss No tall stories No jackanory from me The truth and nothing but the truth will do Warts and all You’re gonna go into feedback freefall The perfect place to start Bullet through the heart Made it to the point Explosive expletives at every juncture Puncture after puncture For once in your lifetime Take it on the chin Get up off the floor Suck it up Readjust your glass jaw Think I hung around too long Don’t get me wrong You’ll thank me some day Feel loads better now I’ve had my say

Guilty Pleasures

Random question generator What’s your guilty pleasure? Settling down to a rom com Nah Don’t be daft Soaking in a bubble bath Watching the world go by Singing your head off in the car You betcha Devouring a jar of crème eggs Another slice Pin ups Ooooh nice A day in your PJs Daytime TV Cheeky bet on the footy Spontaneous day trip Well hello Get you shaking those hips Binging Gaming Binging No shaming Nose picking Nail flicking Caramac I know which fool said that Dressing up Thought as much Whatever takes your fancy Can you still fit into Nancy’s dress? Believe it or not Reading a book on the loo having a number two As for me You’ll have to wait and see

Tattitude

I’ve been thinking Tattoo or not to tattoo What d’ya reckon What should one do Maybe Maybe not Holy cow You see the thing is Every fucker has one now Probably side with the minority Be one of the remaining few You see I see you In my minds eye Old and grey Long term care home stay Wrinkled saggy skin No longer does what it said on the tin Oh my days No idea what the ink now says Faded love and hate Laser removal is too late Blurred lines everywhere Cannot help but stare That butterfly can no longer fly Flowers have wilted and died Bet you wish you could turn back the tide

Mogg-Xit

Jacob William Rees-Mogg The Honourable member for the early 20th Century Commonly known as twat Is duly unelected This over breeding rat is off The Edwardian pencil fucked off by you The honourable public Finally Mogg-xit is done

Angry

Was gonna leap out the jam jar Fill your boat race right in Pumped Angriest by far I’ve ever been Raging Red mist descending at a pace Heart rate ascending Blood red face Suddenly something struck a chord Might be carrying a samurai sword Chopped in two by some drug lord That I cannot afford Gone in sixty seconds Not good me reckons Would just be my luck Not to mention I’ve just started drawing my pension Best stand down Not hang around Eat humble pie Avoid all the hullabaloo The quiet life will do Be gone Don’t want to be around numpties like you No shenanigans That’s all I ask No fuss Be gone Not welcome on my bus

Don't Start

Don’t start Do me a favour Keep two chevrons apart Bow to Mother Nature Eat plants love life Pull yourself together Won’t last forever Enjoy the ride Box clever Just checking in to see what condition your condition is in At the mercy of snipers alley Stop fussing about the weather It is what it is Not that bleak Whinging is for the weak All about the memories Who did you please Listen to silence it has much to say Will show you the way Take things as they come Sometimes easier said that done And no i’m not having one up the bum Give me some bad ass jazz instead Sunlight and shadows for my head Visit Qatar No ta Sooner walk the streets in nowt but my wife’s bra Gods strewth Do you know You’ve got the perfect face for radio It’s nice to smile Say hello After all you said honesty was the best policy Not my fault you got a fishy face Came last in each and every race Lived a life of copy and paste Acting with too much haste Your pain so palpable it I can taste

Stoppin' In

Hey people Have I Got News For You Going out is overrated Stoppin’ in I’m Strictly liberated Shout about Not Going Out Wondering what to watch Countryfile Foxy Springwatch Kicking off with the One Show Dogs bollox I’ll have you know Digging for Britain Antiques Roadshow A Place in the sun Get in there my son Homes Under the Hammer Give it up for Bargain Hunt Better than Love Island you daft Cnut Reality TV ain’t for me Give me some archaeology Natural history Dodgy stick for footy Saving Lives at Sea Well worth the license fee Travel shows So much to know Channel hop to Repair Shop Getting into it with Jools Whilst you fools are out about in the rain Pissed out your brains Must be time for Dragons Den Gets ten out of ten Gone Fishing How spiffing Simmering down Crack another tin Pour us a gin Living the front room dream Not a single knob head to be seen

I Hear You

I hear you I see you I will not dismiss you It’s just not just The thing is I see kindness I see all the things that you do I have watched from afar Witnessed your battle scars I stand here before your grief in total disbelief The worlds biggest paving slab It drives me crazy Makes me sick I sit here quietly It cannot be No one can walk all over me Let me lead you by the hand Face up Turn over new pages Rattle some cages Get over before going under Time to take back Reclaim dignity Have expectations Been treading too carefully Forget everything You got wings Tomorrow will bring brighter things Through and through I’ve got you No one knows tomorrow The futures there to find Leave the past behind The world is ours I see you as an angel fallen from the sky

Shut Up

No one needs to know All those titbits of info About the inconsequential Your pursuits They’re trivial Don’t give two hoots What you did yesterday Planning tomorrow Fills me with sorrow What you’re avin’ for your tea Did or didn’t see Boring the tits off me Not notice me yawning Glazing over Imagine if I closed eyes Plugged ears Don’t want to hear Best unseen Unheard I’m not interested Don’t give a toss Tik Tok off Doing my nut in Keep it under your hat TWAT

This Country

Well well well EDL Whoever you are Rock on Tommy At it again Your country needs you boys To be controlled and constrained Making far too much noise Flag waving Brits Proudly throwing bricks Brainless fuckwits Fuelled online Your idea of a good time Digging the rhetoric It’s not true Skewed Fake news fed to you Rules your world Bullshit that you heard Stick em on a train Send em to Ukraine Heading to be frontline fodder Soon see how hard you are Biggest bunch of knobs by far Chain gang em in a field To pick British fruit and veg Your farmers Don’t half need you Dig for Britain Fatberg style would do Supporting the almighty Blighty Pot holes need sorting at the double Whatever keeps you out of trouble Mindless minds must be tried Kept occupied Take a tip Shush your lips Take a trip Bermuda Triangle is lovely this time of year Disappear On a rally in Death Valley Relearn yourself Learn a little human touch

Dumb and Dumber

Smart people Where you gone Upped and left us bereft Replaced by smart phones NPC clones Thugs and fascists walk amongst us Knuckle dragging zones Sticks and stones Swastika poppy tattoo Yes it’s true The sum of you You really inked the two Fuck me No fuck you Lest we forget England expects The thing is T’internet never forgets

Busy Busy Busy

Everyone is rushing around Ever never present Nowhere to be found Feet never touching the ground The story you’re juggling It all then falls down Spinning plates Always late You’re so so busy So very very busy Sending yer sen dizzy Tired and wired Not got the time of day Define what time is anyway Not enough hours in your life It’s cultural It’s rife Hickory Dickory Dock Where does time go Round the clock Yes that we know Try pressing pause If only you’d occasionally say no Pick and choose Nothing to lose Let a few things go How else will you appreciate tomorrow Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time It’s subliminal Sublime

Is Thou Bored

What’s wrong with you Bored again sieve head Feel ignored Need something to do Don’t y’know you fool Idle hands are the devil’s tool Pissing around at fifty odd ain’t cool Listen to me The Olympics are on moron Gold to be won See them run that race It’s bloody ace Energises the soul Rush of blood to the face Don’t be shy A new event in town to try Pole vaulting the M62 Go on give it a go I think you should I really do Don’t worry Wet the bed Your mam and dad we shall shout Lay central reservation flowers If it’s an artic that wipes thou out

Half Mast

Why your pants at half mast lad Why look so sad No wind in your sail Left stationery out at sea You appear unhappy Shrouded Clouded over Whatever they be Hoisties Jack ups Budgies Just look silly to me You’d say it’s individually Spit it out young man Haven’t got all day Got me thinking Surely can’t be shrinking Trousers fell out with shoes Growth pains at it again Statement of fashion Cotton on ration Saving for a house deposit Oh dear that’ll take an eternity One last guess Got it at last Your Persian has passed That’s rough Tough to take Moggy is man’s second best friend Hope you mend Love we send In solidarity slacks will rise on the strike of three

Unconscious Bias

Walk on by No way Why should I Challenging what you said Stuck in my head Need to start over Broaden your mind Go away Relearn Come back another day Educate others Relearn some more Break down doors Change your narrative Lift the lid Rid yourself of prejudice Misogyny just ain’t cool kid And one more thing Not as white as you look Pick up that book Delve underneath What shaped your beliefs Understand cultural conditioning Your own upbringing Go on that personal journey of discovery All it takes is intent Vulnerability It’s our responsibility

Mr Potato Head

Random question generator Part two What’s your favourite potato? Loaded and smashed Hash Brown Sweet and red Mash or Tater ash Creamy and swimming in gravy Deeeeelish Soup Curry I’m in a hurry Serve me a chip shop butty Well hello Baby new smothered in mayo Jersey Royal boiled Baked Potato caked Tinny tin tinned Cold roasted dunked in salt Stop right there The old ticker just said halt Mamma Mia Now you’re waffling Spanish tortilla Patatas Bravas too Wide open eyes Ketchup layered fries Gnocchi That’s a tad fancy for me Another packet of air filled crisps Potato vodka Oh yes To that I’ll nod ya

The Folks

My folks are 89 Been together for an ice age Not always on the same page Still have sleepovers from time to time Stay up way past nine Take their PJs and favourite teddies Coffee and a walk No amount of small talk Play cards Cheese board games Reminisce names Fully functioning Never smoked weed Not for sale Serviced and MOTd

This Is The Way

We know the problems A blind man could see We know what to change How things should be The ways to equalise society Pacifiers is all you’ll get To keep you at bay Under the thumb Well away Think Grenfell For fucks sake Think cheap cladding To fit into the Kensington landscape Think no escape Tick tocking time bomb Think greed They knew But would not heed Think burning There just ain’t no learning Forever stepping on you Why take so long For right to sort wrong Passing the buck Getting off the hook Re-arranging titanic deck chairs Excuses out of thin air Tangled up in a web of benefit and deceit Like the plague Avoiding your side of the street You play the system my friend Don’t think twice it’s alright Whichever way we look It’s fucking laughing at you Doesn’t want you on the ladder Driving you madder and madder Why Why not get yourself a tiny slice of that pie

Hello There

Aye up lad How’s you? All good? Yeah sound as a pound Why can’t you tell Tickety-boo Floating overground Stars have aligned Yesterday was alright Unafraid of tomorrow Today will be just right In a good place My song ain’t yet written Only half bitten Got that grin back on my face Nothing is new Just ploughing on It’s what I’m good at All I know to do Not still pissing around like you Talking all that jazz Let it go bro Learn to grow Think bigger Hungry sponges absorb it all Grow tall Take a look at what you’re doing Say goodbye to being small

Chippy Chips

Been a licking my lips Chippy chips for us tea Plenty of S & V On knee Watching TV The way it has to be Don’t batter my sausage Leave it well alone Only chippy chips for me Got my taste buds a tingling Gotten me singing Jellies are now a jingling Don’t want that fish Leave it swimming around Ocean bound Chippy chips only in my dish Maybe a few scraps for old times sake You’ll get chippy chips at my wake Forget losing weight Chippy teas cannot wait

Conflicted

Maybe Maybe not No one gets my lot This is the way Should I Should I not Coming round again Brain stuck Flickering sinking sunset Feel left behind Oh my conflicted mind Dithering no Ruminating yes Just dunno which way to go Stab in the dark I guess What corner to turn Pressure kills joy Relentlessly repetitive Cannot jump through hoops Trapped in exhausting thought loops Someone needs to know Days are passing But I’m not laughing Unhinged on the fringes Sway from side to side No escaping Head can’t hide Ambivalence override This is how it feels to be me Will someone somewhere set me free

Motion

Pill Popping There’s no stopping But time has told me Motion is the supreme lotion That I do believe My kind of potion Up and down like a fiddlers elbow Like there’s no tomorrow Give that medicine chest a rest Off the settee Up and down like a bride’s nighty It’s clear to me Gotta keep on moving Keep on keeping on Keeping it real Doing your thing Limbering Again and again Do not wane Lean and mean Like a well oiled machine It’s a static fact Need to act Up on feet Grooving to the beat Or you’ll be dead meat Oh my god it’s ace Get off your arse Look at that smile on your face

Cut Of Your Jib

I like the cut of your jib mate A cut above The way you manage hate No bowing to his nibs Nothing said glib I enjoy being around you Hope shines through We’re on the same page I like exactly what you say and do Got a good take on it all Can learn a thing or two Standing tall It feels good to stay true We say what we mean And mean what we say Won’t be shoved away Won’t be unheard Always keeping our word You’re my boy man You’re my boy

Nine Lives

I do believe Donald has nine lives It sure seems that way I swear this fuckers got nine lives Still out and about Handing out the high fives This crazy fat cat is still alive How’s he gotten this old A story that needs to be told I reckon he’ll soon be outta time Dead cat on the line What’s the point of all those guns in the mighty U S of A None of them mothers can shoot straight anyway You’re better than this Need some shooting practice Meanwhile The immigrants keep crossing Eating your cats and dogs Taking the piss Me thinks this shooting business is fake news Looking for the sympathy vote Maybe Just maybe you’ll slit your own throat To be fair I’d be happy if you bought a boat Float far away For the final time on life number nine They’ll be no saving lives at sea Donald will be history

Blah Blah Blah

Say what Everybody talks Blah blah blah Say what Cut you up like Guy Fawkes Hung drawn quartered Slaughtered Everyone talks Are you ready To be dragged along the sidewalks Ain’t that the way it is In one ear Polite reminder Don’t come too near Yap yap yapping Whilst i’m napping What’s myth What’s reality Let me fact check that and see Whoever you are Never speak for me Spouting off a load of bilony That’s no way to be Don’t wanna rain on your parade But in my humble opinion You should shut your trap and fade Yes fade away Don’t bother showing up another day Let’s be clear Give it a rest I speak in no jest

Ice Cold

Paper thin clothes face the cold Damp seeps deep into bones Turning ash white Turned old overnight Man hold on Hold on tight man Just don’t seem right Gotta hold on tight Backstreets have beckoned Home to they say deadbeats Bums and hustlers Spicing up lives Sharing beds of stone No childhood home Stench of piss I do believe you’re better than this All these people pass by Don’t you bother me My medicine is my survival Don’t want your sympathy I am ready for whatever will be Don’t know a stitch about my history

The Rock

Rodri’s going on strike Taken his ball home Too tired No longer hardwired to play Needs an extended holiday Didums I hear you say Wants to visit The Rock Yes The Rock of Gibraltar Hang on a minute I’ll have to halt ya right there You see Mr Rodri If you know your history It’s a British Overseas Territory Belongs to old blighty They won’t let the cock into The Rock Put a sock in it As they say in the playground We won it It’s our flag Our rules Still our land A lines been drawn in the sand Goes way back to the Treaty of Utrecht So button it blue nose Show some respect Rodri’s going on strike Akanji too In fact the whole team in blue

Le Visage

If you don’t mind me sayin Those lines are a tellin Furrowed Creases burrowed Folds Stories that could be told I like em Don’t disguise em It’s you Signs of life’s livin’ Saggy jowl But how you still howl Lift up your countenance with grace An amazing maze upon your face Contour lines Lots and lots of age spots Join those dots Your facial fingerprint Deep and wide Zigzagging with pride Can’t stop ageing Freeze time There’s no immortality Mighty fine lines Skin might not be as elastic However You still look fantastic

Cause And Effect

I don’t need to read the papers Watch TV to understand Problems create solutions Solutions bring problems Clockwise becomes anti Pendulum of life you see Stalemate happen it be Snakes and ladders at play Edging closer to the precipice Ain’t that the way it is Forces collide Equal in magnitude Opposite in direction Nothing changes Not a fraction At this juncture I am ready I am so so ready To see out days by the sea An endless horizon Time for a new soundtrack Tides come and go Stare up at the sky snow Gaze at cloud shapes Put simply Escape Marvel at the setting sun You’ll see me pass by Floating on the water This is where you’ll find me Flying in the sky

Comes A Time

You’re a menace to society Driving me crazy An accident waiting to happen Your world has gone all hazy Surely you cannot see properly I have to say It’s no Morris Minor triviality Blind in one eye Deaf in one ear Nearing your ninetieth year Should be taking it easy Not driving up my rear You ain’t no fool Everything goes full circle Life can be cruel Losing your mind Right up my behind Cannot feel your feet No idea of what where which street Hunched over steering wheel Can hear you a mile away Crunching gears Revving up like no tomorrow Be careful Or they’ll be sorrow Someone have a word Time to download Uber Take the bus Still have your independence Probably save a few pence Not such a bitter pill Put it towards the winter fuel bill

I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to him Bendy The elastic kid from the park That was the time that was Didn’t have a care Breathing country air Sometimes I get edgy walking home in the dark Check left Check right Soon be back alright Think about fleeting encounters Lucky Seven on the bridge Beach combing detectorist Sometimes I wonder what if Why you What possessed them to become terrorists I remember the old guy met that Saturday Walking with his stick and dog Told me about his wife and kids What they did Where they lived Lord my mind is a swirling mess Jumping scattergun Full of randomness Spontaneously racing Painting pictures Awash with thoughts I do not analyse Never touch the unexplained That big stuff Too much for my brain

This Is Yorkshire

Let me tell you Over there In that there York-shire A proud County That they call Gods own country With such natural beauty Go visit Come ed Go see They’re a stubborn bunch Proud as punch Stingy buggers Never pay for lunch Ear all See all Say nowt Eat all Sup all Pay nowt They say wa-ter It’ll be reight Ow do Other odd stuff Tight as a gnats chuff Eat lard by the ton Ee bah gum Eat it for fun Know it alls Right lot of Yorkshire Puddings Better than all the rest Love to moan Get it off their chest Yorkshire tea only Wholeheartedly With that I agree I’ll tell thee that f’nowt

Elon

Elon If you Musk know We think you’re a tit Light cameras action Full of shit Don’t interfere over ere Civil war is more likely at your front door Twitter Twatter Meaningless pitter patter You’re a mad hatter Musk the maverick Stay put on your side of the pond Pond life is where you’re at Not welcome here Disappear into space Take the twelve pan lids Leave no traces please Need to get a grip Get the snip To tie a knot in it Propagating genes Venting your spleen Will they despise you Like you do your old man Electrifyingly mad Free hate speech So so very sad Sick in the head Reckon your the next Al Fayed Do us a favour Shove your dough where the sun don’t shine Cos you ain’t no brother of mine

Round Here

Got em all round here A right eclectic bunch Bunch of bouncing oddities Buzzard Bob and his wife Sparrow Flowery Fields Little legs walking like there’s no tomorrow How d’ya doers Marrow growers Too many wheelbarrows There’s tons of trees A few miseries Fred Perry Way Hear the cry of new balls please Blossoms at number 1 Big field will soon be gone C’mon girls A.K.A bad hair day Post Office politics Arse biting dogs Owls cut out of logs Andy nobby The local retired busybody Tommy Teslas ten a penny Peter Wright Wright Wright Listen up What’s wrong with being contrite Life is inside out Kids in rooms Middle Ages do they’re thing out and about Just occurred to me There ain’t many black faces in our community To be fair it’s alright round here But somewhat lacking in diversity Some might say a tad twee No asylum seeker No refugee

Let It Be

Hey mush Let it be Why you lob down that bush Looked great Was green and lush Home to birds I'm lost for words Visited by buzzing bees Sanctuary to all and sundry Hush hush Little birdie has just spoken Asked a favour Says your no longer a fit neighbour Wants you to taste your own medicine Now I accept I’m not always right But that fence does look shite Will rot like your brain Goes against the grain Yes indeed Against the creed Brings no joy So let’s get on with the job Time to destroy

Messages To You

This is my message to you Keep your sunny side up My little buttercup Break rules Lighten up This is my message to you Kiss my onions you fool Don’t be a doughnut Always get back up Get yourself out of that rut Don’t run and hide Make you own luck This is my message to you Stop being a stranger Stay away from danger Put your zombie knives away Take a break Have a kitkat Have yourself a holiday This is my message to you Don’t be a Karen Run with it Let it happen Feel the energy The force around you That’s when you’ll be most happy

Say Yes

Do that one thing for me You’ll get the longest kiss in history Do that one thing for me I’ll take thy anywhere for your tea Do that one thing for me You can have my side of the settee Do that one thing for me Go ahead and choose any jewellery Do that one thing for me It will be a privilege and a pleasure to get down on one knee Don’t do that one thing I might hum and sing Be more than average annoying Bark in public Display a permanent cross eyed look Go on a yawning spree Sneeze loud enough to fell a tree Up the ante Head plant my tea Double down Follow you around So what shall it be Do that one thing Or is it over to me

B Is For Blow

Blow me down What ya doin’ We hear you Fucking clown Blowin’ leaves Such a curious thing How am I to do my daily grind With you blowing my mind Deafening decibels all around Rudely awakened Leave us alone Yes quiet please Hypertension in the air Disturbing the peace Not to mention That penis extension Moulded to your hand Waving around at the ground What’s the problem All systems not operational Can’t get a feckin erection Ahh I get it Makes you feel better Like avin’ a massive pecker The only blowie you know Ultimate saddo What a joke Tranquility of solitude violated Blown up in smoke With your two stroke engine Read my lips Must it be Gets right on my pips

Daydreaming

Child in a man’s body Not a single decent bone If only It was alone In a zipped bodybag Never been tight lipped Painting the perfect picture Show me beauty Dead Sea for me Floating face down That I would love to see Runaway rusty oil like slick Dead end for this prick No longer skin in the game No longer drive me insane Went by the name of Tango Boy Had no shame I’d like to ask What was the end game? Soundbites only Spoke a load of baloney What purpose did you serve? He was no Obi Wan Kenobi More Palpatine If one knows what one means Now let grass grow green

Northenders

Chaos reins Fades away Then there you go again I see bedlam ahead The North Enders Born and bred Round and round benders Pantomimes and dramas Wellard at ones side Drinking overdrive All mouth and no ears Off rockers Trash talking Diet of Beta Blockers What did you learn? Tantrums and tears What’s the deal? Time to face fears Screeching fights Frozen in headlights Follow the guiding lights Surrounded by madness What happened to happiness Taking the high ground Counting to ten Seeking future zen den Less Dirty Den No strife Only the simple life

Sign Here

With all due respect I ain’t signing no NDA Do one No way Whatever happened to you know what Jog on Go away Make no mistake I ain’t no renegade Could dish the dirt anytime Unleash that hand grenade Only when the time is right Possibly speak at the end of the week When I’ve got that Friday feeling Disclose Expose You’re not the one to tell me Everyone knows I’m one in a billion Won’t be told Worth my weight in Brink’s-Mat gold My soul is not for sale Be off with ya Will have my say forever and a day No amount of money can buy what I know Buy my name I don’t bow down to you Not anyone Pure and simple Get gone

Bubble Wrapped

Are you self obsessed? More important than the rest? Think so Having put it to the test This is how it goes Listen up mofo’s Don’t you know it’s my show It’s all about me Yeah baby Can’t you see There’s no other way It’s me and me only Not you and yours Hey people There’s not enough hours in a day To be looking my way Cannot wait Get your priorities straight Make a shrine Make it for me Shine that spotlight That’s right Come day or night Shine that spotlight on me Needy as a new born baby I am the limelight

Fag Ash Lil

Bin day Only seems like yesterday Leopard print PJs Fag ash Lil steps out Don’t you just love it The openness is brill The most beautiful thing you will see Takes a front yard seat True definition of not giving a sheet This is life on the front line Like it or lump it What you get is what you see Lights up again And again I’m not trailer trash Like me or not I’m fag ash Lil Life happens out here In this open air theatre Everything we do or say Under dreary skies Watching the world go by Not behind closed doors Only speaking when you’re spoken to There are two sides to a coin A different world to what you know You’re suburban utopia You’re not superior We share the same air We are the masses Front of house brigade Not your lower classes

Roadkill Blues

Welcome to the roadkill cafe You kill it They grill it It’s mad innit In need of a meal Your kinda curb appeal One step closer to the brink Carrion at your side Soon to be extinct What’s to know Let me think Mowed by man’s machine Progress for some Taxidermist daydream Let’s be careful out there On the Hedgehog Highway Head down Hit and run white van Crazed delivery man Ah well What’s done is done Sitting ducks Hit by trucks It’s just how things are Can’t help but stare Double take Seems to be everywhere Did that fox look back Does anyone care

Watch And Learn

There they go again Watch and learn The beautiful people are out and about town That they have no doubt Self proclaimed Spray tan top down No shame Just out there lame Eyelash car crash Mish mash people Pouting lips Clingfilm dress Accentuates a flabby mess False nail fingertips Everybody just follow me Chavtastic Steady on You’re turning semi plastic Sparkling teeth Nothing to talk about Totally empty underneath Empty as space Distorted face Trapped in a beauty rat race Me I don’t give a damn Keeping up with the Kardashian’s You see it’s all a sham Glad rags and designer bags That’s you Well I’ve other stuff to do

Burning Mountains

Don’t you know Deep down below A monster looms One day it’s gonna blow Turn day into night Ain’t that so Ain’t that right Just imagine Magna of such magnitude Super volcano attitude Miles high over sacred land There’s a row going on Right there under feet Mother Nature will someday speak Light the fuse on earth’s crust One final setting sun Where packs roam The eagle soars Land of the burning ground Kaleidoscopic roars

Wizardry

I I’m an early riser Who goes by the name of Tizer Now look into my eyes In thirty seconds flat I’ll hypnotise ya You You can tell it’s me when you’re eyes are shut In the morning you’ll awake Set free from the rat race Innocence reborn Everything in life shall be sublime The new norm Until the end of time I I’m up with the lark Out swimming with sharks Sleep I’ll leave that to the weak Up and at em’ There’s no other way Rain here never stops play ADHD ready steady Twenty things on the go Neurotransmitters flitter Don’t be nervous Apologies if you’ve got the jitters I I’ve got magic inside Xray eyes Nothing surprises me Wizardry comes so naturally I’ve seen it all You You can do what you want to do You were lost Now you’ve come round Free as a bird You’ve been found You shall be heard

Going Going Gone

Uncle Richard’s sold out No surprise there Nothing to write home about The boy done good That much is understood Been on the cards forever and a day Well I have to say Never mind Mattioli Woods Who the fuck are they? Questions of the day Can you still get your Morning Woods? Survive in the Hood Survive on minimum wage Go a round in a UFC cage Come up with something novel on a page Anyway Enough of that bullshit What you gonna do with spondoolies Sort out yours truly Go on a year long bender Take a trip into space Uplift the old face Piss off to Monaco without a trace Could be the way to go Taking a spin down The Avenue Princesse Grace So tell me As you’re offski What about me Am I goosed Is it time to fly home to roost Update the old CV Conjure up a new plan Just saying Tell me straight Need to put food on plates

61

At 61 Old dickie boy ain’t half knocking on Knees are creaking Has to get up three times a night to stop the leaking Trust me he’ll be okay Just needs a bit of tweaking Now he’s off Twitter Got loads of time to get fitter With Mrs B by his side He’s certainly enjoying life’s ride Canvass replaces words A different way to be heard You see Art mirrors the beauty of birds Discovering new places The local history Meeting new faces So many miles to go Before he can’t tie laces Before mccarthy and stone becomes home So my dear friend Keep on keeping on Running life’s steeplechase Shame you can’t get over that final hurdle And beat our Brian at Wordle

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

Blog entries by Richard Tyler

Josh-u-a (26/11/2021)

Protest (26/11/2021)

Mirlees Fields (22/04/2020)

Blog link: https://www.writeoutloud.net/blogs/richardtyler