I bought a pair of bronzes back in ‘62

You couldn’t help but notice they were tight

Better known as drainpipes to me and you

I got them on - they put up quite a fight.

I couldn’t bend, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t run,

You shrunk them in the bath these proto-types

They cost me 10/6 – I was good and done

I confess I looked a twat in my pipes.

 

Salvation was at hand when flower-power

Superseded Rockers, Teds and Mods

With fashions brightly coloured and no longer dour

We didn’t need to fight like silly sods.

My coat proclaimed we were Beautiful People

It stunk like piss, and claimed to be Afghan

Person’lly I blamed it on the Beatles

I confess I looked a twat in my kaftan.

 

Luckily then came along the seventies

With altogether better fashion sense

We didn’t need to love all our enemies

Or burn the joss sticks made of frankincense.

And so I get a pair of Elton’s platform soles

They make me 6 foot nine – or so it feels

I teetered and I tottered round on 6 inch poles

I confess I looked a twat in my heels.

 

Eventually, of course, I came down to earth

I recognised the gross absurdity

They didn’t complement my 42 inch girth

But the next fad fit my belly to a tee.

I refer to kipper ties and those printed shirts

With collars rounded of enormous size

They made the shyest of us into extroverts

I confess I looked a twat in kipper ties.

 

You’ll gather that I’m not really dressy

But a sucker for new fashions like a sponge

But then there came a style much more messy

I really seemed well suited to that Grunge.

I wore my breeches hanging off my lard arse

With my knickers pulled up high folks looked askance

But the label reading “Primark” showed my lack of class

I confess I looked a twat in my pants.

 

It seems to me that fashions simply wax and wane

And all they do’s regurgitate old stuff

The old kit in your wardrobe will come back again

You simply need to keep it long enough

But it always seems to suit the slim and thinnies

And not so much us roly-poly types

When I dug out my 40 year old skinnies

I confess I looked a twat in my pipes.