THE AUSSIE POMM.

Now, as you all know ladies. When a new mans in your life.
You groom your airs and graces to portray the perfect wife.
We are all so very concious of the things you musnt show.
Be discreet and feminine,  that's all he needs to know.
Now I know that all you ladies have to have all things just right. 
Especially on your wedding day and more so WEDDING NIGHT.
Well, it just so happens, so did I. Id got it to a tee.
But forgot about those in-case bits, if I sneezed and dribbled pee!
Well my lovely man, he said just chill and nipped out to the shop.
Well hurry dear I whispered. Off you go, quick smart chop chop.
The house was full of guests some of which I did'nt know
All dressed up in best attires. Shirts and dickie bows
Three best men in penguin suits. Jerry, Dan and Lee.
Drinking beers and shots galore yet the weddings not till three.
Of course I hid away outback, away from prying eyes.
They mus'nt see the bride just yet. My dress, the big surprise.
My hair was done and the make up sat quite tidy on me face
The only thing was missing was my sanitary pad in place.
Without delay an arm appeared which clutched a pad or two.
Take your pick he said quite loud. Ive brought you quite a few.
I grabbed just one and slid it quick on the gusset of me knicks
Discreet and out of sight I'll say. A safe and sure quick fix.
I pulled me knicks up swift and fast and tucked me bits in tight. 
Then gazed into the mirror noting yep, that looks just right
I stepped into me wedding dress and pulled it over thighs
Once in place, the only thing was to tie up all the ties.
I have to say myself with smile that Id brushed up just a treat. 
A perfect little princess for when I do my meet and greet.
The guests were all now leaving yet the best men stayed on drinking.
I knew me man bought too much grog. Lord knows what he was thinking.
As I turned to grab me flowers. I felt the urge to sneeze.
And as I did, a warming dribble, trickled to me knees.
Bouquet in hand. Distressed and shocked and reddened in me face.
How could this all have happened with a sanitary pad in place?
I gathered up the ruffles of me dress and flowing train
And squatted quickly on the loo to let the rest all drain.
Yet below, it felt perculiar, so I took a sneaky peek.
There was nothing sitting in me knicks to stop the frigging leak.
I slipped me hands between me legs and patted in a huff.
And to my horror. There it was. Sticking to me fluff!
Well I took the corner gently to slowly pull it free.
To find the little flattened bugger stuck on dear to me.
I tried to wiggle it around. I pulled and tugged about.
But the bastard stuck stead fast ill say. Nearly turning me inside out.
I felt each hair a stretching. The bloody sticky thing.
One by one the hairs popped out.
Ping ping ping ping ping
You ok he bellowed. I thought I'd heard a scream?
Im fine I growled through gritted teeth. My ears now blowing steam.
The door began to open and his head popped through the gap.
He's gonna see me in this state. Oh shit and holy crap.
He took one look. His eyes were like two pickles on a fork.
It's stuck I cried. The pains  so bad. I cannot even talk!
I slowly pointed to the place that was causing my mishap
And sobbed allowed as I dribbled snot  Its stuck to my pissflap!
He looked again between my legs then looked straight back at me
You need to open wider as I'm stuggling to see..
Kneel down I sobbed through puckered lips as I took his ears in hand.
Now you see me predicament. You must now understand?
Tis the pad you must have bought me,  for dryness through the day.
The little bugger wont let go. I feel it's here to stay.
Let me try he said concerned. And placed his hands between
And pulled it just an inch or two. I let out such a scream.
He then retorted. Get undressed and quickly have a shower. 
Dont be stupid I replied. We get married in an hour.
Theres something stopping its release. Hang on. I'll call for Jerry.
WTF i growled and snarled.
It's glued firm to my cherry.
Hang on he said. Ill try some cream. It will surley help to wet it..
And off he scampered quickly. I'm sure to go and get it.
Here he said with squinting eyes. Ill dab it on real quick.
I'll make sure that I spread it round. Evenly yet thick.
Well I felt me flaps begin to clap. He asked "Are you alreet"?
My eyes bounced out their sockets. It smelt just like DEEP HEAT!
My face felt all contorted. My body went in shock.
If hed stepped a few steps closer I'd have kicked him in his c.........rikey
grab ahold I screamed. No time for more delay.
Yank it hard with all your might  whilst I sit and hope and pray.
I have no memory of what happened next, I do recall a shout.
Hubby said. He's not surprised. I suddenly past out.
Surprisingly the day went well. Although I dont recall
The marraige cert is in a frame and hanging on the wall.

I do have flashbacks now and then. They've never been that soothing
Especially with the knowledge now that the pad was for hair removing.