Comments
Hello Nash. Like the title, "Your surveillance equipment" is clever and "Dust colliding"is sublime, well, the whole of that verse is pretty good. Wonder if you could finish on heartbeat, final verse isn't adding that much, I don't think.Do you mean to separate "star" and "ing"? There's enough surprises without that. Good poem.
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Nash
Mon 10th May 2010 20:53
Thanks Ray. I will definitely have a think about the 'heartbeat' comment, you may be onto something there. The separation of 'staring' is a nod to the mersey poets who are particular favourites of mine, it's not meant as a surprise as such, just to draw your eye back to it to accentuate the meaning of the word. A cheap trick, but I like it. Glad you like though and thanks again for your very constructive comments. Much appreciated, Nash