Ray Miller

Ray - I don't want your suggestions. She was dying while I was writing this, and died before it was finished. Out of all the poems I have written since you've been off the boards you chose this one to comment on? It hasn't got a title because I'm too fucking heartbroken to think of one.

I'll hold back on what I really want to say to you but congratulations on winning 'the most tactless twat' award.

Howdy Ray

I applied a couple of your suggested edits to 'Jack's Alright', and Poetry24 have just published it, so thank you for your suggestions :)

I removed the 'ing' from 'slander', and the 'But' from the start of one of the lines :)

Ta la!

Thank you Ray - will edit and update - I know what you mean about the "bold" bit, I got stuck there - need to revisit it! Katy

Hello Ray
Thanks for you thoughts on "Sonnet 18".
I posted this comment myself on the poem's page in the hope of getting some help with my difficulty.

Ray raises a good point about "he may splash out on as he's read". I agree that it isn't quite right although "when he's read" doesn't do it either. This would mean he's splashing out on his dirty book after he's read it. I'm trying to burn both ends of the pun ("splashed out" = spent money and ejaculated); so clearly he'd have spent money on it before he's read it.
I'm struggling to get these concepts in 10 iambic syllables. Any suggestions would be helpful.
In contrast, I'm happy with my original "wife-man's nagging" rather than "wife's man-nagging". "Wife-man/men" was the forebear of "woman/women".

Hi Sid Thanks for comms on Bastille poem. Never thought about the 'hers' - I'll have a think about it!

Hi Sid, thks for the suggestions re Lumb Bank. Win

Thanks for your comment on Small Talk, Sid. Yes I think I will probably tweek that now line - probably just get rid of the word - I'll see how I feel after performing it tonight.

I see you've been scribbling again - will take a peek when I'm feeling more up to critique - leaving comments can be quite a draining process when you really think about what you are writing.

Hi Sid,
Had to look twice there - like the name -incognito in your Holt. Thanks for comment in another life. Dompy is to Compy as Dumpty is to Humpty. Whimsical I suppose.
Dave

Sid,
Glad you liked "Cat nap". I realise how poor it is in relation to the original.

Thanks Sid I appreciate your comments observations.

cheers Mike

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on 'Grandad', Sid - I admire your work so it's good to hear your feedback.

It's always interesting, seeing what others make of your stuff. I'd never even considered the title might be distressing. But...no...it doesn't bother me, I like the extra level of interpretation, in fact.

However, I was considering changing it cos I thought it signified the relationship too clumsily. Do you think a simple 'Seamus Rimer' would be better, or worse?

Mmmm...do you mean out of place sonically? I wanted to signify many colours of conversation, lots of ground covered, and of course, the storytelling/fantastic element to the whole thing too.

And it WAS originally 'at 84' - but I wanted to have the ambiguity of him living at number 84, and/or being the age of 84. So I'll leave that as it is.

What about the italicisation of that middle section? Seem okay to you? I wanted it to come across as flashback, but am questioning whether it's really necessary now.

Sid, thanks for your comments on Malcolm's Memorial Walk, which has given me the opportunity to look at your work. I really admire it. Greg

Hello Sid - quick note to say that I am really enjoying your poems on here :) thanks for posting them!

Sid, thanks for picking up the comma error. It was meant to be as changed now. Bargee isn't a typo though (a barge worker/owner).
Many thanks for the kind comments.

Graham

Hi Sid - welcome to WOL. Great poems!