Lil Ray of Sunshine

Yeah it's been longer than a minute,
so i gotta let this go,
everything that i've kept in,
these words ready to flow.
As much as i speak,
little did you ever know,
that this lil ray of sunshine turned into a pitchblack soul.
I remember a few years ago I preached a lot,
I had some words of wisdom so I shared my thoughts.
I preached about loyalty , respect and gangsta etiquette,
i preached about pickn ur battles, no time for irrelevance.
I spoke on a few things that I've learned along the way,
so that the next person knows what to expect when they have that day.
I was happy n shiny .
I felt as if I was all sparkly to the world.
I never hated on the next
but I intimidated many girls.
I wasn't one of a kind,
I was once in a lifetime,
the most different chic you'd ever meet, and the one that always crossed your mind.
I was wild and free,
I guess I was just a lonely queen.

So I switched it all up,
fell in love and ran with that.
Almost 3 years later and I wish I could just go back
to the independent woman that I was, momma raised me like that,
didn't think the day would come,
I'd feel like id go back like that.
But i'm not the person i once was before finally gave away my heart ,all of it, down to the core,
and i figured it would be cherished and TAKEN,
but it's been far from that,
i obviously was mistaken,
i love him with everything i fkn had
the best times are when we're good
, so i never mind the bad,
they said don't ever give someone everything that u have,
cuz there's always that chance that person cant unconditionally love all of that.
And i honestly felt like i spoke that to existence,
i lost my best friend ,
my man my soulmate and my nigga.
I never felt pain this bad in my whole life
, it's like he didnt turn on me,
it hurts like he fkn died.
And honestly in these last days he's what kept me alive,
cuz this lil ray of sunshine,
hurt so deep it took my life
. And i held on to the special feeling,
that fkn magic that we shared,
it was something that never left me
, it always fkn there,
id cry all the fkn time as we fight, chingasos and pulling hair
but i'd stare at him deep , tears steady flowing cuz that magical feeling was lingering around me everywhere
. But I had to come to terms that he forgot n no longer even cared,
willing to lose the love that had us at the edge of our chair,
smiling and laughing, spreading good vibes in the air.

The day we had our wedding was one of the best days of our lives,
I was the happiest woman ever,
I officially became his wife.
That day he was the best man I've ever had in my whole life
, and so I vowed to him I'd be there through it all .
even through the struggles and strife.
And I kept my word,
I never folded on my love,
I stayed solid as a rock,
and with him I just couldn't get enough
, I loved him everyday with everything I was made of.
I loved him unconditionally and that's where I fkd up.
Cuz now I'm sitting here barely fkn breathing
and he's just waiting for the day I stop staying and start leaving.
But i know when i do i won't ever again need him
and idk if im ready to leave my husband behind
and if i said i don't love him anymore then i would be lying.
Even though it's getting closer to the end and anybody would have already been done. I'm just here taking it day by day
one by one,
n it's getting a little easier every single day , I'm getting closer n closer to leaving it all n walking away.
Im literally hanging on to the rest
of what i have in faith,
jesus please take the wheel,
in God's name, now i pray??