We really did have a pet caiman called “Snappy”, although “pet” is a bit strong; it didn’t come when you whistled or fetch sticks.  And “we” was my brother-in-law.  But it really did live in a tank in our front room and stopped passers-by in their tracks.

It was about 3 feet long when we gave it to Flamingoland, with half its length being tail.

We fed it on raw meat but, from time to time, on live mice.  This was because a constant diet of dead meat led to calcium deficiency in its bones.  This was evident when we took him out of his tank for a run around our front room carpet, although “run around” overcooks it a bit.  He could barely walk.  Having supported 1/5 of his bodyweight in water it was a bit of a shock to him to find he weighed 5 times as much out of it; imagine you trying to run around your front room carrying a Fiat Punto.  Hence the need for the calcium-rich fluffies like day-old chicks and mousies.

And you’d think the spectacle of eating one would carry a gory attraction in the way that I guess bullfighting does for some.  But it didn’t.

The mouse would sit on a rock in the water mooching about while Snappy stalked it underwater with just his nostrils protruding.  Slowly.  And I mean slowly.  After watching nothing happen for 10 minutes you got bored and succumbed to the alternative attraction of The “A” Team.  You’d glance back 10 minutes later to see that it had moved a foreleg 2 inches.  This continued a long, long while.

When you’d given up any interest you’d suddenly hear a commotion to see Snappy flurrying over and over in its death roll.  And no sign of the mouse.

Eventually, my brother-in-law had to get rid of it when a Dangerous Animals Act was introduced requiring licensing and insurance, neither of which he could afford.

Snappy’s added value wasn’t worth it.

 

Hark at this!  How’s this for style?

We used to have a crocodile;

Strictly speaking, it’s a caiman

But “crocodile” will do for laymen;

Irascible, a sullen chappy

Predictably we called him “Snappy”;

He lived inside a 6 foot tank

With water in; he never sank;

The tank was in our best front room

Back-lit with blue to break the gloom;

Passers-by would stop and stare

And not because my bum was bare;

They gawped inside to watch it feed

As Snappy did his gruesome deed;

The spectacle was not so nice –

We had to feed him with live mice;

We placed it on a little stone

The crowd outside would gasp and moan

As Snappy slowly stalked his prey

Imperceptibly, I’d say;

Then quicker than the eye could see

The mouse was gone for Snappy’s tea.

 

You may think I’m kidding you

But, honestly, this story’s true.

But things don’t always go as planned

Now Snappy’s at Flamingoland.