Hi all,

I thought I'd add a quick note, with this being my first blog entry.

I specalise in poems of extreme gormlessness, and wrote my first one after getting into John Cooper Clarke back in 1991. A few years later, in 1993, I saw JCC live in my hometown of exotic Bolton, supported by the legendary Hovis Presley. I enjoyed his set as much as JCC's, and bought a copy of his book, Poetic Off-Licence.

After living in London for 8 years, I moved back to Bolton, and found out that Hovis was a friend of an old school pal. We were introduced and became friends. I'd just started gigging on the stand-up comedy circuit, and used to include a couple of poems in my set. Hovis found out I had ME, and mentioned that he had another friend with the same disability. He frequently organised charity gigs in Bolton, and set one up to in aid of the local ME Association. He asked me to do a spot at the gig, and we ended up gigging together quite often after that. I didn't include any poems in the set at first, because although Hovis was always friendly, encouraging and down to earth, I was a big fan of his poetry, and wanted to leave that side of things to the master! 

Hovis set up a regular gig at  the Balmoral pub, which was always great fun, and usually featured a mix of comedy, poetry and music. We also ended up doing on a bill together in a bistro in Leigh, which had a regular monthly night - that was a bit surreal, each comedian standing a few feet away from the diners, doing our sets while they scoffed their grub! I'd just recorded a self-financed comedy CD and was about to try to launch it, so, out of the blue, Hovis asked the bistro owner, "Can we take over your bistro next Thursday and launch his CD?" 

Sure enough, we went back the following week, and had a great night, all thanks to Hovis. There were a couple of poems on the CD, and I gradually worked up the nerve to let Hovis have a look at some of the stuff I'd written, and started putting one or two in my stand-up sets. He suggested I self-publish a book, and told me how he'd gone about putting Poetic Off-Licence together. He was incredibly supportive of up and coming comedians and poets, and I remember he had the amazing Thick Richard on at what I think would have been some of their first gigs (there used to be two of them!), at the Balmoral and elsewhere.

After doing stand-up for almost two years pretty solidly, I had to stop due to the ME getting worse. Hovis would still ring up every so often, and the last time I saw him I was about to move to Lancaster, having recently met my future wife. I was in a mad rush, but we stopped and chatted briefly, and I said I'd send him an invite to the wedding, which was scheduled for later in the year. Sadly, a couple of months later, the same mutual pal who introduced us called to say that Hovis had passed away. 

I had to bow out of the comedy scene, but occasionally did local nights in Lancaster (including the wonderful Spotlight monthly gigs in Lancaster, and at the West End Playhouse in Morecambe), and I kept on writing gormless poems. A friend of mine who I met when we both worked in the Bolton branch of Waterstones years ago, is an excellent illustrator, and has a simlar sense of humour, so I asked if she fancied illustrating a few of my poems, with a view to possibly self-publishing a book at some point, as Hovis had suggested years before. 

On World Poetry Day back in March this year, I shared a video of the poem below on Facebook as a one-off, and thankfully people said they'd enjoyed it, and asked if I'd post more. Lockdown had just started, so I had plenty of time, and added another poem the week after, and I found that focusing on coming up with regular gibberish to post helped me to try to stay positive during the lockdown. I went through the bits and pieces I'd written over the last few years, and wrote some new ones. By that point, my illustrator pal had come up with quite a few pictures that really brought the poems to life, so on the off chance, I approached a chap I'd met on Facebook through the comedy circuit, who runs a small (but perfectly formed!) publishing company, and also happens to be a fellow ME sufferer.  I asked if he might be interested in publishing a book of gormless gibberish by a completely unknown poet  (hell of a sales pitch, eh?) and he asked me to send a few examples of what we'd come up with.

Surprisingly, he was interested and said he'd be happy to publish something. i was gobsmacked, but very happy and thankful, and it's now out, dedicated to Hovis Presley of course, and with a percentage from every book going to the ME Association. 

So, for my first blog on here, I'd like to share a poem based on the old Northern sweary expression bloody Nora, which to me, sound like an old lady who's become a serial killer. And the name Nora always makes me think of the nit nurses who used to come round schools, all referred to as Nitty Nora, the bug explorer. I've put  those two ideas together to bring you....

The Ballad of BLOODY NORA!!

Nasty notions nag within the noggin of old nit nurse Nora

After fifty years of scalp surveillance, she could stand no more

Her sanity was slowly stolen by insomnia (her husband was a snorer)

Criminally insane would be the best description for her

 

For decades, the kids’ nit discomfort really got her goat,

But now the goat’s been sacrificed  - she’s flipped and slit its throat

She doesn’t blame the children, gives discreet shampoo, no shame,

It’s crystal clear in Nora’s eyes - The parents are to blame!

 

With meat cleaver in hand, she now begins her killing spree

“You filthy gits have all got nits as far as I can see!”

See her bulging egg-eyed glare, she’s deadly as a rabid stoat

Nora’s nit cure is simple –  cuts your hair off at the throat

 

Her rampage knows no limits as she tears across the nation

Septuagenarian serial killer seeks to spread decapitation

From town to town she travels, in her mobile home, a tourer

She’s still at large - pray you don’t face the blade of

BLOODY NORA!!

 

Oh, and if anyone's interested, the book is out now, it's called GORMLESS and it's available from this link

https://www.chinbeardbooks.com/apps/webstore/products/show/8155538

 

Thanks for reading, and stay safe! Cheers, Rich