She's not my first love, but she is my first attachment. I can't help the fact that I constantly fall in love with the idea of people, but this time is different. I'm not in love with the idea, I'm in love with her. Genuinely, honestly, completely in love with her. 

The whole situation is foreign to me. She says she loves me and I whole-heartedly believe her. I've never taken anyone serious when they say the words "I love you." I always thought that love was never permanent and it was just temporary. But when she says it, I think she really means it.

It's such a beautiful yet terrifying thing. Because as much as I resisted getting attached, I still failed to keep my distance. And I want to be comfortable and open with her, but what if I'm too much to deal with? They say not to think about the "what if" scenarios, but they cloud my head. I'm fragile, I'm naive, and I keep my heart on my sleeve. I never had the capability of not showing all my emotions. 

What if I'm too simple and she gets bored? What if I'm too inconsistent for her? What if I'm too sensitive for her to handle? What if my insecurities scare her away? What if I need too much reassurance? What if she doesn't like the fact that I write so much about her? What if she gets tired of my constant deep messages? What if she gets sick of being there for me?

I ask for distance when I'm sad because I don't want to make her feel drained. But what if that pushes her away? What if I don't communicate with her well enough? What if me saying to do what makes her happy comes off wrong? What if I say sorry too much?

I'm an exhausting person to associate with and I know it. I just want to be my best for her and I already feel like I'm failing at it. Perhaps, this is just another one of my curses that I'll have to endure.