12/16/2020

I am not your worth or your dependency
I am not leniency to justify your overwhelming emotions, your needs
Don't put your weight on me, to be superhuman, to fix all your stressors, your drowning emotions, to hold yourself up in the dark, dark ocean
I have held my own body up for countless years, sunken, and risen up again and all that with the help of no one, especially a man
Do not look to me for your comfort, your security
I tell you my story but with such grace and calmness it flows in one ear and out of the other
Because I tell my story after I have cried, screamed, silently died in a public crowd of people, after I have dealt and thought and wrote and prayed and stared blankly at this apartment wall waiting for the tears to come when they would no longer come
When I felt like a robot, not even a human because suddenly emotions and tears seemed so fake, so human, plastic, something God gave us to let out that aching in our souls to pity us into feeling like we have some kind of release, to get past it
But really the soul has its own release and depths and size
Tears were given to us by God as part of his mercy
And you don't see that part of me when I am telling my story
Get your gnawing, digging anchor out of my back
I'm sick, I'm tired and I just can't handle that
At an awakening in my life, a line, a change - treading the fine line of having compassion but not letting you think! That you can unload all your depressed thoughts and heart ache and loneliness on me!
I am a WOMAN, I am a HUMAN. 
Praying for someone to take care of ME. Praying to lie my head down on my pillow at night and not have to second guess, not have to think - is there anyone I can come to who will care or support ME.
I am a WOMAN, I am a HUMAN.
Roaring and tearing apart your blind sight and selfish comments
How dare you overlook me, how dare you look to me to validate you
Do not touch me, do not belittle me
You see calm, you see wise, you see happiness and hope inside of my eyes
Because God has blessed me with a dependency on him and compassion for you

But I am a Woman and I am a Human. 

Not a release for you to come to when you've had enough, I've dealt with my trials, now it's your turn