SURGERY INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Your surgery has been scheduled for D-Day, 600 hours. 

     We attack at Dawn!  (bring brain with you.)

 2) Arrive at the Hospital - Outpatient services Center at 5am so you don't miss the boat.  Be in full battle dress with live ammo.

3) If you use Marijuana please bring some with you.  We will not provide it for you. If you need help with this matter, we can provide you with the name of a dealer.

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 Instructions regarding food/drink:

Your last solid food should be a week before surgery. DO NOT complain or we will make it hard on you. We have long needles and sharp scalples and are not afraid to use them.

You may drink up to 20 ounces total of black coffee, water, or Old Crow Bourbon Whiskey up to two hours prior to surgery. The drunker you are the better.

Alcohol is a great anesthesia and that way we don't have to sedate you and waste a good hose.

If you are diabetic you may have up to 2 lbs.of pure cane sugar up to two hours prior to surgery. This will help you get your blood sugar up.

You may brush your teeth if you still have some.

You may gargle the morning of your surgery, as long as it's not too loud.

 

Do not chew gum, mints or tobacco. DO NOT smoke and do not spit in urinals.

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 Instructions regarding preparation:

- Shower or bath at least a week before the morning of your surgery. You may wear deoderant.  I take that back, you MUST wear deoderant. We hate smelly corpses.

 - DO NOT wear any make-up, especially if you are a man.

Also, no jewelry, lotions, creams, perfumes, or dark nail polish the day of surgery.

Wearing dark nail polish will automatically disqualify you from surgery.

-Bring money to the hospital and turn over to our staff at the check-in desk. Also turn in your cell phone, your check book and your credit cards at this time.

Our staff is not salaried and work on theft only.

 - You will need to remove contact lenses, dentures, hair pins, wigs and artifical limbs prior to surgery. Hearing aids may not be worn either. We don't want you hearing us laughing at you during surgery.

 - Notify your physician immediately if you should develop a cold, a cough, flu-like symptoms or any other disease including Black Lung, Leprosy or Syphilis.

-Wear a mask at all times.  Even during surgery.  We are not that concerned about You but our maintenance people are our main priority.  They have enough to do as it is, and are sick and tired of cleaning up after sick people.

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 Instructions regarding family members and/or so-called friends:

 One family member or friend may stay with you in the surgery waiting room where they will wait while you are in surgery and have a fun time eating snacks and flirting with each other over coffee.  Many couples meet for the first time in our Waiting room.  They later run off together and totally forget about the patient/loved one.

If you are scheduled to stay overnight or longer after surgery, you will be taken to the prison cell at a local jail until the time comes for your release. Your family meanwhile, can get a room at the Motel 6 right across the street.

-Please make arrangements for a responsible adult to drive you home. If you do not know a responsible adult, you can hire one at the Valet station located out front.

This is necessary because the effects of general anesthesia remain with you approximately 24 days following surgery. If rigor mortis sets in, you will be released early and given a free ride home in our company hearse.

No Children under the age of 12 are allowed in the Surgery Waiting Room. In fact no children are allowed, period. If you have children, please leave at the closest post office the day of surgery. They will eventually be returned to you.

Check your mail box.

We will call you the day after surgery because we have nothing else to do. We get bored on this job and enjoy visiting with someone we just took apart.

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 A parent or guardian must accompany all minors. All minors must be in handcuffs. With leg-irons.

 All minors should follow food/drink instructions. Do not bring Pizza or tacos to the operating room. It creates a feeding frenzy and distracts the surgeon.

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For Patients on medication:

Hold all Heroin, Mescaline, Meth, and Mushrooms until brought back to your room. 

We hope these instructions help.We also hope you actually read them.Believe me, we don't like this any more than you do.

Our only salvation is, we get to go home at 5pm, whereas YOU will have to stay in ICU for 5 days to recover from what we just did to you.

Good luck and thanks for shopping MD's Are Us!