6/20/2020

Standing outside of my body, standing watching her. She is there but her eyes are worn and she cooks to keep busy now. She feels unlike herself, like she is outside of herself. Some coping mechanism, some kind of choking going on underneath would be the better definition.
She has gotten use to accepting these things more quickly than others but has not yet come to terms with just how much addiction she has left behind with this man. 
He lulls her to sleep at night and wakes her in the sunlight with kisses on her face. He greets her with love at the end of the day, he meets her needs. The cooking only started because she decided this man was worthy to feed. 
He is breaking and she is faking like she is strong enough to process all the emotions, she is on her way to falling back down into the ocean.
He gives her no reason to let go, her heart says no, her soul fights not to let go.

Standing outside of my body, standing watching her. She is there but her eyes are worn and now she sits down to pray, she is uncertain what to say. Part of her wants to pick up and go and part of her wants to stay.
She has always longed to have someone follow her and beg for her presence. Because of how many times she has put herself last, because of how many times she has came to rescue the ones who have turned their backs. Because she is always the one aching, crying alone on the floor. Because despite what has happened to her over and over she always takes a chance and unlocks the door.

Standing outside of my body, standing watching her. She is there but her eyes are worn and she opens a bottle of wine. Throughout the day she repeats to herself "Everything will be just fine". 
Looking back on everything that has happened in her life, she questions how she has been able to fight. Is she really here in the present or is she just following a ritual to get to the next day. 
Pretending like something will be different one day.
She takes a pill to help her sleep and tucks her arms into her body, a familiar position of just you and me. Me and myself. 

Standing outside of my body, standing watching her. She is there but her eyes are worn and she can hardly keep them open from the stress she's carried in her eyebrows. Hoping each night that this girl can wake up and sink her soul into the comfort of this man.