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Broken Dreams

Thursday 8th July 2010 2:18 pm

It was unexpected,

that morning when you left.

The sun shone strongly

through the pane,

my pain shattering the silence

of the emptiness you dropped me in,

bereft.

A morning moon still in

the sky would not let me rest

from the ignorance

of last night,

false bliss, false peace

as you slept and lied your love upon

my breast.

Your blithe departure made

a mockery of the crimson tears

that fell behind your back

as you dimmed

from my life and from my story,

from the accolade of our great tale,

our years.

I sat there for an age

and watched the passing of the season

from the cold comfort of

my blanket,

still warm against the frost of

my heart, beating without trust, without

reason.

With numb limbs I gathered

myself, icy thoughts placing my bids

and leaving me wishing

for escape.

With broken dreams I lay four bowls,

four plates and wondered, what do I tell

the kids?

www.thewitchingpen.co.uk

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Comments

Lynn Dye

Fri 9th Jul 2010 21:18

I find this very moving, Dianna, and very well put. IMO you are right not to alter a thing. Best Wishes, Lynn x

<Deleted User> (8408)

Thu 8th Jul 2010 21:10

Hi All, thanks all so much for your comments, which are very much appreciated.

Marianne, thank you for sharing how to felt about the poem - I always look to leave an imprint on the heart.

Andy, glad you liked it. To answer your question, in every stanza, the last line is made up of 3 syllables (as is the first line made up of 6, etc), which is part of the reason the last sentence is split into two lines. But it also gives the reader that extra millisecond of a pause before realising the enormity of what the lady of the piece has just lost.

Ray, many thanks for your thoughts. To answer your questions, "The accolade of our great tale..." - is not every relationship that you've devoted your heart to the greatest tale in the world? :o) In this lady's case, it was. The line is intended to give the reader the impression that these two have a real history together which has now been tossed aside. "Icy thoughts placing my bids..." - similar to placing your bets: she has just managed to get herself out of bed and her first, slightly less numb thoughts, are to do with the possible outcome(s) of her future - she has begun to place her bids on her future, because essentially, it's now "up for sale". It's okay if the reader doesn't get it straight away... or even at all. I like my poems to have some form of ambiguity so that it can be debated over - 'though, I've just sort of given this one away :o)

Cynthia - I'm glad you felt the mood of the poem was captured well and thanks for your thoughts.

I'll be to visit all of your blogs over the next few days - please bear with me, my 14 month old demands a lot of my time - rightly so!

Kind Regards,

Dianna x

Ray Miller

Thu 8th Jul 2010 20:36

I like the rhyming scheme and these end lines in particular:
of the emptiness you dropped me in,
bereft.
as you slept and lied your love upon my breast.
But I think a few lines let it down: the accolade of our great tale. Bit overblown?
icy thoughts placing my bids? It rhymes with kids but I'm not sure of the meaning.
Enjoyed the poem.

Andy N

Thu 8th Jul 2010 15:55

I really enjoyed this Dianna..

It's a really powerful piece that for me seems to lose it's way a little during the last stanza which is a shame as there is still a lot of power in the piece and i like the last line 'what do I tell
the kids?' (Not sure why this split this onto two lines however).

Like Cynthia says, I look forward to more of your works.

Excellent.

Cynthia Buell Thomas

Thu 8th Jul 2010 15:31

You've captured a strong mood of unexpected betrayal and shock reaction. Among many fine images 'a morning moon still in the sky ...' is really good, as is 'your blithe departure...' and the final idea 'I lay four bowls ......' For me, the poem seems a bit too wordy. I think it would be even more gut-wrenching if it didn't slip into a plaintive tone. For example: 'I laid four bowls and wondered, what do I tell the kids.' IMO 'wondered' isn't powerful enough, and adding 'four plates' drains the impact of the trauma.
I also look forward to more works.

Marianne Louise Daniels

Thu 8th Jul 2010 14:55

beautiful..the tone slows you down until you are left frozen in bewilderment, thinking about the task at hand in the final stanza. look forward to reading more of your work.

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