4/20/21

The dim glow - no the bright glow - of the light outside my window.
That's all I've gotten to know. 

There's a lizard now that sleeps on the outside of my porch now, here every night. 
I hate lizards but now I'm wondering tonight, where is it?

3 years ago I thought I'd be here.
1 year ago I thought I wouldn't. 
Today I see I am.

27 years old, I know I'm young but 2 years ago I though I'd found the one.

Many times I've thought I found the one and many times I realized I didn't find the one. 

Coming to conclusions that maybe love is just some illusion, I'm coming to some conclusion. My mind is elusive. Is that the word? 

Who cares. 

I'm afraid that the old me that made it so easy for so many men of my past to fall in love with me is no longer here.
But she was also the one who, it seems, was so easy to leave and so easy to break - so maybe she was never really loved at all.

Terrifying. 

While I'm mourning for the loss of someone who believed in love and unconditional hope, belief and trust until proven otherwise - I'm hoping some time in the future I can bloom and grow into some better version of myself. 
Someone who can believe in love again, someone who some man could love again - or for the first time. 
Even the me changed, even the less lighthearted me.

For now I do feel, as they say, broken and scarred and most days these days like I cannot rise back up in the morning. 

Maybe the old me just wasn't lovable enough.

Maybe God can mold me into a lovely being. 

But for now there's a light with bright glow right outside my window but I have plans to buy a home, plans to maybe drop it all and move to Hawaii - who knows, plans to pursue God in ways I never have, plans to fall - completely - apart and be put back together again in a way I have never lived.

And I trust God's process, as low and unworthy as I feel. 
Many times I have fallen down but only this time I cannot get back up.

The only way to rise up is to let God put his hands on my life and drive.