6/16/21

Do you remember the time that night you told me to get out of your house as I stood in a towel fresh out of the shower. Wet hair and so ashamed and degraded that the man I thought Loved me would order me out.

Or the time you almost called me a...

The time you yelled at me holding the light in the ceiling until my arms ached.

The time you left me alone at the wedding and alone in the cold car with no keys in Michigan, a dead phone, no idea where you were, and no way home at night 

The time I cried 

The time I cried 

The time I cried 

The times I hit myself in the bathroom, or did you notice.

When you called me vile

When you yelled and screamed because I broke your dearest item cleaning your home, more dear to you than me, it seems

The time you got out of my bed and slept on the floor because your anger with me disgusted you so bad 

The time you told me "no other girl I've been with has ever had that problem"

The times you broke my heart and I put it back together again, breaking a heart doesn't always mean an end.

Because over our time together you broke it repeatedly, made me feel less of woman as I tried to do everything a woman might be called to do...

Like cook and clean for you, present with dreams of being a Godly woman and bearing children with you 

The above I tried to do and only when I started pursuing the dream of becoming a Godly woman did God pull me right away from you.

Do you remember these times, flashbulb memories in your mind?

If I could allow you to be me in those times...sometimes I wonder if you could understand how some days it feels like trauma to my mind.

It's so much trauma to my mind and although I pray all the time I don't think I've all forgiven you for those memories.

I do pray to forgive you lots of nights but I guess it's just gonna take some time

I hope you'll remember my curled up body in your bed crying..or not crying because you numbed my heart up real good, me with my back to you in the chair outside, me halfheartedly reading my Bible, me holding your puppy who became mine, me in a t shirt and Calvin Klein, me trying to grow flowers in your yard, me excited to spend time with you until I saw your sad face after work.

I bet you didn't know how I anxiously rushed home from, what was sometimes an 80 minute drive, from work to cook a meal that appeared I had the whole day to cook. Just so you would have a hot meal waiting when you got home and me showered and singing to some music like I had my head all together. 

 The me trying so hard to warn you that I was falling apart.

I just hope some day you'll see me as a human, I never felt like a human for you.

I hope I will forgive you, I pray you understand but I wish no ill will to you and pray for your happiness.

So maybe after all I've forgiven you but just never really forgotten.