love feels like cold jealousy. 
sitting across from one another. 
the table could be worlds and oceans. 
i sting with furious stomach churning envy. 
snakes and beetles scurrying between my legs. 
closed and rotten now i know what i do. 
she is so much younger than i,
the times my time was always first, 
no longer exists. 
she broke a cycle as old as i, and therefor 
as old as my time. 
i shake with green bottled eyes. 
emeralds dance in my brain. 
my embarrassment is obvious,
she knows. i know. 
i thought i knew. 
never ever was she the first to cross a picket. 
now she who sits opposite me. 
with my laptop blaring, my hands twitching and picking. 
she laughs dazed and ditsy with memories. 
boys boys boys. 
she laughs. 
i grimace, groan, growl. 
how can i begin to rest my fainting mind. 
burdened with my young sisters truth. 
how can i sit with my back to the radiator without my hand burning. 
how do i catch mama’s eyes without leaking. 
the competition she and i were born into,
had a secret level, one i was aware of, 
but one i assumed had my name already won. 
i assume and i assume and i lie in my bed. 
wrought with hateful, disgusting thoughts.