On a trip to Africa, hunting a ‘scoop’, I investigated a so-called saintly woman,
regarded by her parishioners as ‘Marvellous’ Mary, who’d left a comfortable life in
the USA to join a monk called Pronsias at his charitable institute.

Her sponsors, a conservationist called Bashful Brook and the US president, Harold Calhoun,
accompanied by his accountant, Murgatroyd ‘Money Mad’ Macroon,
would visit every year without fail, and in her cups Mary would mutter about ‘blackmail’.

So, after gaining an audience with her mentor – the above mentioned monk –­
I heard him tell his ‘disciple’ Dolores’ 'true' story,
and discovered my subject was not entirely worthy of praise – in fact her story of innocence stunk,
but I also learned that God truly does work in mysterious ways.

MANY YEARS AGO:
A YOUNG woman collapsed from exhaustion, wishing she hadn’t come to Africa,
then, as if moved by miraculous inspiration, stood up and sang Abide With Me, her grandmother’s favourite.

‘If only I’d heeded Larry, my childhood sweetheart, who scoffed at my ambition to be an erotic actress in an arty film,’
mused the distressed traveller, ‘he warned me about consorting with that director who promised he
could get me a bit part – I ended up baring my bum in a cold studio in Fulham.

‘Then there was the deep sea diver ‘Shine with Brine’ Sangstein, whom I met in my role as a singer on a cruise liner.'

'It was too tempting to be near so much wealth, so I jumped ship in Capetown with a pocketful of jewels.
‘Oh my God, my bible-reading gran said I would harness the wages of sin.’

Suddenly a voice boomed out of the heat haze, ‘Greetings my dear, you look done in.’
She looked up to see a tall, acerbic monk, who said, ‘Hello, I’m Brother Pronsias,
I’d have gone past if I hadn’t heard you singing my favourite hymn.’

But years later she reflected that she owed everything to the man of God who’d saved her life
and provided a safe refuge among the Undopa Mountains, where she’d kept the naive monks
enthralled with a tale of a hapless maiden who’d escaped from poverty in Liverpool.

Now a celebrity author, with titles as diverse as Sizzling Susan  (the reporter who took on The Mob),
she was invited to a charity event where the guests shouted ‘Sing that Irish song, I’ll Take You Home Again Kathleen!’
Singing with gusto, she was joined by Republican Senator ‘Hot Air’ Calhoun, who was running for president,
lauded as a great explorer, famous for flying his balloon.

But Kathleen had hardly reached home when a voice she thought had been silenced long ago boomed,
‘That song’s so corny, didn’t I teach you Molly Malone? Though it doesn’t have such a good chorus.
‘What’s the matter, don’t you want to know a lowly holy man now you’re famous?’

But in her desire to get away, she tripped over her dress and squirmed when asked, 
'What’s the answer, Mary? Or should I call you Dirty Dolores?’

Then back in her luxurious apartment, she sobbed, ‘I looked a right idiot falling on my arse.
‘I thought he was dead from the cholera, curse that bloody monk, Pronsias.'
But at that moment the man himself was knocking on her door demanding entrance.

As he sat in her room, Brother Pronsias, remembered the heart-rending tale heard he'd heard, 20 years ago,
and supected she'd told him just what he wanted to hear, being a niave young monk,
hampered by the innocence of youth.
He was now looking forward to hearing the truth.

PART TWO
Mary Speaks: ‘I ended up in Capetown after a misunderstanding with the cruise ship’s detective,
so to escape the cops teamed up with a travelling circus playing my ukulele,
but the owner said he needed something more exotic.

‘So I suggested emulating Funny Fanny Fortitude, the Vaginal Magician, a star turn in the
Spanish resort of Benidorm – where I was taken by a guy claiming to be a fashion
designer who’d promised me top billing in his next catalogue – it turned out he was married to a
clothes salesman from Bradford, whose wife caught us having a snog .

'Where was I? Oh yes, Fanny taught me the trick of pulling miscellaneous items out of my whatsit. 

'So I marketed myself as Dirty Dolores, which certainly attracted the curious.

‘The local ‘Christians’ objected, but fortunately my act had interested leading
artist Eustace Horbright who, when I was charged with indecency,
offered a substantial sum for my bail, then asked me to model sans-clothes.

‘I agreed, thinking it was better than being in jail.

‘I posed in his plush house for hours getting very stiff, but after a glance in the mirror revealed
that’s what he was becoming, I shinned out of a window to find my way blocked by a guard dog,
but confused him by diving into the swimming pool.

'Dolores paused to gauge the brother’s reaction to this, but Pronsias reflected that this young lady
had inherited the gift of the gab from her Irish grandmother Gypsy O’Toole, and commented ‘He sounds like a right villain.’

Dolores continued, ‘I emerged from the water, grabbed a vine and climbed over the wall,
but not before the canine had fastened its teeth on my arse.

‘Oh, excuse my language!’  ‘I served in the British Army,’ answered Brother Pronsias,
‘so I’m used to the fruity epithets of what one famous general called the licentious soldiery.’
‘Oh, you mean Lord Wellington?’
‘Indeed, what happened then?’
‘I panicked as I heard the cough of an angry lion, so jumped onto a branch.’
At which my sceptical listener asked, ‘Aren’t you gilding the lily?’
‘You may think so, but it was a feat I performed in Michael O’Malley’s
travelling circus as his famous Leaping Leprechaun.’

The monk snorted, ‘Sounds like a lot of old Blarney.’‘
Then I shinned up a huge tree, and to my surprise heard the words, ‘Hi, want a ride?'
’I  looked up to see a cigar-smoking man waving at me from a hot-air balloon,
who said, ‘Hang on, while I slow our ascent.

‘I can’t understand your accent, is that a rare form of Zulu?’ 
‘Then I was hit by a falling sandbag, and woke to find myself speeding through the air in a wicker basket,
desperately needing the loo.

‘Where do you do the necessary in a balloon?’ I enquired, ‘I need to powder my nose.’ 

He just laughed, ‘You have a lovely schnozle.’ 

'No, it’s an English expression meaning answering a call of nature.’ 
‘Ah, that explains your accent,’ he said, breathing whiskey fumes over me, while fondling a bottle. 
‘Let me introduce myself – Harry Calhoun.‘I’m carrying out a survey of native dialects.’ 
‘Fascinating, my accent’s called Scouse, from Liverpool,’ I replied.
‘I can give you great research material if you take me to a toilet.
‘By the way, are you sure you’re fit to pilot this?’

Brother Pronsias leaned back with a frown, commenting, ‘You seem to possess an ability to inveigle
your way into men’s affections so as to advance your cause.’
‘Eh?’ was Dolores’ comment.‘
To put into the vernacular, you’re a bit of a tart.’
At which she rose to slap him, but the brother put her firmly back in her seat with,
‘I won’t ask what happened next, for I can guess – Calhoun woke to discover the balloon had gone up,
in more ways than one, as you had nicked his flying machine.’

‘Oh, you know?’‘I remember reading about an explorer who’d reported his balloon as stolen.
‘Really? Well, I got my just desserts and Harry his flying vehicle,
as he employed a private detective to find me, but ‘Cal’ let me off when I threatened to accuse him of kidnap,
hinting that I had prior experience of blackmail. 

‘My desperate plight forced me into the hands of my old pal, deep sea diver ‘Shine with Brine’ Sangstein,
who employed me as a pretend mermaid at his Bizarre Creatures Of The World holiday camp,
until one day I found his hand inside my tail...

‘Hang on,’ she pleaded, ‘I’ve got cramp, I need a comfort break.’

In the bathroom she felt anything but comfortable, and wondered how to get rid of the elderly cleric,
who when she returned, asked ‘So what happened, did you escape on a passing yacht?’

‘How did you know, are you psychic?’
‘No, just very astute.'
‘Well, I did and was nursed by a handsome sailor who claimed he was a conservationist,
and being a nervous type I became quite sea sick.

‘So you appreciated the care he gave you?’ The cleric enquired, with a straight face.

‘Indeed, he had a great bedroom manner.’

‘Well, I know what happened next, for after he spurned your advances you jumped
ship with a valuable pearl he intended to give his wife, which he’d found on a coral reef.’

 ‘What!’

 Just then the door opened, which saved her blushes, and to her astonishment in
walked her celebrity singing partner, Senator Calhoun.

‘Remember me now? I rescued you from a nasty situation in my balloon.’
‘And if you try and besmirch my name, as I am now officially a born-again Christian – the voters love that –
I and my spiritual advisor,’ and he nodded at the old monk, ‘will reveal your shady past, you seductress and liar.'

 The old monk piped up, ‘Don’t forget to add thief!’

 ‘Indeed,’ he agreed, ‘and I dread to think what sinful activities you’ll indulge in next.’

‘My staff tell me you have arranged a publicity stunt with an upcoming British band from your home city, called The Insects.’

 At this Pronsias coughed politely, ‘It’s the Beatles.’

 ‘Of course... anyway, as I was saying, it won’t look good when you sing along to Love, Love Me Do,
when we all know that the only one you ever loved was yourself, Dolores, the mischievous madame from Liverpool.’

‘Oh dear,’ she thought, ‘why didn’t I settle for a dull life, with a husband who drank beer and watched football,
instead of dreaming of fame?
'Oh, I’m a right fool.’

Just then in walked the yachting conservationist, with his wife, who asked with a smile,
‘Hi there, ‘old girl’ can I have my pearl?’