A source of frustration, my school sex education

My elderly teacher although terribly kind

was not well prepared for a teenagers’ mind

‘After several dates, buy a packet of Mates

Machines in most gents. Three for 99 pence

Andrew, this condom, roll it down this banana

I can hear giggles from someone. Is that you Pollyanna?’

Andrew struggled at first to get the sheath on

‘Miss!’, Jason shouted, ‘Andrew’s ‘nana is two inches long!’

‘It’s the angle of the dangle’, Miss quickly replied

whilst pointing to an OHP of where to stick it inside

The default is hetero but what about gay?

I had a burning question for Miss but never dare say

‘Miss’, said Paul ‘I went in the gents but lack confidence,

got wobbly knees, in case someone sees’

‘Well,’ said Miss

‘If other eyes popping or nerve you are lacking,

when you do your weekly shopping, put a packet in your packing 

Yes, buying a pack of Durex could be awkward in front of your ex

If you really want to mask it, don’t just put in a basket

Put it in your trolley, amongst your carrots, peas and cauli’

It was then quite unexpected but for me not so weird

When Miss in her 60s said she liked men with a beard

Wish I could go back now and tell Miss so do I

Nothing quite as sexy as a beard on a guy

Before the bell rang, just before class was over

‘Miss’, I’d say,  I get my sex education from looking at Mr Grover

During his lessons, I’d always sit at the back  

My hands all over his beard and banana. I’ll leave it at that