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Beware, beware, there's a killer out there

Beware, beware, there's a killer dog out there

And his name is Rufus 

The public are advised to stay well clear

of a dog wanted in connection with a murder last year

His name is Rufus and has gone on the run

He’s aged seven in dog years and height 2 ft.1

He wears a brown coat with patches of grey

Have you seen Rufus? Call 999 right away

 

Alex loves Rufus, a Welsh springer spaniel

I’m frightened of dogs and in need of a manual

I’ve often drawn Rufus to understand better

but I don’t share the bond that those two have together

You might think I’m silly and I’m being pedantic

But sharing bed sheets with Rufus is far from romantic

 

Be jealousy free, come out of the fog

Don’t play second fiddle when it comes to a dog

You can joke with your partner, ‘It’s the doggy or me!’ 

But when they stumble to answer, it’s a marriage of three

 

What if I dressed up as Rufus complete with dog collar?

And speak doggy voice and star in a horror?

Everyone to the slaughter, beware of his paws

Deep in the water, Rufus is Jaws

 

Less Midsomer Murders, more Hitchcock thriller

Who controls who and who is the killer?

Is it all fiction this whodunnit of mine?

Or is there some truth in who does the crime?

He’s got murder in mind – just look at those eyes

They might be all sweetness, but they’re sugar and lies

Delicious, delicious doggy delicious

Sweet baby Rufus can sometimes be vicious

 

He’s one of the family, he’s man’s best friend

But in the dark of his kennel, he’s plotting your end

This might sound dramatic. Can this get any absurder?

But that bone that you give him is a weapon of murder

Not death by the ways you’ve read in crime fiction

But the kind the most gruesome, by doggy infliction

 

 

11:01 PM. On CCTV, a car was caught speeding

down the A23

A witness told police, although seen from afar,

they spotted a dog at the wheel of the car

 

11:56 PM. In a sleepy cul-de-sac
He parks outside 16 and sneaks round the back

 

12:04 AM. Barking and screaming

‘That’s Rufus with a gun!’ claims a neighbour 

‘But I could’ve been dreaming

Suddenly, in the dead of night

Screams of “Rufus have mercy!” gave me one hell of a fright

With my torch and my golf-club, I entered next door

shivering with terror from the full horror in store

Overcome by the sting of that sinking feeling

when you see someone's blood dripping down

from the up above ceiling

Upstairs, in the bathroom, stone cold in the shower

Lay a body in its final hour

Drowning in blood, in its own red liquor

Who could do such a thing, who could get any sicker?

It’s clear who’s the killer just look on the floor

Trace of brown dog hair and the print of a paw

A dog is not just for Christmas but for life is the measure

He’s getting life for sure, behind bars - at His Majesty’s Pleasure'

 

Phoning the old bill to share what she’d seen, middle-aged Cath from Camberwell Green

‘Hello yes, Constable, how do you do?  I have some vital information of much interest to you

Two weeks ago, a man in his forties

entered my fancy-dress shop

wearing black Puma trainers and blue hoodie top

Thinking back, it was strange now how in the shop with toy bone

He began pointing and shooting like Sylvester Stallone

He said ‘I’m looking for a dog-suit that will fully camouflage me’

‘Why certainly sir, what size?’ I replied. He answered ‘Oh size extra-large me’

I showed him the full range of our man size dog-suit selection

‘Only English springer spaniel’ he said in his quest for perfection

When I jokingly said that we’ll throw in that toy bone

His response both alarmed me in content and tone

‘A lead would be better’ he said ‘perfect to strangle a man

made of razor-sharp leather, do you think you can?’

I took his reply as the words of a joker

But I’ve just heard the news on the radio this morning, my stomach’s churning over and over

David Lynch would flinch at the full extent of my error, the terror all consumed me like an attack of the jitters

I might sound delirious, but could you really take seriously

a man dressed in a dog suit from Canine Costume Outfitters?

It’s surprising to hear that those involved are queer

I thought they all lived in the city and not around here

I guess for the gays it’s the same as us straights

When your dogs are your family, they’re more than playmates

I think for that Rufus he became saturated 

Too much love he was given. The bleeding obvious stated

It’s so sad in a way that it came to this end

‘You’ve got a friend in me’ goes the song but this dog was more than a friend’

 

R for revenge

U for unkind

F for fanatic

U underlined

S is the sentence Rufus has started

serving for murdering the dearly departed

 

Those capital letters together - what do you get?

R.U. F. U. S spells Rufus!

Are your palms starting to sweat?