Where do the prettiest parts of me now reside

when they have been left inside of you.

The days linger longingly

the nights sprawl like a setting sun.

Sleeping alone is like sleeping next to you.

Remember when I cried, and you saw it 

and you decided that you didn't.

I am not above admitting

that I cannot deny 

when I was with you 

I was miserable

yet I was so happy.

 

When I was with you I felt guilty 

it made me believe in myself 

made me feel worthy of my past.

I never really knew how to deny

I never really was above admitting 

that when I was with you 

I was miserable

yet so happy.

 

I was never capable of holding space 

for the nuanced embrace 

the tangible taste

of competing feelings.

 

Stuck in your skin 

always

I tried to suck the answers out of your marrow.

Worshipped heavenly

and without a doubt

you felt 

when i was with you i was miserable 

yet so happy.

 

Now I'm still miserable but with less company.

Was I ever more than a failed attempt 

at resolving your loneliness?

Was I your mother's survival strategies 

or your father's cruelty?

 

You called me on your lunch break to tell me that we were over. We weren't even in the same country

And you didn't even say that it was lovely 

You never even admitted that we were in love and there were times it was lovely. 

It was lovely

being miserable

with you.

Tried to paint it blue, 

sent you into a panic

you never asked for any of it. 

And I never thought about how much that made you miserable.

 

We live in different states

and still

I see you in the cereal section of the grocery store

you are still asking me to dance in the aisle 

you are still sitting at the cafe down the street

with the trees leaves light shining on you

you are still with me, 

in the corners of my eyes 

the front of my mind

and in our blue future.