In me and Alex’s bedroom, an emergency summit

for a group of bears to discuss an eventual whodunnit

In attendance are teddies, the soft-type cuddly toy

Many like Angus and Sooty, I’ve had since I was a boy

Chief Bear Ted begins, ‘We are here to discuss today

what must be done to keep Rufus away

He comes into our bedroom

We’re shoved in cupboard or drawer

to keep us out of his sight and out of his jaw

He’s coming to get you! We must act and act fast

He’s got to be stopped and stopped at long last

Look comrades, Scottish brother Mc Ed

Rufus ripped off his arm and left him for dead

The poor little bear is not himself former

His eyes can’t disguise the extent of his trauma

Give Rufus some cardboard, he’ll tear it to shreds

One day mark my words it’s one of us teds

Give Rufus some paper, he’ll rip it to pieces

That’s you next and your nephews and nieces’

 

Shortly after the crime, the bears reconvene

to debrief what has happened and what it may mean

‘Well done comrades!’, Chief Ted begins

‘Rufus is paying for all of his sins

Permanently staying behind cast-iron bars

Perfectly framed like Roger rabbit the bunny

Let’s crack open the honey and dance under the stars!

Good work Sooty bear for secretly cutting his hair

Then at the scene of the crime carefully placing it there

Getting a print of his paw onto the floor

All hail Sooty bear, you’ll go down in history

as the one who framed Rufus and created the mystery!

But what on earth dear Sooty, what the hell is the matter?

This is way out of character like some raging Mad Hatter

I know we can’t hear you, we’re not Harry Corbett

But what are you saying? We cannot ignore it

Sooty, please whisper into Angus’s ear

Angus, listen to Sooty, tell us what you can hear

 

ANGUS: ‘OK Chief Ted, I’ll imagine his sound

Like a ventriloquist dummy the other way round 

 

Here goes, Sooty says:

‘Sorry Chief Ted, there something you’ve missed

Framing Rufus for murder has one final twist

If this was EastEnders, it would get its own doof doof

The doggy equivalent would be its own woof-woof

So, I arrive at the house, something startles me there

At bathroom door, top of stair

Cannot believe it, see Rufus in double

My vision is perfect, never had trouble

Not seeing things, saw Rufus times two

Couldn’t tell them apart, neither could you

Deep in dog drama at bathroom door

Fighting and scrapping paw after paw

Minutes go by things getting heated

I must get in the bathroom, get job done and completed

Summoning my breath, I growl and growl

‘Oh no, we’ve got company!’, both Rufus dogs howl

‘Paws up,’ I demand ‘You’ve run out of luck’

Handcuff them then bundle them into boot of my truck

I put Rufus suit on, clench gun in my paw

Check time on my watch, gone midnight oh four

Go back in the bathroom, complete the deed

Slit the guy’s wrists, starting to bleed

Look out the window, what do I see?

Opposite neighbour staring at me

Obsessive voyeur in Hitchcock’s Rear Window

Watching the horror like spying flamingo

Still in dog suit, covering my track

Shout ‘Rufus have mercy!’, cover my back

Knee deep in red sea, room starting to flood

Imagine your swimming, paddling in blood

One hour later on M25

Park in a lay-by, check dogs still alive 

Open the boot, what do I find?

Both dogs have escaped. Go out my mind

Turn on the radio. One has been caught

On ferry to France from Dover seaport

 

Our own Who Framed Roger Rabbit didn’t go quite to plan

Yes, we framed Rufus, but we don’t know

Did we frame the doggy or dog-man?’