It’s Monday morning, and she’s got up.

When I asked her for breakfast

she told me to shut up.

When I asked her for my porridge

or at least for an orange

she told me to keep quiet

as of today, she was on a diet.

 

She has noticed cellulite

and decided to get rid of it.

In the daytime, it was a real crime,

she didn’t put anything inside me,

so, I thought to remind her about me.

 

I switched on the gurgling of my gastric juice

(after all, I had nothing to lose

at an average speed,

hoping she would hear me and would feed me.

But no! My anger began to grow.

 

I decided to strengthen the gurgling, the rumbling,

and…added a little bit of sound.

At last, she looked around

and found a cabbage leaf,

I quickly digested it and cried:

I want beef!

 

At night when she went to sleep

I had only one wish — to weep.

I saw sweet dreams when she lived with her parents,

I thought she had inherited their habits.

 

How happy I was!

We always had the 1st, the 2nd, and the 3rd course.

But hell! It was not for her so well!

She told them she had already grown

that’s why she could live on her own.

 

What else could I say?

The same story happened the next day.

I was very, very angry

because I was ravenous.

 

I’ve been shouting during the whole day:

Where is my salad?

Where is my soup?

Soon you won’t see me even through a loupe.

 

On Thursday in the daytime

she gave me some plums.

But what’s happened to me? Was I numb?

I was so weak, I felt so sick.

 

Without any questions, without any digestions

I’ve passed all the plums to the bowels

for them to know the particulars.

The next morning in the bathroom

I said goodbye to all those horrible fruits.

 

Do you know what‘s happened then?

She gave me some yogurt.

My God! — I thought,

now she has become better and better.

Maybe I’ll be a little bit fatter?

 

But…anyway…it’s early to shout “Hurray”.

On Saturday she went to the restaurant with her boyfriend.

I didn’t want to offend her, so I kept quiet,

I so much desired to eat

a good piece of meat, something sweet.

 

You know that I didn’t eat for the whole week.

“You look good, but you are skinny,

you have to take some food and it’s not a sin”-

the guy said with a grin.

 

I thought he was the greatest lad

and my dearest Laura was just mad.

It was late at night when she felt bad.

I was also feeling sad.

 

Martini, mushrooms, potato, beef…

all that nice food decided to leave.

Shut up, lever! She is clever!

Everything is under control,

she knows that I hate alcohol.

 

At night, with a little bit of fight,

I said goodbye to all the food she ate

without any regret.

Now I know: she doesn’t like to be fat.

 

In the morning she drank only mineral water,

her boyfriend has brought for her.

And I certainly kept quiet.

What more can I say?

We are on a diet.

 

©Larisa Rzhepishevska