My life force has gone

whatever confidence I had is crushed

I cannot hear my voice

I cannot hear any voice

except panic

and anger

 

I am lost in a street walking the wrong way

shoulders bumped and jarred

I move to the wall

I press hard against it

It pushes me into the flow

my fear turns to violence

 

There is no reason to lash out

no reason to hurt

my punches are turned the wrong way

I want to rip my heart

I want to cut my tongue

there is spittle on other faces

 

The faces are not mine

they look afraid they are screaming

and I am shouting at my fists

but my fists won't stop

I hear my heart

I bite my tongue

 

I am the enemy now

I am the fear in their faces

terrified I want to curl to nothing

but my body is in me

the anger is shouting

I cower within my violent self

 

I want a hand to reach out of the sky

to scoop me off these streets

I want to be in some kind of womb

to hear a heartbeat not my own

I want a Mothers love

I want my brothers to come for me

 

All that comes are those like me

with heavy blows and shackles

and bottles of endless thirst

I am drowning here in a shipless sea

the waves are as swirling memories strangling me

Let me sink or hoist me clear

 

More than all this I am afraid

that the person I was has gone

no one can know me now

I am too tired to speak of why

to try and explain how I came to this

I will shrink and slip between these lines

 

My weakness is foul

it reeks of want

a blade is a blade

as a gun is a gun

but the hand is weak

it shakes and it shakes it shakes so hard