When I close my eyes I see the sun rising over the ocean. I see a succession of cars. I hear you laugh. I see knives in the flesh. I see fireflies surrounding your body. I see endless trees and a forest I have never known. I see barbells and birds. Lots of birds. I see the moment you decided to give up, I see you vomiting in the toilet after taking the pills.  I see you telling me you thought the television was talking to you. I see you driving to that boys house just to smoke with him, just to have someone to hold you. I see you telling me you loved me. I see the moment you escaped the ward and I called your parents. I see the moment I found you after the attempt, you in the hospital bed. I see you tell me that they cracked one of your ribs trying to save you. I see you trying to tell me through my eyes that you wished they hadn’t saved you. I see you standing over your own dead body asking me why did I not do more. Then I open my eyes and I hear you laugh.