I took three tabs of acid and my friends watched in horror as I vomited on the carpet.

The trip lasted for fifteen hours and for twelve of those I thought I was going to die.

You told me strength comes from suffering, but I think you meant enduring, or

surrendering. When I stare at railway lines, I am hypnotised, they dance and their

fingertips grip, I am so good at making the city breath. Fight or flight never made sense

to me I’m always in the ring. I can’t remember the last time happy lasted, but I know

some rarely taste it. I’m grateful for the sea but I’m worried I’ll never know her fully, I

tried to two years ago. I reach for remnants of you in my gums but you’re no longer

there, I don’t know how to turn love into lasting, but I know how to turn it into

something it’s not meant to be. I can’t remember when it started but I’ll always

remember when it stops. When I was fifteen, I watched my best friend swallow a lady

bug, I prayed she grew wings, I remember how she forget how to laugh after she

walked in on her mother trying to kill herself. At night, she screams at the succulents. I

can’t remember when it started. But I think finally. Some of it has stopped.