ILLUSTRATION BY LEE CAMPBELL (2010) 

 

In  apple orchards, playing games, a rather fruitful tale

of teenage me and my friend James who thought he knew me well

Not just the cider talking or me being drunk on ale

Me sober seeing him naked set off my ding dong bell

 

At local pub one night got drunk, James only wearing socks

Him nude on that tree swing, me see the sexiest of jocks

My favourite apple can't you tell I knew right then was Cox

I'd pick his juicy Jonathans and put them in my box

 

James, you the apple of my eye, I wouldn’t mind to clench

your Juicy Lucy Pink Ladies, don’t throw in monkey wrench

I’d punch you if their Granny Smith, got such a  rotten stench

Get your Pink Ladies over here, your Bramleys off that bench!