I don’t want no Staycation

I’m not that kind of holiday guy

I’d rather not drive to some coastal location

When there’s budget ways to fly

 

I want to fall foul of Parking Patrol

Get mentally stressed and shout

I want to queue at Passport Control

Have breakfast with lager or stout

 

I want to remove my trainers and belt

Fill trays with keys and coins

Want to have my trackies felt

From knee to thigh to groin

 

I want to wander through Duty Free

In miasmic mists of Cologne

Grab a gallon of Gordons and Fever Tree

Play games of chance on my phone

 

I need a fag but there’s no smoking room

Where the air is thick, yellow and blue

Better get a move on, they’ll call us soon

The disabled loo will do

 

As the Departures Board says “Go to Gate”

There’s a wildebeest stampede

Let’s have one more, if we’re late we’re late

It’s necessity, not greed

 

And when we hear the Final Call

And gather up our kids and stuff

The travelator’s bound to stall

If they have to wait, well, tough

 

Did we keep you? Sorry lass

With a leery, knowing wink

What? You need me boarding pass

Just give us time to think

 

I turn out pockets, unzip bags

Under her steadfast stare

There’ll be no scratch cards or In-Flight mags

This year we’re going nowhere.